Trans people are a tiny portion of the population, something like a tenth of a percent. It’s ridiculous to expect a thousand cis-people to take the time to have conversations about NOT wanting to date them rather than having the one trans person talk about it with their dates. And, a lot of women will probably be offended if the first question their date asks upon seeing them is “are you a transwoman?”
Agreed. I wanted to post this but you beat me to it.
I absolutely believe it is a lie of omission. It is unlike puffery where I’m 15 or 20 pounds heavier than my profile pic. This is a knowingly material detail that a transperson must know is important to an overwhelming majority of people.
Why waste your time (and the other person’s time) going out on dates and having an awkward conversation about it, ruining the evening, and getting your feelings hurt? Just come out and say it and then you will only by dealing with people who know and do not think it is a dealbreaker.
So maybe the info is in the first email, or the second, or the third, before you decide to meet for lunch. You have to accept that if you’re going to dive in and agree to meet somebody based purely on what’s in their profile, you’re going to have lunch with some people you don’t want to hang out with.
I’m interested to know: If we put this question into a list of all the existing profiling criteria, organised from ‘biggest’ to ‘smallest’ (measuring by the statistical likelihood of collision), would this be at the bottom of that list? Is there nothing that currently exists in dating profile questions that has a smaller footprint of likely collision?
Of course, that’s only one metric, but it would not surprise me to learn that there are more ‘minor impact’ questions already in the list; if so, there’s no reason to exclude this one.
And I think there are other reasons why it may be worth including. When a cis person us matched with a trans person, and they didn’t desire this, or for some reason, they find that match actually offensive, it’s going to be a bad experience for both parties - small probability, but big impact - wearing my risk manager hat for a moment, that’s a problem that I would say still needs to be considered.
OTOH, as Una said, there’s the counter risk of the transperson never meeting somebody that might like or love them after they get over the initial surprise.
We already have (what I think is) a problem that modern dating and e-profiling emphasizes the idea “I’m buying a product from a catalog and it better have instant curb appeal when I first see it. If not, I’m outta here.”
Ultimately that guarantees that any relationship formed from that process has passed that hurdle first and foremost. And as anyone who’s been married / LTRed for years can tell you, that first 30 seconds or first 30 minutes is not real predictive of how well the rest of the decades will play out.
It’s an example of applying totally wrong-headed selection criteria if your goal is anything other than “orgasm tonight.”
Anyone who is leaving pertinent information out of a dating website profile is doing everyone a disservice. You go out on a date expecting to find a partner to marry and have children with. You want to have genetic progeny. You hit it off with the person THEN find out they are incapable of performing their gender identification’s biological functions. Sounds like a recipe for people to get upset.
It is in everyone’s best interest to be as open as possible. Make it clear what you are looking for. Make it clear what you are not looking for. Respect other peoples’ choices. If avoiding STIs is important to you: ask all partners when their last blood test was, what the results were, and if they’ve had sex since then or shared needles with anyone.
Dont assume someone’s motives for their choices and actions. No one can read minds. Dont feel shamed if someone rejects you. Rejection is part of life.
Lies of omission are indeed lies. Lying is unethical. I wouldn’t expect any relationship to work when the integrity of the relationship’s foundation is questionable.
Talk about assuming.
Lots of people date to find a sex partner for tonight.
Others date to find a companion for a few months.
Other date to find a companion for decades with zero desire to create children.
And yes, some date to find a babymommy or babydaddy.
Over my 30 years of marriage we have spent a lot of time and money avoiding creating children. Were I young again I don’t know that I’d choose “transgender partner” as my go-to move for birth control, but I’d definitely see that as a plus, not a minus, in the overall equation.
One hell of a lot of Americans are waking up to the idea that the requirement to procreate is far more a cultural line of BS than a truly deep-seated requirement.
The biological urge to procreate is real. So is the biological urge to violence. We’ve decided one of those is almost always socially unacceptable and we’re well on the way to deciding the other one is no longer 100% required.
I am sure that is a real danger, but ISTM that the idea that a random person is going to get over the initial surprise and love them for who they really are is a wish-fulfillment fantasy, not a realistic expectation. Would we expect any significant number of gay men to overlook that a person is a heterosexual ciswoman, and love her anyway?
Well, I have been married for years, and I can tell how it would have worked out if she was born a man. It wouldn’t have.
Regards,
Shodan
I assumed nothing. It was an anecdote meant to illustrate a point. The point being that you don’t know what the other person wants. We have an open forum (the dating site) to narrow down people and find the best matches by making it known what you want or dont. Even if the anecdote is, “looking for sex for a night” you are the one assuming. You assume everyone wants to have sex with transgendered individuals on their one night stands. The point to be open stands unless it directly jeopardizes your own or someone else’s life.
I respect your view that procreation is “a cultural line of BS” but I would never subscribe to it. I love my heritage and am anticipating the days when my children are born. I will raise them as responsibly as I can and let them make their own choices when they have reached sufficient maturity. We all want to fit in somewhere and have the people we love surrounding us. You can’t fault someone for choosing a different course than you. Idk who you know but no one I know ever tried to claim procreation is mandatory. You seem to be saying that everything rooted in biological urges is invalid or immoral.