“Remember, people-- the opposite of gravity is levity, so if you’re having difficulty getting your tuchus off the floor, it’s because you’re taking this too seriously.”
Hey, I’d be willing to join in. Sounds less hazardous than the firewalking class.
Maybe you could call it airwalking.
I’ve settled on the name “Lev™”. Simple, and yet undefinable.
Here’s the way the scheme is working out so far.
At first, a typical Lev™ class will involve
Payment up front.
10 minutes: quick pep talk and philosophy: “Getting in Touch with Your Inner Dirigible.”
15 minutes: weightlessness visualisation
30 minutes: There’s this thing I remember from drama class: get everyone to lie on the floor and not move while you slowly talk them through feeling lighter and floating. It’s sort of like a meditation – anyone done it? I think lying on the floor for so long wears out the nerves for the parts of your body that actually are touching the floor, and it gives the illusion of floating. It could be a good initial device, and it kills a lot of time.
5 minutes: Debriefing: “Believing is crucial to the floating process.”
That’s just the start. As people advance (get closer to ‘State-L™’), they can participate in the following:
[ul]
[li]Special lite meals[/li][li]Special lifting supplements, called ‘Leviagra’[/li][li]My collection of tapes, including my groundbreaking lectures[/li]‘Straight for the Ceiling: 100 True Anecdotes from Genuine Floaters’
‘Getting it Up: Sexual Benefits of Lev™’
‘Avoiding the Negative Influence of “Sinkers”’
‘I Can Tell You’re Going to Make it on Your Very Next Lesson’
‘Fear of Falling: Why We Choose to Flop’
‘Floating is Not Really the Important Thing; It’s a Metaphor for Life’
‘Scientific, Schmientific: Critical Thinking is All a Load of Crap’
‘I’m Serious: I Think I Saw You Catch Some Air That Time’
[li]Therapy sessions to counteract the Inevitable Heaviness of Being. Many of us harbour remnants of childhood weight.[/li][/ul]
And as Levifying Overlord (props to Shirley), I’m offering you all a chance to get on the ground floor (sorry, top floor) of Lev™. Sign up others and rise to higher levels, if you will.
Can anyone do business cards?
Actually, Lev™ is perfect for those who are involved in firewalking. You’d want to have as much lift as you could manage.
Hey, Yllaria, I’ve just noticed that your name backwards is “Air Ally.” I think you might be a natural.
I would anticipate shortcomings with so much brand concept tied to a single consumer interest. Properly positioned the "Well, I don’t think I floated, but he did teach me a lot of good things…” end of your business could provide more than half your total revenue and potentially become your most dependable repeat customers. Integrate some form of “levitation is only an external manifestation of an internal awareness” pitch so you can market the concept to an ever so very slightly less gullible demographic. After all, selling awareness is not only less tangible but due to the inherent difficulties in definition it is perhaps less legally actionable. At this point you would be selling enlightenment with levitation acting as nothing more than a method to divert external attention inward. Perhaps a catchy, hip trade name like enLITEnment or the more net friendly nLite.
Here’s an idea. Get someone to lie on a large scale for this exercise. As they visualize, they get lighter and lighter, the scale shows their weight decreasing, and as they reach zero, remove the scale, and voilà! There you are!
This is a very good long-range plan. Eventually, once Lev™ gains momentum, people would probably forget about the original idea and focus on the vague principles, sort of like what happened with Osho.
Hey, a marketing counterpoint to Hubbard’s E-meter, we could call it a G-meter.
Hmm… very theatrical. But it resembles external verification, which is antithetical to the principles of Lev™.
You see, whereas most people think of weight removal as the gross subtraction of “numbers” from an unreal concept we call “weight,” Lev™ encourages weight"less"ness by methods imperceptible to the common “senses.” By so doing, Lev™ encourages the development of “finer” senses to “perceive” the “weightlessness.”
Except the weight removal from one’s “wallet,” which Levites™ are trained not to notice. Appreciation of paradox is an essential doctrine of Lev™.
Oh, and I have just learned that the term “Levite” is taken. Perhaps “Levist.”
Did Hubbard have to deal with this?
Here’s a prototype for the business card.
So, when will the IPO be available? Surely, this is the investment opportunity of a lifetime!
Sounds like this seminar will be quite an uplifting experience… 
“I’m Fontor - Fly Me!”
“Float With Fontor!”
“FontorFloat”
Actually I want to float too - it would save time waiting for the lift/elevator. Where do I sign up?
Hmm, lots of £££ though.
Back to being a “foot on the ground person”.
First we have to get Madonna, Cher and Britney Spears to attend one of the classes to give it some good PR.
Then you have to have a secret symbol…maybe a little red balloon to wrap around your wrist and pull and snap whenever you want a rise out of yourself.
You need to get certain levels of height for each price:
Blimp - Beginners
Yeast - Mid-Level
Flart - Advanced
Soar-cerer is able to teach the course and get a franchise.
Write a book about it, “UpYores” and go on Oprah and the other talk shows.
I am looking forward to taking your class and you will find my check stapled to the ceiling as you soar up there to retrieve it.
And as far stock in this company, well- sky’s the limit. Put me down, or should I say up, for 100 shares.
I was wondering who would be a fitting celebrity uptaker. We’ll stay away from Travolta et al for now. I was thinking of Jessica Simpson – the carefully cultivated ‘airhead’ image works well within the framework of Lev™, but conceals a canny business mind. Anyone else?
No problem. Watch for our symbol (LEV, of course) on a stock exchange near you.
Some are concerned about the expense involved in Lev™ Training. Think of it as an opportunity to shed some £££, and a way to get Lite™.
The symbol, fittingly enough, is an invisible strip of air around the left wrist. A casual glance at people around you will reveal that we already have thousands of adherants.
If you see another Levist on the street or on one of those unnecessary ‘airplane’ contraptions, be sure to give them the Lev™ greeting: “What’s up?” Part salutation, part koan.
The race goes to the swift my friend. I have the rare how-to guide Invisibility and Levitation that I got for Christmas two years ago. Yes, I really have it right in front of me and I have it mastered. I will be offering levitation classes with a coupon for a free introduction to invisibility. Retaining your clients is the key to any good business.
I like the sound of levinglingous myself .
No need for a large one. A small-scale lie works well, too.
Invisibility?
Now you’re just being ridiculous. Everyone knows that’s impossible.
Sheesh. :rolleyes:
Anyway, levitation is effectively the same as invisibility, since no one’s looking for you up there, and they wouldn’t believe it if they saw you.