Life Advice Sought -- SO lost his job

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My boyfriend was laid off from his job several weeks ago.

Since then, he has been incredibly depressed and angry. He’s looking for work, but –surprise!—hasn’t found anything yet.

He spends hours being angry at himself, questioning the choices he’s made over the last ten years and blaming himself for his current predicament. In his words, he’s a “waste.” There’s no consoling him. No pointing out that the economy is bad and a lot of good, talented people are suddenly scrambling for work. There’s absolutely nothing I’ve said since he lost his job that’s made him feel better.

He is never angry at me; he doesn’t lash out or pick fights. It’s this intense anger, directed only inward.

He has a history of depression, but is currently not medicated. Without a job or health insurance, he can’t get back into therapy.

I don’t know what to do to be a help or a comfort. I don’t know whether to be cheerful or to join him in misery. Occasionally, I wonder if my presence isn’t just another source of hurt to him.

I think our relationship is strong enough to survive this. And I know he’s strong enough to get through this and come out the other end. “This too shall pass.” But right now, I hate watching him suffer.

What am I looking for? Similar stories. Any – ANY – sort of advice. Good thoughts.

2

Did he have insurance coverage when he was working? If he did then he is eligible for COBRA, which would be kind of expensive but it would provide him with the medical care he needs to get prescriptions and stuff to help deal with the depression. If you need more specific health insurance information or advice I’ll be glad to give it but COBRA is a good place to start.

3

My DH went through that same thing about a decade ago and he was a wreck. It hit him hard, and our relationship hard. He was very depressed and very difficult to live with, to say the least.

I don’t know what to suggest except being there for him and trying your best to convince him that his entire worth is not tied to his earning potential. I know how it feels, being unemployed not by choice for 3 mths or so now…hard stuff.

And if his depression is such that it is making life miserable, yes, seek out treatment. There are resources available.

So many are going through this right now. It sucks.

4

Oh yeah, my boyfriend just got axed in the latest round of investment banking layoffs. When it stopped being about money it started being about ego (which is arguably more dangerous!), and the fact that the axing had less to do with performance and everything to do with powervacuumpoliticssuck continues to be gutwrenching to him. So, the same thing, except tempered because he has a naturally optimistic upbeat personality. But he also has those moments of extreme depression and inward anger at not being savvy enough to figure out that he was being set up for an axing.

I’m actually amazed by the fact that things are going reasonably well-we had advance warning of his riffing because his boss called us on vacation to tell us that a very particular ass had been pressuring everyone to have him fired. I was very worried that he might have a meltdown but he has been handling it well so far.

Things that helped:

  1. Has your boyfriend had his contributions to the company acknowledged? I think for really [strike]crazy workaholics[/strike] hardworking people this is something that really helps the transition and went/is going a long way to assuaging my bf’s ego. The same boss who was pressured to fire him resigned a day after his riffing, in protest. He received such an outpouring of support that his firing is now being examined by upper levels of management and the guy who got him fired is scrambling to cover his bases. This has been really soothing for him. So has getting out with people he worked with-clients and co-workers. Hearing “that was really unfair” from colleagues helps a LOT. I don’t know how long your boyfriend worked for his company but mine gave a decade of his life-it was the first and only job he has ever had and he climbed to very senior levels of management. I don’t know what your BF does, but I’d recommend finding some way of honouring his work (I know this is cheesy as hell but seeing it work in action on him is why I’m suggesting it). Maybe have a get together at a bar with friendly colleagues and whatnot so they can pump him up and tell him it was unfair.

  2. Don’t let him isolate himself: it’s easiest to navelgaze when you’re sitting alone on the couch. Once you’ve been together for a while with your SO it’s also pretty easy to tune them out. Try to get out, generally, with friends and family.

  3. General depression alleviating actions: exercise etc. I do nag him into going for a run every day because he always cheers up after. I am very much a healthy body-healthy mind person so IMO times of stress is not when you should reach for the unhealthier stress alleviators (alcohol, cigarettes and disgusting processed food). YMMV on this-I know I’m a typical yippie when it comes to this.

  4. It helps to not slide into general slobbiness: honestly, if you look like sht, you feel like sht. I’m not advocating busting out the suit to search for jobs on the computer but it makes a big difference if you get up everyday, eat meals properly, keep a proper schedule, continue the general hygeine necessary to show up at work everyday and not lounge around in sweatpants (jeans and tshirt at least).

