I find it hard to believe that my daughter can grasp such subtle distinctions yet, but I’ll try it.
In my case it’s linked to certain smells and liver making me throw up (I once encountered some cauliflower which didn’t smell and had no problem eating it); for Middlebro, the foods he loathed as a child are all foods he’s allergic to (sadly, he’s also allergic to some he likes). So it’s not the only cause - but damnit, when the kid’s generally a good eater and there’s a few things he will not eat, will it be the end of the world to avoid that handful of things?
The one time someone tried “you’re not eating until you eat that”, it was after Doctor I. had already said I didn’t have to eat liver, cauliflower, swiss chard or boiled artichokes (I like them fried, hate them boiled). The menu? Boiled artichokes and liver. I didn’t eat for 48 hours and could have gone on for at least another day…
A vote for this approach.
Also, instead of asking “would you like to do x”, or “do you want y”, say “Let’s do x”, or “let’s have y”. It’s more of a statement and not a question that can easily be responded to with “NO!”
Works pretty well on crabby older kids and adults too.
“Which do you want, the pink shirt or the owl shirt?”
“No”
“The owl shirt then. Let’s get dressed.”
“(twenty-minute tantrum)”
I introduced the choice of shirt hoping that it would mitigate her tantrums over getting dressed. Since that is obviously not working, the choice will now be gone.
Throw in obesity, eating disorders, and other food-related problems while you’re at it. (There are other factors, of course, but this is often how they begin.)
Kids and adults of all ages use food as a means of exercising control over other people and over their environment. The big pain in the ass who vetoes every restaurant suggestion at lunchtime? They’re trying to control the group’s behavior, and that’s all they’re doing.
Kids in particular often have no other way of exercising control in their lives, so they make unreasonable demands of their caregivers to see if the parent will comply. If the parent complies with that demand, the kid will push a little further and a little further and a little further until the limit has been reached. If the parent pushes back by forcing the child to eat the ungodly concoction, the child doesn’t see it as a consequence of his unreasonable requests, he sees it as such a total loss of control that he’ll find some other way to exercise it, and that may well take the form of a serious aversion, binge eating, or anorexia/bulimia when the child is older. It’s far better to set the limits lower so it doesn’t get that far in the first place. The sprog knows that I will prepare food he likes, and I won’t force him to eat something I know he doesn’t, but a) he has to try new foods, and b) if he wants to try some ungodly concoction, he has to do it himself so it’s on him. No fighting and lots of control for him over his choices.
I know that won’t work for younger kids, but setting lower limits (e.g., you prepare food how you prepare it, and that’s that.) is typically pretty helpful.
I’m pretty sure that this is the reason that, to this day, I can’t eat brown rice, oysters, American cheese, any kind of hamburger with cheese on it, fried eggs, wheat bread, or drink plain milk. All my earliest memories of those foods are of saying I didn’t like them, and my parents yelling and screaming at me to eat it if I didn’t want to be punished.
Just wanted to add another data point to MsWhatsits claim. I cannot stomach meat, lima beans, or peas. The smell of liver enrages my sister. We were forced to sit at the table for hours, crying and gagging. My otherwise lenient and fair parents turned into tyrants at dinner. Was this behavior taught to them? Normal for products of the 50’s?
I took my four month old who is just trying a bit of cereal with breastmilk for a visit with my mother, and sat in the car filled with dread that mom would attempt to force the tiny thing to accept a spoonful of oatmeal. I’m over 40. Those memories and bad associations should be long gone.
I just go straight to the beatings.
Actually, the roping down part works like a charm. Well, as long as you know your knots, that’s the last time I mix up a square knot and a granny knot.
Once you find something that works with your kid, stick with it. It doesn’t matter what the books say should work.
When I give my three year old a choice between two shirts I get a tantrum. If I tell her to go into her room and pick out clothes, I get a happy girl in a some what creative outfit.
