I’ll email my friends for the name and get back to you.
This is purely my own personal take, based on issues I’ve had with people who aren’t your boyfriend, and it may not apply to you.
If he’s been like this for several weeks, it’s time to tell him to grow the fuck up. The mourning period is over, it’s not all about him any longer. You hate yourself and you think that every decision you’ve ever made is wrong? Well, I’m sorry babe, but that’s patently false and I’m tired of spending all day stroking your ego. I’ve told you that I don’t love you any less because you aren’t earning gobs of cash, and I meant it. If you don’t believe me, repeating myself isn’t going to help. However, if you don’t get your head out of your self-involved ass and do SOMETHING useful, I WILL start liking you less. How about cleaning the apartment, or cooking me dinner?
You’re single, right?
I strongly disagree with this. Even if it’s a sentiment borne out of frustration. Statements like this from a girlfriend or a wife would make most guys feel emasculated. Actually, I think it would be upsetting coming from anyone but I think it would sound the death knell on a relationship.
Also, the OP mentions the boyfriend had issues with depression in the past, in which case a round of STFU isn’t going to do much.
There’s being firmly supportive (Hey, I made an appointment for the doctor and we’re definitely going or There’s a networking thing going on and I want us to go) and there’s being mean. “Cook me some dinner?” How is that productive?
Listening to someone complain/mourn as long as they’re productively doing something to get out of their situation isn’t babying them.
You can’t help someone who is the type of individual that doesn’t want to be helped, and that’s something I would hope anyone in a relationship would consider when trying to find a good partner. But there’s also kicking people when they’re down.
Maybe you just know a lot of self-pitying losers with a history of failure. There’s nothing in the OP to warrant that assumption.
I hope you’ve gotten the free/sliding scale clinic info. A lot of people suggest COBRA for the recently unemployed. The part that they fail to mention is COBRA usually costs about 80% of what people receive as unemployment benefits. Unless you have a hefty nest-egg to pay the rest of your bills, COBRA isn’t really an option for many people.
No, really. I’m still with the guy I said these things to - we’ve been together for 16 years. After this incident, he admitted that whining about his problems was making him feel worse. Having some small, easily handled problem like making dinner made him feel a lot more capable of tackling his bigger problems.
I’m not saying that it’s the right thing for everybody, but I do think that a slap in the face is important and necessary when genuine grief devolves into self-involved self pity*. I’m all for saying “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, and I sympathize”, and giving lots of love and reassurance, but at some point it’s time to talk about something other than how bad he feels, both for your sanity AND for his.
*Depression is an entirely different beast, and needs to be handled differently. Although, I still there’s a limited value in listening to someone talk about how much they hate themselves, over and over. As much as possible, you want to break that mindset, not indulge it.
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I think things exactly like this. “Shut up, you’re bringing me down and I can’t listen to this for another second!” It’s frustrating hearing him worry, because I’m worrying too.
Out loud, I try to translate that into “You need to calm down and think about other things for a while. Tell me about your favorite episode of Battlestar Galactica, tell me what the cats did today, talk about anything other than your problems. For you and for me, okay?”
I more or less felt the same way when I lost my job last year. It wasn’t so much being unemployed that bothered me. It was the fact that I kind of liked my job, enjoyed most of the people I worked with and had more or less been pretty successful there for almost 5 years.
Most likely your SO is dealing with a number of conflicting feelings. The most obvious ones:
-Anger and resentment about losing his job
-Financial concerns
-Concerns about finding an equivalent job
-General concerns about career goals and decisions
-Boredom
-Lonliness (most of the world is at work obviously)
-Job search frustrations
-Concerns about being forced to take a job that sucks
-General feelings of unfocused rage or axiousness
The first thing to realize is that you aren’t going to find a new job overnight. It’s unrealistic to expect to find a new job in this economy within a few weeks. I was interviewing with one company that had my resume from last March. The interview process lasted from November to January.
A general rule of thumb is that it takes about 1 month per every $10,000 you make. Of course a lot of that depends on the economy, your particular industry and skill level, your network and other factors. So right there, the first thing he should do is file for unemployment (if he hasn’t already), apply for a credit card with 0% interest promotional rate, transfer any credit card debt to it and settle in on about a 6-12 month job search.
Next he needs to prepare for his job search. In this economy, companies tend to hire only for specific positions. They aren’t hiring a dozen people who look smart so they can grow into their roles. He should be using whatever resources he has at his disposal to put together very focused cover letters, resumes and networking letters. Make use of free online job search sites like Hotjobs, Monster, CareerBuilder and Ladders.com (more for six figure earners and management types) as well as professional networking sites like LinkedIn. He should also leverage networking sites like MySpace or Facebook as well as any services available through his college career services and alumni offices (assuming he went to college). He should also join any professional networking groups related to what he does.
I wouldn’t waste a lot of time sending in resumes online. You are almost better off looking for the online adds to see which companies are hiring, then try to find someone in the group you are applying to in order to speak to them directly.
Also, he should make a list of everyone he knows remotely related to his profession and proceed to invite each of them to lunch or coffee. Or at least a phone conversation. This has two purposes. The first is to strengthen your network and find leads on potential jobs. The other is to keep active socially.
The problem with any job search is that 90% of it is waiting. That can get frustrating so he needs other stuff to keep him busy. Go to the gym. Take a walk in the park. I was lucky that I was unemployed right when GTA IV came out, so I had that going for me. Probably want to avoid going out late drinking and hanging out in strip clubs with your boys. That seemed to piss off my GF.
Also, try not to go to shit. Shower and get dressed when you get up in the morning (or when you get back from your workout). Keep the appartment clean. No one wants to come home to a guy reeking of booze and surrounded by empty pizza boxes and bottles mopeing in his underwear like Collin Farrel in The Recruit.
That’s about all I got. Mostly the trick is to be patient, do a little bit in your job search every day and find things you enjoy to pass the time while you have the time to do them.
If COBRA isn’t an option (it’s hella expensive), you might be able to check into short term health insurance. This is a product that most of your insurance providers have (State Farm, AmFam, those guys) and that’s designed to provide health insurance for short periods of time - up to 6 months or so. SpouseO and I got it for the gap between moving from one place to starting the job (or starting the benefits) at another, and it’s definitely reasonable.
I can’t speak to the extent of its coverage (we looked at it as more emergency coverage for the 2 months or so that we needed it, and so never even used it) or if there’s certain criteria you have to meet to get it, but it’s definitely worth looking into.
This very well may be the most “on the money” advice I’ve seen given on this board, ever. Seriously.
My late boyfriend was prone to depressive episodes, and this really works.
I’ve never been laid off, but I’ve sure worried about it, including just last week.
First, tell him over and over that his situation has nothing to do with inadequacy or screwing up. I know it is common to believe that only losers or the bottom 10% get laid off, but that isn’t how it works anymore.
Second, make sure he has some short term goals. We guys like to accomplish things. There must be some stuff he didn’t have time for, encourage him to work on that. Watching TV has no end and so there is no sense of accomplishment.
Have him look for jobs, and make some plans, but I agree with msmith537 that he’s going to be very lucky if anything happens. I work in the computer business, and when both Intel and Microsoft are having layoffs, things are tough. He should get some job hunting books and start getting ideas and mapping out a strategy.
In the OP you said
I assure you, your presence is not another source of hurt. When I was doing my dissertation, and very stressed, my wife thought this very thing. I don’t think I could have done it without her.
One discussion to have is career change. I’ve read that a lot of people have taken this opportunity to do things they wouldn’t risk doing otherwise. It’s also a good time to learn stuff he didn’t have time to learn before.
Good luck to you both.
The clinics that my friends go to are the first two on the list here. There’s two clinics at the same address on 16th and I think that one of them specializes in mental health issues and the other in physical health issues, but they work closely together so it doesn’t matter which one you go to. One friend says that he’s had good interactions with every health provider he’s met there, and another friend says they’re great doctors but very busy, so you need to go in knowing that you may spend a couple hours there.
Good luck, and try to maintain your own sanity as well as your boyfriend’s.
The last time my Dad was unemployed, his depression from being fired combined with Mom’s depression over his having been fired (leading to her losing her status as “Mrs. Important Man”) and with her getting bedridden and with having a daughter one year away from college and two boys in single-digit ages.
Having kids can be as much a part of the reason you feel like shit as a reason to pick yourself up and go look for the next job.