  5. I guess the catch-all of being generally supportive. Yes, hearing him re-talk the riffing and the events leading up to it gets tedious but I make sure he doesn’t hear boredom/STFU in my voice. This is largely because I sympathize with him-we are in different (but related) professions but we have the same overly analytical obsessive brain that necessitates going over and over facts. I know that at some point he will talk about it less and less but if he calls up to go “can you believe what happened?” I listen and make the appropriate noises. It means a lot because I know it makes him feel needy to have to “talk” about it so much (he’s the pretty stoic banking sort) but I can hear the relief in his voice that there’s someone to voice his whining to that isn’t sick of it.

If you feel his depression is really serious I’d also seriously counsel you to make him see a primary care physician at a free health clinic and see if his moodiness has reached the point where he may need a temporary boost from medication to get through the low spots. There is no shame in this.

Best of luck.

5

I second the advice to pay for COBRA if it’s available. The only thing more expensive than health insurance is needing it and not having it. I’m pretty sure it also can have implications for coverage of pre-existing conditions under the new insurance he’ll eventually get (creditable coverage rather than break in coverage).

But if that truly isn’t possible, there are often free support groups for job seekers. If he’s not anti-religious, churches are one place to look for these. Also check the newspaper and libraries.

Also, is he doing the basics of sleeping on a regular schedule, eating regular meals, and getting moderate exercise? Those are pretty effective against depression that doesn’t rise to the level of needing medical treatment.

6

I was unemployed many years ago. IMO it’s tougher for men. Whereas women may have kids that define “purpose,” we often get our identities wrapped up in what we do, which defines who we are.

Besides seconding a lot of the above (especially finding a support group of some sort), I think time is the enemy. If you’re not working, you have more time to stew. I advocate keeping as busy as possible. He should make a list of things he needs to do (e.g. fix the sink) and has always wanted to do (e.g. write the Great American Novel) and dig in. He should also seek out other people and spend time with them. Some volunteering could be great as well.

7

Another vote for COBRA. It may be expensive, but far better than not having it and really needing it (and the debt that could come from that).

For depression: a cheap, easy way to help ward it off is regular exercise. Even like 30 minutes of walking every day will help. If it’s cold, go to a mall (but don’t shop ;-). A big thing is to not allow (lame) excuses to prevent you from doing the exercise.

Another suggestion (since he has time available): volunteer work. This not only gives you a sense of doing “something”, but being selfless it definitely helps you feel better about yourself.

8

Fuck him.

Seriously. Jump his bones early and often. Have loud and convulsive orgasms. Tell him what a great lover he is. If nothing else, it will help him feel manly and take his mind off his troubles for a bit.

9

Find a networking (support) group for him to get into. That will give him a social outlet and a place to vent, if nothing else.

Get him into a routine. The last thing he should be doing is sitting at a computer all day looking for jobs and dwelling on being let go. Have him take a couple of hours each day to take a wlak, go work out, clean the house, whatever, as long as he does it every day and gets his mind off being unemployed for awhile.

Be sympathetic, but don’t wallow in his misery.

And the sex thing is a good idea, too.

10

Ooh, I also wanted to mention that this summer when I ended up being unemployed for a bit I took a “vacation” from it all. I gave myself 3 days of sleeping until noon and going to the park and laying around the house with no clothes on and not thinking about anything more complicated than which season of Sex and the City to watch next. It really helped to take a few days just to decompress. I know you two have a vacation coming up so hopefully after that he will feel better able to focus and more appreciative of the fact that this is a result of the economy, not him or the quality of work that he does.

Also, if COBRA is not an option for him PM me or call me or something and I can go over all of the coverage options available to him.

11

Call the United Way about sliding scale therapy.

And while he is on the phone with the United Way, ask about volunteering maybe 10 hours a week - working with people less fortunate than you are when life has kicked you is often inspiring - or at least it shows you that you don’t necessarily have it that bad. It will also help with his resume - people will ask what he did while he was laid off - if the answer is that he took some online classes and spent ten hours a week at the foodshelf while continuing to interview and look for work - that’s a lot more impressive to an interviewer than “I got my paladin to level 60 in World of Warcraft and watched every Buffy episode.”

12

After I graduated from college, I was unemployed for over a year. I didn’t think I was depressed until I got a job and looked back at myself. I had trouble sleeping and would often beat myself up at how much my life stunk. What helped me get my mind off of being unemployed and made me somewhat less depressed was focusing equal amounts of time on looking for a job and doing things that I enjoyed. Don’t let him spend all his time beating himself up and being frustrated about the unemployment. Get him to do fun things that he enjoys as well as job searching. It should help.

13

volunteering can lead to a new job. you didn’t say what job he had, but many places can use people in quite a few fields.

nyc should have many places that he can hang out at and do good things. from neighbourhood community offices to museums.

