The fact that you keep reporting documented abuse, and nothing seems to be done about it, indicates to me that there’s a LOT more going on than what you’re telling us.
Ahuh.
I know the internet is an easy place to become jaded, but is it really easier to assume I’m just making a multi-tiered problem with so many specifics over the justice system just fails? You guys that are so skeptical must have NEVER had any type of unfair treatment in your life, that’s a great thing.
In this incident, I’m maintaining that the child support system in Florida is overburdened, exhausted and incapable of repairing itself. I’m not purporting that there’s some conspiracy against my family. I’m merely saying that they have too much to do, so what they do end up doing, ends up being done piss poorly.
You’ve got the right idea, that the real goal here is getting through the next several years with as little damage to your daughter as possible. Child support is great if you can get it, but it’s secondary. Karmic justice for him is an attractive dream, but ultimately irrelevant.
For your own sake, I really suggest letting go of the idea that jail will straighten out his behavior when nothing else has. People like him typically don’t work that way. He’ll charm the system by being a model prisoner for 10 or 30 or 90 days as needed, and then he’ll just turn right back into the same monster to all of you once he’s out. Worst case, he decides that jail is no longer something to be feared.
He is what he is, and you’re not going to change him. You just can’t. You’d have just as much luck trying to teach a tornado or a virus that its actions have consequences. It’s like with an alcoholic or an addict; all you can control is how you react.
To that end, ask for help from people who know what they’re doing. Try family therapy for you, your wife, and her daughter (without bio-dad), separate from anything ordered by the court. The goal would be to develop some tools for dealing with the bio-dad in a way that minimizes the chaos that he brings with him. Right now he’s pulling everyone’s chains; you drop her off at times and places of his choosing, your in-laws spend an hour on the phone with him, etc. I understand the goal of not provoking him into making the daughter’s life harder, but it’s not working; he’s already making her angry and miserable. A good therapist can help develop ways to set up emotional boundaries and a certain level of stability for your daughter, and help her deal with the fallout from him. You may even be able to find one who specializes in helping families deal with a toxic ex/parent.
If it helps, remind yourself that he is not untouchable; he’s lost out in ways that he doesn’t even understand. He has no love in his life. You know by now what sort of meaning and fulfillment can come from raising a child, and he has thrown that away.
I would just like to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you very much for treating me with kindness, respect and humanity. I can totally understand where you’re coming from, and at times, even my own wife feels like it’s a lost cause and we should just forget about it.
Maybe I should.
I just can’t, not right now. Even if just for the little one’s sake, so that she sees that not all men are evil. She needs to see that there are men out there who will fight the good fight, regardless of how it’ll go down.
I just wish I didn’t feel so neutered.
Legal and personal advice is best suited to IMHO.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
Where do you live?
I only ask because where I practice, dead beat parents regularly go to jail for not paying child support. Moms and Dads. Does your state have a division of child support enforcement?
I had a client get a three year sentence for child support violations. Maybe Virginia is just more aggressive about this stuff.
I live in one of the most population heavy counties in the state of Florida, second most I believe.
I’d be more specific, but AH is someone I want to protect myself from. I would like to leave a more specific location out because this guy has done some crazy things in the past.
Give you a quick example: He got on my business FB page, slammed my religious beliefs (called me a narrow-minded ghost chaser, I later found out that he believes the Holy Ghost to be as real as an actual ghost… so yeah, in some strange way, it was a theology slam? The guy is in his 50’s and just acts like a teen) and just made an overall mess.
Like I said before… I know the situation sounds crazy, but this is what I’m stuck with. I’d love advice or some idea of what to expect heading in.
First, understand child support and the custody/visitation issues are two separate issues. He can be jailed for not paying child support, his antics have nothing to do his lack of payment. If he were NOT abiding by your visitation order, he could be found in contempt for that, but jail time is very rarely ordered in that situation, IME.
Second, document document document. It seems that your upcoming hearing is dealing with his lack of payments, am I correct? Bring verification of his lack of payments. It can be provided by your child support office or (if your state has it available) online. If you have proof of times he’s said he was going to pay (in text/in court), show that to the court. If you know how he’s supporting himself, even if it’s only screen prints from social media, print it out and bring it to court. Do NOT bring other issues up, it reflects against you. Now, if HE brings stuff up, respond calmly. Have your file of printed out threatening text messages. Have affidavits (notarized) from others who have seen what he has done. Respond, not attack.
Third, consider obtaining a harrassment order against him. You can ask that there be no contact via any other means than, say, online family recording programs. If you do obtain an order and he violates it, you can file contempt against him for non-compliance.
Fourth, continue showing your stepdaughter what a good dad is like. Down the road, she will see him for who he is. Right now you’re in a quagmire, but it will eventually go away. He will either get a clue or will find someone else to bother. Yes, some people will never deal well with not having control over the situation (ultimately, that’s what it is about), just look forward to the day he will be out of your lives.
