[sub](Inspired by the title, but not the content, of a certain Pit thread)[/sub]
Alright, a lot of people have raised the question, where are all the gay people in the Star Trek universe?
Some years ago, I stumbled onto the secret Starfleet didn’t want you to know – and I was ordered not to reveal it under penalty of receiving a lecture by a naked William Shatner on the more profound intellectual content in Tekwar. As my lawyer informs me that “cruel and unusual punishment” would violate the the Khitimer Accord, I feel relatively safe in revealing this ugly aspect of Starfleet history to all of you.
Back in the 23rd century, the Neo-Sexist movement (which forced women out of command positions and into miniskirts) hatched a vile plot to eliminate all the gays, lesbians, and bisexuals who had been fully accepted by society. Neo-Sexist genetic engineer Lance Heston concocted an engineered virus that sought out and destroyed the gay gene. Within a generation, Earth had lost not only its gay population, but its ability to colour-coordinate as well.
This happened with the full complicity of Starfleet Command, and many top admirals (including Admiral Helms, who instituted the Secondary Directive, that Starfleet Captains must bed one alien woman per week and has since come to be known as “The Kirk Rule”), though the plot was kept secret from the public at large.
Soon, the virus spread to many Federation worlds. No one shed a tear when Vulcan’s Platonix Club closed (although patrons mostly went to the club to discuss “the joys of not giving into their emotions” over fruit punch), though the small but devoted clientele of Scrawg’s Discipline Pit and Bloodpie Emporium on Qo’noS, the klingon homeworld, were very upset. When the enormous all-male and all-female colonies on Risa vanished, several as-yet-unaffected worlds lodged a formal human rights complaint, and demanded an investigation.
Starfleet Command occasionally discusses the ethical implications of trying to cure the anti-gay-gene virus, which is now present in every species Starfleet has ever come in contact with. Only the Borg remain unaffected, due to their nanoprobe technologies, though Borg Clubs (even the famous Delta-Quadrant 42, subsector-212, Junction-6) are notoriously dull, and everyone is dressed in Tommy Hilfiger.
The Star Wars universe does not have this problem, although many would be surprised to learn that Naboo has strict sodomy laws, and gay men caught there are shipped off to labour camps on Versace VII to design and produce outfits for that planet’s queen on a round-the-clock basis.
