Soupo’s teacher sent some homework home already. But not for the actual student in her class. Oh no, no, no. She sent home a project for me. This is what she was asking for:
I (that “I” would be Soupo’s teacher) would greatly appreciate it if you (that “you” would be me)would take the time to write us (like she’s the freaking queen or something) a letter about your child. What is your child like? What are the things you, as a parent, know that would be important for me to know? What are your child’s interests, strengths, weaknesses? Do you have any particular goals you would like to see your child achieve this year? I want to know how your child thinks and plays and how you see your child as a learner and person.
You still with me? Still there? I almost didn’t make it myself. And it’s for my kid.
Okey-dokey, let’s see what we (this would be me now) can do on the letter front. I came up with this:
My Esteemed Mrs. Soupo’s Teacher, (I don’t know the lady well enough to tell if she’s “dear” to me or not. I’m guessing “not”.)
Shall we discuss Soupo? Yes, we shall. He’s a nice kid, I guess. He doesn’t generally smell too much, and he is rather polite. He gets on well with other children and he hardly ever steals cars, or knocks over liquor stores. He should be an asset to your classroom. As long as no one mentions “Stubenville”. The Stubenville Incident still haunts his dreams. So if he falls asleep in class, it’s not that you’re very boring, it’s just been another night of “Stubenville Dreams”.
Soupo is a fairly good student. He’s still very enthusiastic student and he genuinely enjoys learning. He does well with the organized schedule. He’s really the creature of habit.
His strengths are many. He is a serious, focused student. And he’s very concerned with others. He’s very caring. But not in a girly way. Nope, not girly, our Soupo.
I feel his weaknesses are mostly upper body. Have you seen his arms? Spaghetti! Those bird legs are nothing to crow about either. (Get it? “Bird legs”, “crow”? I crack me up!) He can also be whiny baby if he doesn’t get his way. So always give in to any of his demands. It’s just for the best.
Let’s see, anything else? I think you should institute Pie Day for all the good kids in your class. Every week you should give them pie. Apple pie for preference, but even a nice Boston Creme would do in a pinch. But no lemon meringue. It’s hard to make a good meringue, and those kids are just not worth the effort what with their undeveloped palates.
Academically Soupo is pretty much on track. I’d like it if he were a super-genius, but frankly I don’t see that happening, which is really sad since I also don’t think he should rely on a sports scholarship, if you know what I mean. Do they give scholarships for stage crew in the Drama Department at most colleges? He could probably excel at that. Or not. You never can tell with the boy.
Have a good year with these heathens. Although since you’re pounding out another kid of your own (Mrs. Soupo’s Teacher is due around January. So when the kids come back from Christmas break they get a new teacher. Like getting the new “Darrin” on Bewitched), you don’t even have to put up with them for the whole year. Go you!
Yer pal,
-Rue. (Soupo’s real Dad)
The Little Woman felt it needed a re-write.
I don’t know why.
-Rue.
I already 
I felt bad about that. But it was tasty and not too salmon-like so it wasn’t TOO bad.