Is there any feasibility to going back to the court and getting the visitation order reconfigured?
I’m thinking about removing the non-specific nature of the meeting places, and possibly about petitioning that your stepdaughter’s visits with him be supervised.
He sounds like a nightmare and you have my sympathy.
He’ll never change so you’re stuck with making the changes that you can that make this situation more tolerable. Family therapy is a great idea to help set you up with the tools to cope with his behavior and minimise the impact it has on you and your family.
Thinking about your stepdaughter’s therapy, if you start making her appointments during your time with her, how would he even know she was there to barge in on her sessions? Could you all visit this guy for family therapy, which he obviously wouldn’t have a right to attend?
Or is there anything stopping her from seeing another therapist as well, if she’s not getting any benefit from the court ordered guy?
I don’t know about Florida, but here in Minnesota around age 12 or 13 is when Judges start to pay attention to what the kids say they want as far as visitation.
Usually, the Judge will only take testimony from the child if the child is willing, or even asks the Judge to speak to him/her. And the Judge is likely to see the child in chambers, possibly with the lawyers present (often required to be silent), but almost certainly without either parent being present. then the Judge will make their assessment of that testimony based on how mature the child seems, how much she seems to have been ‘coached’ by either parent (bad ideas), and what the child says she wants.
If you feel your step-daughter is able t do this without ill-affects, and is willing to do so, push your lawyer about doing this. Your lawyer may want to do just like the Judge – see your daughter alone & talk to her about it. If she is mature enough to say why she “really dislikes AH” and can can clearly say what she wants to happen (her ideas; don’t try to suggest something to her), the lawyer may be impressed enough to work to have her testify like this. But maybe Judges in Florida don’t do things like this.
Thank you everyone for your replies, I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back here. It’s been a very long day.
That is another thing I haven’t tried, getting a harassment order on him. I think that if this contempt hearing doesn’t work, we will have to just do these things. The trial coming up is a contempt hearing for failure to pay. It should be easy. He hasn’t paid, I can prove that, and he can pay, I can prove that, too.
You’re really on the ball with the “respond not attack” though. Sometimes it is easier to feel like attacking him, rather than responding. Thankfully, I haven’t “attacked” him yet. Sure feel like it though, lol.
Ah, damn. I’m sorry for the double message. I can’t figure out how to quote more than one message in my reply… I will just have to copy and paste it, so that it flows logically.
kaylasdad99- I don’t know if there’s any feasibility in taking him back to court. I explained my situation to my private counsel and he made a few suggestions. Because the state itself had already tried to bring him up on contempt charges 3 times and failed to do a thing, he said it would be a better idea if he took the case himself. That’s why I got the PI, to prove he has the income to pay his child support, just chooses not to. That’s the only thing I can prove very easily. We do have a modification for visitation case, but it’s all going to happen after the contempt case. In the modification, we want him to do all the picking up, have less visitation (or supervised visits), pick up in a neutral location (or he forfeits visitation), and we also want to include that if he’s late (he’s prone to being hours late at a time) that he also forfeits that day’s visitation.
Eliahna- Unfortunately, if we do get another doctor, (we’re strapped for cash as is, so even the lawyer we have now is a stretch) it would present other problems. If AH ever found out about the doctor’s appointments and we didn’t tell him, he could,and would, take us to court. Legally, he is supposed to know ahead of time, and he has threatened to take us to court dozens of times for anything. This will also be addressed at the modification hearing, I wanted our attorney to nail this point especially, because of AH’s NPD. AH can’t bear to see his biological daughter in therapy, his narcissism makes it look like a poor reflection on him, and he just won’t have it.
t-bonham- I’ve asked about that, and the attorney seems to think that it almost doesn’t happen, least not in his experience. This attorney is really one of the best and we have always employed his services, I trust him quite a bit. He did mention it COULD happen, but that most judges are against it because it can create even more chaos in the relationship. I would love my kid to testify or to talk to the judge in her quarters. We’ve never coached our kid, we mostly only ask her questions about what she wants and why. As far as her maturity… she’s an odd case of contradictions. In some ways, she’s very mature, but in others, she is underdeveloped and hypersensitive.
Unless AH has been publically diagnosed with NPD you’d be better off not bringing the subject up. It just makes you sound like you’re making things worse than they are. I mean, you may be right and all, but it’s not your place to make that diagnoses and if he isn’t actually diagnosed, well, then you’re making yourself look unreliable.
Could the therapist be subpoenaed to testify that he was sabotaging the therapy sessions? That might carry some weight.
Daughter, in this case, is twelve. She’s getting old enough that people will have to start listening to her testimony. I think you should get a second opinion about letting her testify. It’s a lot different than last time when she was seven. Twelve year olds can tell you whats what.