Levitation classes

I have decided that I am going to start my own “Levitation Classes.” I will teach people to levitate. It will be called “Getting Off the Ground with Fontor.”

“Yes,” I will say, “you too can float off the ground like a soap bubble. You are only hampered by the limitations of your own mind.”

I will get people to come to my classes to learn to float off the ground, and I will say things like, “Think light!” and “Relax and imagine yourself floating.” I also expect to tell them to believe in themselves.

At the end of classes, I will say things like “I think we made some good progress today.”

And if someone asks, “Did I do it? Did I float?” I will say, “You did… if you believe you did.”

If people come up to me and ask me to prove that my techniques work, I will show them… testimonials! Written by the class members who thought they floated. I will also have some people who will write “Well, I don’t think I floated, but he did teach me a lot of good things about believing in myself. That can’t be bad.”

If the people don’t accept the testimonials as evidence, then I will say, “I don’t need to prove anything. The scientific method is a Western construct. In order to float, you need to stop using your analytical mind and start using your floating mind. Besides, believing is an essential component of floating.”

I expect to make a pile of money.

I invite enrollments as well as suggestions to help me refine my technique.

The TM people are ahead of you, so you’ll need a catchy but meaningless slogan, and probably several of them. Here’s one:

-Hope floats, and three-quarters of “hope” is “hop.”

I’ll join. I’ve always wanted to levitate!

How much is it again…?

That’s a good question. I wish I had a good business model.

Although one thing I should do is not wait until they learn to levitate before charging the money.

My wife teaches yoga. She charges about $15 for a 1.5 hour class, less for a block of ten. Levitation and yoga should be about the same price, don’t you think?

See, this kind of thinking is never going to make you wealthy! There are lots of schmoes out there teaching yoga (not implying in any way that your wife is a “schmoe” mind you), but you will be the only one teaching levitation! Supply and demand, man, supply and demand! I think Levitation (it sounds more expensive if you capitalize it) is worth at least twice as much as yoga! Plus: lots of folks can do at least some yoga, but how many folks can Levitate? Huh? Not so many. Definitely worth at least twice as much!

Damned right! I mean, what if your wife never charged anyone for yoga lessons until they could assume full lotus position?

I won’t sign up for classes, but I’ll be happy to write you a testimonial (hell, your OP alone has allowed me to Levitate); for an endorsement fee, of course. :wink:

You’re on!

Oh, and I have decided to give it a trademarkable name so it can mean anything I want it to mean. How about ‘Levifying’?

Cause I can’t really make people levitate, y’know, but I can make them Levify™.

Hmm. Levify™ isn’t quite right either.

Oh, and my wife tells me she’s not a schmoe. So that clears that one up.

I keep trying to come up with a good name for you, Fontor, but the thing that keeps coming to mind is “Levilify.” Definitely not the name your looking for, unless you come up with a specialized group of students who want to levitate while being verbally humiliated. Hmmm. Might have some potential as a spin-off!

BTW, glad to hear about your wife.


That’s you’re!!!

Oooh, oooh, I got one! How 'bout Levitification? Then maybe you can figure out a special angle for marketing it to Biblical scholars, too!

But you can’t use the name without paying me yet another fee!

Sounds great! How’s this for a pay rate: I’ll pay you in inverse proportion to my weight. So, the lighter you make me, the more I’ll pay you.

I, for one, welcome our Levifying Overlord.

Will you do an infomercial?

Business model, shmusiness model. What you, sir, need to do, is start a cult. Have people who join sign over all wordly possessions to you. Brainwash the ones that refuse.

This already exists: it’s called Weight Watchers. :smiley:

How about “fontofly”?

You should try to get a patent.
And form the US Levitation Society, complete with web page.

This would prove you have the power. :rolleyes:

Sceptics should be told “Levitation is a mental power. Disbelief interferes with it. So disbelievers can never witness levitation.”

See also ‘dowsing’ for how to get people to believe without evidence.

You’re aiming way too low. I foresee:


Get that mission statement off the ground! Boost your team! Inject belief into your core company principles.

Discover who will float to the top of your organisation, and who will sink to the bottom.

Price $50,000 per participant. Discount offered for parties of more than 10 persons.

I believe I have discovered the secret of anti-fall :

As a child, I would challenge myself as to how far I could jump. Once I jumped almost six feet…but had to pull my legs back up to my body as I was about to land on a Coke bottle and possibly rip half my face off. This scored me and extra foot of hang time.

I theorize if I jump and keep my legs up, I can maintain hangtime indefinately.

How much did you say you had, again?

WHAT A CO-INCIDENCE! :wink: :smiley:

BTW- fontor, you should include some class time floating in the local YMCA swimming pool.

This will acclimitse them to floating, & keep them suburban porkers clean, at the same time.

And you know the old saying:

:smiley: :cool: