Letter to America

Dear America,

I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been avoiding you lately. The thing is, I ran into a country I used to know when I was younger, and lately we’ve been getting reacquainted. This is so awkward because I know you two are close. I’m just going to come right out and say it: it’s Canada. A couple of months ago, I moved in. We’re an item now, and I think it’s permanent.

I know you’re going to say it’s just infatuation, remember the good times we had together. And they were good: you gave me my first job, my education, and my cats; I’ve known you since I was born. You and my family go back almost four centuries. But it’s too late: you took me for granted for too long. I deserve a country that wants me, too.

I know, I know, you’ve really been trying to get over your homophobia. I’ve noticed your experiments with gay marriage, but I think your “Defense of Marriage Act” and your “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” show your true feelings. And you obviously never liked my partner, keeping him at arm’s length with your arduous visa process. Canada gave him a generous entry visa right away. Even better, only five months after we asked, today Canada offered him permanent residence! I’d like to see you offer someone a green card in just five months.

That’s not the only issue, of course. I like that Canada is proud of being bilingual and multicultural, not like you with your English-only initiatives and your half-hearted acknowledgement of Spanish. I like the sensible universal health care, and the fact that Canada’s people are free to travel to Cuba. What is *up *with you and Cuba, anyway? Get over it already.

I’m sorry this letter is so long. I just wanted to say that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and of course I’ll still visit, but I’m afraid our old relationship is over for good. I hope you can be happy for me.

Yours in exile,

Dr. Drake

Welcome to you and yours.

If it weren’t for the Winters I’d be right there with you. Don’t think I could hack it though . . .

I’m very happy to hear that you’ve found a place where you feel welcome. And on behalf of all of us down here, I’d like to apologize for the craziness. I really hope that in my lifetime we’ll straighten this out once and for all.

:: sad for death of old relationship, but happy for new ::

I’m sorry to hear of your breakup. It’s tough, but you’ll survive, and thrive. A new world awaits, one of online debit cards and bilingual packaging and unlocked iPhones and Mostly Metric and vast landscapes and clean northern air. Welcome!

Welcome to you and your partner!

Skiing and saunas make it all well worthwhile. With alpine skiing, you don’t notice the cold due to the adrenaline. With cross country skiing you are sweating. With saunas you eagerly run out into the snow to cool down. It’s all good.

Wait so your partner wasn’t an American, but you were, and since he couldn’t get a visa for here you both shuffled off to Canada so you could be together?

That is so sweet :slight_smile: :slight_smile: Congrats!

Yep, that’s the story. I’ve [del]whined[/del] posted about it here before, but it’s just starting to sink in that this is permanent, and that we like it! (We did choose a less winter-intense part of Canada. I don’t mind snow, but there are limits.)

PS: Thanks for the good wishes, everyone!

Welcome to Canada. Welcome to Civilization.

Sounds kinda like the seventies.

You moved to Canada to avoid the daft.


:::More applause!!:::


Sorry you left, but I understand. Some of the populace here are a little loony. And some know all too well how to suck the fun out of disfunctional. No hard feelings, and hope it works out well for you. Feel free to stop back and say hi now and then, though, or at least send us a letter with news and such.


Your Uncle Sam

Welcome to Canuckistan. To which part of the country have you moved?

Wow. I read this like 5 times and read “draft” every single time. For the life of me I couldn’t figure what you meant. :smack:

Now, Dr. Drake you need lessons, eh. Hold your head like this and say “abouwoot.”

Dear Canada,

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to tell me I do not pay enough attention to you. Oddly, I have a pile of letters from other countries complaining I am paying too much attention to them. I suppose this shows that if I conducted my affairs based on trying to please everybody, I would please nobody at all.

Further, I value your opinion on my ‘homophobia.’ and my alleged inability to speak more than one language. I also very much appreciate your feelings on how I ought to conduct myself in my own home. It is not clear to me why you would say such things in public. I do regret you have decided to air our dirty linen in the open. I have refrained from commenting upon your internal arrangements.

Perhaps you have written in haste, or perhaps while not completely sober. In any case, I do wish the best with your dealings with all the other nations in the world. I hope they might be spared your holier-than-thou attitude. It can be wearing.

please do keep in touch,


Um, I think you misread something. The OP was from Dr. Drake to the US. Canada is busy looking off in the other direction and refraining from comment.

Enjoy your universal healthcare, tolerance, growing economy, low gini coefficient and social justice. We will be down here purging gays and mexicans while thinking Sarah Palin is competent to run the government if you ever change your mind.

I thought Canada was kicking back in its easy chair, a cold beer in one hand, and watching last season’s hockey highlights. It’s too distracted to comment.

Glad you’re here, Dr. Drake. Welcome!


Okay, I wasn’t going to be the first one to bring this up, but it’s too late for that now. We do not say ‘aboot’, unless we’re referring to footwear. See this thread.

And since I was just at Canadian Tire, allow me to present you the princely sum of 5c in Canadian Tire money. :slight_smile:

I thought they were Scottish bank notes.