I love Lewis Black’s comedy bit about when he was walking along and overheard a young woman say to someone, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.” He never knew what she meant by that because she walked away and out of his sight.
Let’s build this thread by offering our own theories as to what she meant by that. I’ll go first.
“I was riding my horse through a trail in the park. All of a sudden we heard this loud screeching sound of tires. Now, most horses get spooked by loud sounds. But not my horse. No, siree. I looked over and saw a car. The motorist had apparently lost control of the vehicle because the car was headed toward a small boy playing in the park. Thinking quickly, I rode my horse at a full gallop and scooped up the boy just seconds before the car plowed into the space where he had been standing. Well, the boy’s parents were so grateful to me for having saved their son’s life that they gave me a monetary reward. It was enough to pay for one of my years in college.”
Oh, if the woman who uttered those words overheard by Lewis Black is out there and is reading this, feel free to introduce yourself and explain to us what you meant by that.
I wanted to apply for college, but alas and alack, I was dirt poor, but not so poor as to qualify for aid. O what, O what shall I do?
I thought about selling my body for cold, hard cash, but when I went to the interview at the house of ill repute, the manager took one look at the stallion on which I rode and offered me cash to use the horse instead.
“But what about me?” I asked. “Isn’t this body worth something?”
He nodded and gave me bus fare. “But don’t despair,” he added. “I’ll give you a percentage of whatever this horse makes me.”
The horse went on to be a big star in Internet porn. I got a lot of the proceeds. And went to college.
I tried telling this joke to my mom, who grew up on a ranch. Big mistake. “She probably got a 4-H scholarship,” mom explained, “Happens all the time.” Gee, thanks, mom.
The woman who uttered those words overheard by Lewis Black was none other than Arwen, daughter of Lord Elrond!
“Good grades aren’t enough to get you into the college of your choice. They also take into account your volunteer work and how you help the community. Well, you can imagine how great it looked on my college application when they read how I helped save the life of the Ring Bearer by getting him to my daddy Lord Elrond in time or he would have turned into one of those Ringwraiths. My horse was fast enough to help us elude our enemies. So, if it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”
My grandmother went to teacher’s college by riding a horse seven miles from her small town to the nearest train station, taking the train to college, and then doing it in reverse to get home.
I met Lewis Black once…well, “met” might be too strong a word. I walked past him out back of the auditorium where he was about to perform his comedy routine, he was smoking a cigarette and saying hi to the people walking by on their way to the entrance. I had meant to ask him what that woman had meant if I ever had the chance, and I just totally blanked on it. It’s been my suspicion that he must have found out what it meant, I mean nobody could let that curiousity go unfounded, and it’s not like the IHOP has such quick service that he’d really have missed his chance like that. I suspect that the answer isn’t really that funny, so he left it out of the show.
A) I have had several converstations with Lewis Black because we have mutual friends.
B) However, I see no reason to point out to him that I sold one of my horses, bought for a few hundred dollars babysitting money as a pre-teen, for several thousand a few years later, and that another of my horses was a very successful broodmare. I’m sure other people have told him similar tales, or stories or making college money with barrel racing or grand prix.