14

I would actually like to second this advice. Women often don’t realize the very large amount of personal validation that men get from sex. Right now he may be feeling a bit emasculated, and letting him know that you still think he’s studly can only help.

15

Thanks for all the advice so far. I often find myself forgetting that I live in a world full of people dealing with the exact same problems I am and that there is support available from all sides. It’s too easy for me to assume I’m living in a bubble.

For some reason, my SO was never offered the chance to sign up for COBRA. Might be an oversight on the company’s part… might be that this company, a rather small non-profit, might not have to. But I’ll remind him to ask immediately.

I too believe in the stabilizing power of regular meals, so I’ve been making sure there’s plenty of (non-junk) food in the house and that we cook dinner together. I do notice a difference in attitude before and after we eat. He should be exercising more. And more sex, apparently!!

16

Thirded - actually, I would recommend this regardless of the job loss. :wink:

17

Based on my experience in a similar situation:

  • Give him time to mourn - but see if you can get him to commit to a time to pick himself up and get moving. A few weeks at most

  • Get him moving - he needs to get distracted by action. I focused on building out a networking structure. I bought some Contact Management Software (the stuff sales people use to track their contacts - ACT! is one but there is likely free shareware that accomplishes the same thing. I then input my contacts, called them and wrote down: a) how that call went; b) when I should plan to call them back - and SET UP A “TASK” ALARM for that next call; and c) asked them who they would have me call - and entered those names into the database. Within a few weeks, I could wake up in the morning with a list of 15 - 20 calls to make - so I did NOT have to think about the soul-crushing work of prostituting myself to find a job - I merely had to check my accomplishments off a list. It is a simple game to play on your head - but it works.

  • I also set quotas for how many calls / emails / contacts I had to make each day, and WROTE OUT SCRIPTS for things like voice mail messages - so I could cut to the chase on the message without fumbling…

The only way a person can feel good about this type of situation is if they keep themselves busy in a way that enables them to exert more influence OVER their situation. But they have to focus on little steps and victories - they can’t expect to wake up one morning and state “today, I will get a job” - it is much better to focus on “today, I will get my resume into shape” or “today I will make 20 contacts” or “today, I will draft my voice mail script” - and those little actions will force him to ask himself the big questions, which can help him get clarity on what he wants to do.

…and the sex.

18

If you have problems with the health insurance thing, and you really are in NYC, I can recommend an excellent free/sliding scale clinic that has docs with a good understanding of depression. It’s been a literal lifesaver for several of my friends.

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We are in NYC. I’d really appreciate the info.

20

Hi TheMerchandise. I may have missed it, but what kind of work did your boyfriend do for the non-profit he worked for? Is it the kind of work that can translate into consulting work? If so, I would encourage you to have him contact your local city hall to find out what it takes to get a business license as a sole proprietor. Where we live, it was a matter of filling out a form, doing a name search to make sure no one else was using the name you want to use, placing a DBA ad in the local newspaper (costs a just few bucks) and paying the $100 fee.

When my husband first came here, immigration law forbid him from looking for work prior to his arrival and our marriage, so I know a little about what you’re going through. It was a very difficult time for him, adjusting to a new country, and adding not working was a recipe for some down days.

So what I did was acted like I was the one looking for a job, and did a lot of the leg work for him. I had him get a business license and start promoting himself for consulting work, and he got a few small jobs that way. He would never have thought of that because it’s just not done that way in Denmark. I also scoured the online job sites and sent him every job I thought he’d be remotely qualified for or interested in. I networked through my business contacts and found him some temporary work.

He’s extremely skilled in his field, so eventually he was successful in landing a full-time job, and it wasn’t long before he got recruited away by a headhunter who found his resume online, for an even better job. In the meantime, it looked good on his resume that he was self-employed and currently “working” as opposed to having a big gap in his employment history. And it was also very good for him to have a reason to get up, get dressed, get out of the house, do a little work and make at least some money while he was looking for the right opportunity.

If your boyfriend doesn’t want to go to the trouble or expense of setting up a consulting business and networking through his former business contacts for some small jobs in the interim, I’d highly recommend he register with several Temp agencies and be willing to do any kind of work they might call him for; answering phones, filing, cold-calling, light industrial work, etc. Sure, the agencies are probably busting at the seams with applicants, but they’ve got jobs, and there’s a method to being the one they choose when new assignments come in. Just get up, get dressed and call every agency you’re registered with and tell them you’re ready to go, and if there are no jobs immediately, have them put you on the available list for the day. Do that EVERY day, with EVERY agency. Temping is a great way to network, as well as possibly being offered full-time work, even if it’s not doing what you went in there as a temp to do.

Wishing you guys the best of luck!