I’ll start off with something that just happened in my working life.
What They Say: To correct those html reports will require several days of preliminary analysis, including a rigorous optimization of the algorithms involved based on asymptotic parameters.
What They Mean: I can fix this by changing one line of code, but then I’d have to go back to documenting a legacy system that some one wrote in TCL.
How about this classic?
What They Say: It’s not you, it’s me.
What They Mean: It’s not me, it’s you.
What they say: Your service plan will cover any problem with your product.
What they mean: If you have any problem with your product we ship your unit to our repair center in West Bumberfock for six to eight weeks, where they will lose all your paperwork. Once they have done this, and you have called and complained that it has been eight weeks and you have not heard from us, and we have assured you that nothing is wrong and stalled for two weeks before calling and admitting that your item was lost, but rest assured, now it is found, one of two things will happen. They might fix the trivial problem that you could have fixed yourself if we could simply give you the parts instead of making you do without your appliance for two months, but that’s not the way the service plan works. Or they might be unable to fix the problem, and after the mandatory two month waiting period (during which time we are sorry, we will be unable to provide you with a loaner to take the place of the unit we have sent to Bumberfock as this is against Store Policy) we will cheerfully offer you store credit for the original purchase price, not the current replacement value, of your item.
What They say:
What They Mean:
Did you come?
Because I didn’t.
I have something to tell you.
Get tested.
I’m a Romantic.
I’m poor.
I’ll give you a call.
I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I never meant to hurt you.
I thought you weren’t a virgin.
Trust me.
Let’s just keep this between you and me, pumpkin.
I love you.
God, what have I gotten myself into?
I think we should just be friends.
You’re ugly.
Haven’t I seen you before?
Nice ass.
I want to make love.
I want to make love.
Was it good for you?
I’m insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk.
I’m pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hell are you?
I’ve been thinking a lot.
You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I’ve learned a lot from you.
Next
I want a commitment.’
I’m sick of masturbation.
I think we should see other people.
I have been seeing other people.
Let’s get married.
Does that mean we can do it now?
We don’t have to do anything until you are ready
Give out or get out.
I feel its time to express our love for each other
Give me head.
I still think about you.
I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong?
Is it supposed to be this soft?
You’re so mature.
I hope you’re eighteen.
Got this twice from my son’s mother. First one was a false alarm (as in, it wasn’t the subject). The second time…
When they say:
It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the matter.
They mean:
Of course it’s the damn money!
Honey, do you mind if…
I
WTF??? Oh well, finishing the deleted…
I don’t shiv a git, I’m going out anyway.
I had a couple more, but the board ate 'em, and it’s late.
What they say: This might sting a little…
What they really mean: This might feel like a red-hot poker getting shoved into your arm, then replaced with a gush of boiling iodine and vinegar. And then a burning chunk of lava will be held on exactly that spot until the smoke is thick enough to get lost in. :eek:
We feel that by realigning the engineering department and implementing the team concept, we will have the flexibility we need to utilize our assets as changing conditions dictate, while providing an environment for professional growth and development for all personnel.
Means:
We needed to justify promoting these guys, so meet your new bosses. No, they don’t really have their heads up their collective asses. Really!!
What they say (in a letter sent out a week after job applications were due): Thank you for applying for the position as assistant widget rotator at Big Corp Inc. The position has now been filled. Due to the overwhelming interest in this position we were unable to contact all qualified applicants individually.
What they mean: Hah hah! We knew we were going to hire the boss’ niece all along. We just needed to put an ad in the paper to make it look legit. Suckah!
This reminds me of an old, OLD Fred Dagg (aka John Clarke) skit about how real-estate agents manipulate the Qweens Inglish in their descriptions of ‘houses for sale’.
One of the accolades for the house on the market was:
Very Quaint, Would suit an artistic person
Which transcribed as: Nobody in their right mind would buy it.
(It’s not verbatim, and humble apologies to John/Fred/compatriate of Brian Dawe if you happen to be reading this oK?)