I struggled a lot with it. At this point, I would say I’m probably asexual/demisexual, with what interest I do have directed at other women. For the sake of simplicity, though, if I’m not talking about it in depth, I just say I’m gay or queer.
That made it hard, though, because I didn’t have frequent strong, obvious sexual attraction to women. I knew I wasn’t interested in boys, but had a hard time telling how much of that was normal. Was I a late bloomer? I dated a few boys, but it was always awkward and forced. Was that because it awkward and forced for everyone at that age or was it just me? Did I find women more interesting because women are objectively more interesting or did other people not find that to be the case? Women tend to be pretty open about things like “girl crushes” or talking about how beautiful other girls are, so was my interest just that or something worth putting a label on?
And to complicate things and overshare a bit, I’ve always struggled to fit in and hated myself for it and this was just like… really? REALLY? Another way that I was going to be different? I couldn’t even be “normal” when I was grown up? It just seemed unfair and I was kind of angry about it. I just wanted a plain-vanilla under-the-radar mom/dad/kids family. I didn’t want to have another way of alienating and disappointing my family, another thing that would cause people to single me out, and yet another way I couldn’t relate to everyone else.
It wasn’t until I had a girlfriend- a complicated, screwed-up, beautiful, unhealthy relationship that was definitely a bad idea but also showed me that I was capable of falling in love- that I sort of came out to myself and to my friends.
And now, I’m old enough to be sure that it’s not just a late bloomer thing. I’ve dated a few women and liked them, but I’m just not very driven by sex or romance in the same way most people are. I don’t generally find it very interesting or relatable in music or movies. I’m generally okay with the idea of never getting married or having a serious long-term relationship, although it does sometimes make me feel like I’m missing out. And I still don’t really fit in anywhere for a lot of reasons and sexuality is still one of them.
Also. I want to point out that I’m aware of some of the internalized homophobia in all this- thinking of things as “normal” or “abnormal” and so on. I don’t really think of other people in those terms. This was just about my own sense of belonging and who I thought I would be.