Last night we had Thanksgiving dinner (Canadian) and I put a bit of things I thought she would like on her plate. She ignored the scalloped potatoes, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. She ate the steamed carrots and broccoli. Not what I would choose, but hey, it’s her choice.
For dinner, we negotiate with dessert. She has to eat her veggies, and at least taste something she says she doesn’t like, but has never tried before. Dessert is often a cookie or milkshake (frozen fruit blended with milk).
Don’t get me wrong, dinner is still filled with drama, but we don’t make her finish something she doesn’t like, but we do make her try it.
I love my son to death, he is the joy of my life.
But there were never so many days that I wanted to put a bullet in my brain as when he was between the ages of 18 months and 3 years.
I could handle the ‘no’ part. He would say it in the sweetest little singsong voice, and the entire time he would be doing what I wanted him to do.
It was the quickness of everything and he would never sleep. Turn my back for one minute and he’s climbing on the stove. He’s out the front door buck ass nekkid running down the driveway towards the busy street with me in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear chasing after him, much to the amusement of all the neighbors. A nekkid 2 year old can run a lot faster downhill on a gravel driveway than his 40 year old momma can.
One night I hear laughter coming from downstairs. I had started taking him to bed with me, putting him between me and the wall so when he got up he would wake me up. He figured out if he crawled to the bottom of the bed he could escape without me knowing, or maybe that night I was so damned tired I didn’t feel him crawling over me. So I head downstairs to see what is so funny. He’s pulled all of the eggs out of the fridge and is throwing them across the room at the dogs.
I’m glad they were having fun.
“Oh, don’t worry. I know how to fix this problem. THIS technique is guaranteed to work perfectly, one hundred percent of the time!”
My kids are in their 20’s now but I used to do it only one way
“Do you want the Hello Kitty shirt or the ruffly purple shirt?”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO”
“Ok its the white one”
“NOOO I dont like the white one”
“Tough - maybe next time you will make your own choice”
After a few times picking out the worse clothes (or food) for them they soon realise that unless they choose when asked I pick - and as a father I made sure they knew I picked the hideous / horrible stuff
I’ve got a very independent 26 month old and “what works” seems to change every couple of weeks or so.
I did have some success with him on Saturday when he was throwing a fit at the dinner table. I took him into the living room and sat him on the couch and explained that we do not yell or shout at the dinner table, and that he was welcome to come back into the kitchen when he was ready to eat quietly. I handed him a book to read and he sat there nicely for a few minutes and then came back into the kitchen and sweetly said “I’m ready to eat now”.
I felt like the best Dad ever!
I have a brother. He was the 5th of 6 children. So my parents were experienced. But he was so bad about staying in bed when he was that age that my mother resorted to tying him down in his crib. One night, she heard a small voice from the bedroom. “Help! Help!” She went in and he was hanging by one ankle. He got out three knots but thought that was enough. (dumbass, still is) So as she put him back in bed he looked up and pleaded “Don’t tie me down anymore mamma.” “Or going to get out bed?” “No” “OK!”
One thing I learned early was not to end a statement to my son about what he needed to do with the word, “Okay?” As in, “You need to put on your shirt now, okay?” Guess what four-letter word he said. (“Nooo!”)
“Okay?” is only to be used when he actually was permitted to decline.
My older sister tried to avoid saying “No” or “Don’t” to her daughter. So “Don’t touch!” became “Just for looking!” in a cheerful voice. It worked well for her.
Quoted for truth.
I would always laugh when someone suggested a simple solution to dealing with kids. As if I hadn’t tried it. My daughter will break you.
Seriously! My wife finally had enough with the gradual easygoing new age potty training. It just wasn’t working! Five weeks of potty training, and not even one poop landed in the potty.
Finally, she just took his diapers away. He ran around in his underwear. He pooped his underwear exactly one time, and hated the feeling so much that he never did it again. My wife potty trained my son from full diaper dependency to never having another accident again, in one afternoon.
Jack Donaghy: “In five years we’ll all either be working for him… or be dead by his hand.”