The active ingredient in hand lotion is asbestos. That’s why you should never get it near your eyes or mouth.
There was this one scientist on TV who confirmed that non-dairy creamer was highly addictive.
If you eat too much chocolate, your breasts get bigger. It’s true, I heard it on the news.
The new $50 bills have tracers in 'em so they can follow your location via satellite.
All U.S. presidents carry cyanide capsules at all times in case something bizarre like 9/11 happens again and it is best for the country that the Vice President take full control immediately. Reagan almost took his by mistake in his last term before the Secret Service realized what was happening and threw him to the ground and fished it out of his mouth.
Not knowing there was an open mic in the room, an unnamed member of the RNC admitted that they knew a Republican couldn’t win the election, so they manipulated McCain to get the nomination, rather than “waste” a younger candidate who could run in 2012. They even put the idea in McCain’s head to pick Palin as his VP, knowing she was politically expendable.
Card-playing is illegal in the White House. That’s because Kennedy, Lincoln, Garfield, and McKinley were all playing poker the night before their assassinations. Reagan lucked out; he had only been playing whist.
If you put a bomb in the mailbox, the Post Office is required to deliver it before they can attempt to disarm it.
Those commemorative state quarters aren’t legal coins because Congress never voted to authorize the Mint to change the design.
Because all the bees have died off, what’s being sold as “honey” is actually a mix of molasses and petroleum jelly.
If you microwave a box of baking soda on high for five minutes it will explode with the force of a hand grenade.
Penelope Cruz is Salma Hayak’s illegetimate daughter.
The center point of a traingle drawn between Stonehenge, the Great Pyramid and Macchu Pichu is the location of the lost continent of Atlantis.
Bush actually won the 2008 election, but the Anti-Christ is using the liberal media to keep us from the TRUTH.
Despite the fact that the UN was unable to subdue a shitty little country like Bosnia, they will have confiscated our guns by 2010.
If a teen-age girl drops an aspirin in a Coca-Cola and douches with it, she can’t get pregnant for a month.
The Masonic Jewels of Office of the Master of hte Lodge, the Senior Warden, Junior Warden and Tiler can be interlocked to reveal the true location of the Holy Grail. Former Freemasons who betray this secret are ki
No, they’are not! Nothing happened. Sunrazor is fine … I mean, I’m fine, really! never mind!
So mote it be!
Please forward this to everyone you know!!! Fabric softener drier sheets contain Bisphenol-A, the toxic chemical in plastics that is released when you microwave plastic containers. So every time you get that spring-fresh smell by tumbling your sheets and underwear in the drier with a fabric softener sheet, you’re depositing on them a dangerous neurotoxin that is absorbed directly through the skin! :eek:
The DNA of Manx cats is more similar to that of sheep than it is to that of other cats.
All of the people who decide the colours that will be used in upcoming fashions and products work for companies and studios that are ultimately controlled from one office in an unmarked high-security office building in Langley, Virginia.
Many nations are covertly run as corporations, with a secret board of directors and stockholders operating above the well-publicized legislative apparatus.
Cockroaches taste like cheese, but the texture differs.
The Chinese circumnavigated the world under the famous Cheng Ho in the early 1400s, and planted colonies up and down the coasts of the Americas. Some of these colonies survived until the age of European exploration, and the kings of Europe acknowledged the Chinese claims by secret treaty. As a result, the reason the Chinese are willing to fund the US trade deficit year after year is because the US actually does belong to them.
I love the classics:
There are only 13 major corporations that rule the entire world. These 13 corporations form…
…THE ILLUMINATI!!!
All the cinnamon ever produced in the would not even fill up a small swimming pool.
The first Sandwich ever created was marmalade and bovril on a bun, and was originally called a “Sand-wich”
People who routinely pee and poop at the same time nearly all develop colon cancer before the age of 50.
The energy output of the wireless gaming platforms have been rendering men sterile. This information has been released to Microsoft and Sony, but both paid off the AMA to make sure this information will not be released.
Actually, Microsoft and Sony both requested time to conduct an independent study of their own. The initial results by Microsoft show that use of a wireless Playstation controller causes sterility. Sony’s results are inconclusive at this time. Either way, the AMA will not release the report until 2010.
SSG Schwartz
If you have sex in front of a wood burning fireplace, the heat from the fire will kill the man’s sperm so that the woman can’t get pregnant. This doesn’t work with gas fireplaces though, as they have a different heat spectrum.
In Japan there is an urban legend that eating Kentucky Fried Chicken will make one’s breasts larger. A couple years ago I was watching a show where the members of the panel had each tested various urban legends and one girl chose the KFC one. Every day and for every meal she ate KFC for something like two weeks until she was totally sick of it and couldn’t possibly eat anymore. At the end of those two weeks, they measured her chest to see if it had grown. Sure enough it was a little bigger, but, as the host said ever so delicately, “No, they’re not really bigger. You’re just fat now.” 
A guy I once worked with pretty much believed this (he thought the government knew how much money you were carrying using airport metal detectors)
If you run out of Viagra, chewing a clove of raw garlic helps matters.
JFK was about to make an announcement confirming the existence of UFO’s( as an alien entity), later in the week he was assassinated.
There have been many secret cross Channel tunnels between Britain and France before the official one was built.
The first one was built in Napoleonic times and all are routinly used by N.A.T.O.
Benjamin Disraeli, ex British P.M, was a woman dressed up as a man.
The First World War was arranged as part of a business agreement between German,British and French arms manufacturers to boost a stagnant European economy.
The P.O.T.U.S. has a secret swearing in ceremony before the Queen before he takes up office otherwise he isn’t officially president.
This goes back to a secret treaty between the U.S. and the U.K agreed to at the termination of the American revolution.
The dome of St.Pauls cathedral houses a highly efficient Radar system to detect I.C.B.M. attacks.
Most coffee has been used as a decoy to smuggle cocaine to Europe and the U.S. and in such quantities that drinking a cup will give you a slight cocaine high.
The Australian government has been mating successful athletes and cloning the children of them and who are now being raised in a secret underground sporting academy.
Some British politicians are currently attempting to pass legislation to change from British driving on the left to driving on the right. It has been discovered that all the supporters of this move are sponsored by Fed Ex. This is because when Fed Ex trucks drive on the left, it looks like the hidden arrow is going backwards.
Miley Cyrus is voicing the title character in a Disney cartoon musical version of LOLITA. Clare Quilty will either be voiced by Steve Martin, John Lithgow, or Jon Lovitz. And doing the voice of Humbert Humbert… BILLY RAY CYRUS!:eek::eek::eek:
The pope has an illegitimate sister named Margrethe who lives in the basement of St. Peter’s. He visits her every week. She darns his socks.