I learned something new today - the latest in infidelity is called an emotional affair. I think they are becoming more common because of the ease of getting into one - there are people to chat with online 24-7. What starts out as just a bit of chatting with a kindred soul ends up in someone investing emotionally away from their relationship, causing stress and harm to that relationship.
I think we all have a pretty good idea about what is and isn’t acceptable in face-to-face relationships, but this online affair business is pretty new. Has anyone had any experience either being engaged in an emotional affair, or having a SO who had one? How much online engagement with the opposite sex (assuming straightness, or same sex if gay) is too much? Where and what are the lines that people involved in relationships shouldn’t cross, even online? Does anyone have ideas about guidelines to avoid falling into one?
This is the only thing I even feel qualified to offer an opinion on. I just use the “in-person” rule.
That is, would I behave this way if I was face-to-face with this person regularly? Like as a co-worker. Second, would I act like this if I was not only face-to-face with her, but if my wife was also present?
If not, then I don’t.
I’m not trying to be preachy or anything like that. Just answering the part of your question about my own personal guidelines.
I agree with Bricker and Pundit Lisa’s advice, but I’d stop short of calling these “affairs”. Becoming emotionally attached to someone other than your spouse is a bad idea, but it’s not really infidelity. “Affair” is a bit strong of a term.
IYO. I know plenty of people who would feel at least as much, if not more, betrayed by an emotional affair, and it certainly is infidelity as far as most marriage counselors are concerned.
Honestly, I think that attitude is crap. No offense. What about having a friend who you use as a sounding board, to bitch about problems with your spouse, etc? You certainly wouldn’t say the same things if your wife was there, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
I think that any relationship, physical or emotional, online or in person, same sex or opposite, that is detracting from your primary relationship (your spouse, SO, etc) should be questioned. However, it can be very beneficial for some people to have someone outside the relationship who they can talk to, vent to, basically use as a sounding board.
I disagree. I think most people would behave differently in many many situation with their spouse present vs. spouse not there. This doesn’t make the situtation immoral or cheating, or anything like that. I think the number of those situations vastly outnumbers those in which people would consider you to be having some sort of affair, emotional or otherwise.
Ditto. Since when does being really close to someone and understanding their emotional problems and having them understand yours become automatically negative? And there’s many things I don’t necessarily need to talk about in front of my SO. Maybe I just wanna vent about something in my background, and my SO couldn’t possibly get it. He’s sympathetic and kind, but he’s never been in that position. But hey, my friend’s been there…he understands it more. Maybe I’ve vented to him *tons *in the past and don’t feel like bothering him with it again (a common phenomena around here relating to my family).
If it was a same-sex relationship it’d be fine, because that’s what best friends are for, right? This smacks to me of the old-fashioned idea that girls and boys just can’t be friends.
Now, if you’re hurting your SO or your relationship is being damaged, then that’s different of course.
Linty Fresh, I must respectfully disagree; from this site:
I would suggest that if you have more emotional intimacy with someone than your spouse, you are engaging in secrecy and deception from your spouse, and there is sexual chemistry, you are involved in infidelity, i.e. an affair, with or without any physical component.
I think the slippery slope aspect of emotional affairs makes them so dangerous. Most of us can and do have relationships with the opposite sex outside of our relationship. The difficulty is knowing where to draw the boundaries for those friendships, especially online, where it so easy to say anything to anyone.
My yardstick is not necessarily whether I would do something in front of my spouse, but whether I would tell him about it. I wouldn’t necessarily talk about our relationship with a girlfriend in front of him, but I would tell him that I talked about us. I use the same rule for posting here; I try not to post things that I wouldn’t tell him about.
All good points, and vice versa; why shouldn’t your friend who is a man be able to vent to you, as well? But this is what creates the tricky aspect of emotional affairs; it would be easy to say men and women simply can’t be friends and leave it at that, but it’s not that simple. But where are those lines? How many times can you have deep, meaningful conversations, and how much can you tell your best friend who’s a man before your SO starts wondering why you aren’t talking to him about things that affect you so deeply?
people have such bad phone etiquette because it’s a relatively recent thing.
the ground rules are constantly being fought over for that, much like this. internet “cheating” (insert whatever phrase you want to use to describe it) is no different. it’s new and has to be poked at first before society deems it passable or not.
remember way back when the big crisis to couples via the internet was just porn?
what happened to the good old days?
I think the problem is that sometimes it’s hard to notice you are hurting your relationship until the damage has been done, and it can’t always be undone. Emotional distance grows between people one little step at a time, and after a point it’s irreversable. Nothing “masks” this like having outside relationships that are so emotionally fufilling that you don’t notice the deficit in your own relationship–and there doesn’t have to be any sexual element in the outside relationship for this to happen.
Arguably, one has an obligation to the relationship (not to the other person) to not risk letting this occur.
Hmm. I stand corrected, then. I’m a bit of an introvert, so Mrs. Fresh is my only really close friend, although I have some good friends and quite a few acquaintances. Thus, my perspective might be skewed. I could not imagine getting into one of these relationships online, and looking at some of the posts here, I now see that this is a good thing.
One thing that has been fairly constant in my researches on this is how subtle it is, and how people fall into this behaviour quite unaware of where it is leading. least original and manda JO both make excellent points about how new this all is, and how we aren’t particularly vigilant about our behaviours yet because it is so new.
I consider myself very careful about not crossing boundaries with my relationship, but I can see how chatting online could be very easy and entertaining, and gradually creep into interfering with my relationship.
I wouldn’t call it the ‘latest’ in infidelity, it is just coming more into the view of people today and can be more easily facilitated by the internet.
My father has had an emotional affair with a woman for as long as I can remember, and I have no doubt that that was one of the things that contributed to my parents divorce (among other things).
They aren’t just online things, though I can see them coming about easily that way. I know how often I chat online with people and develop crushes, I just have the luck to be single and the only person I might hurt is myself.
This whole thing begs the question of whether or not a man and a woman can ever really be “just friends.” There are plenty of things that I talk to girlfriends about that, if I were to tell male friends, might be seen as some kind of “flag,” whether in my mind, his mind, or Mr. Levins’ mind. Particularly when you involve the casual frequent contact of instant and text-messaging.
The general opinion among people I’ve talked about this with is that there is no such thing as a genuinely asexual friendship between a man and a woman. Even if both sides are happily involved elsewhere, there will always be an element, or even just an awareness, of the other person as someone of the opposite sex.
And even between friends of the same sex, or in relationships between people of any kind (friendship, family, etc.) it’s always easier to say something when you’re not looking them in the eye. Which is where chat and text conversations come into play.
So I can see how the idea of an “emotional affair” could come into being.