Lipstick: Your number's up

The BBQ Pit
1

MotherFUCKER. I spend good fucking money on lipstick, and in fact all my makeup. But lipstick, I’m constantly looking for something: near, far, cheap, expensive, glossy, matte, red, pink, coral, brown, clear:

THAT WILL STAY ON MY MOTHERFUCKING, COCKSUCKING LIPS FOR MORE THAN FIFTEEN CRAPTACULAR ASSREAMING MINUTES

Here’s my god damn, timeraping process of applying lipstick as illustrated by my transvestite cocksucking M.A.C. associate who obviously just wants to toy with my fragile fucking emotions:

  1. exfoliate lips with toothbrush and warm water.
  2. apply foundation to lips
  3. apply powder over foundation
  4. apply lip liner, fill in
  5. powder over lipliner
  6. apply lipstick
  7. blot
  8. apply lipstick again
  9. blot again.
    10.apply gloss

That’s ten motherfucking steps motherfucker. And by the end I’m exhausted, dehydrated, late for work and ready to kill. I’d gladly go through these steps if they worked EVEN A FUCKING TINY FUCKING BIT. But after following one through ten this morning, I mistakenly assumed I could, you know, drink god damn coffee from a cup and eat some motherfucking cottage cheese.

Oh NOOOOOOOO. by 9:30 (two hours later), totally gone. TOTALLY GONE, doesn’t even look like I have clear gloss on, cock. (and the lipstick is the cock, not you Scylla)

So tonight I shall spit all of my lipsticks on pikes, set them alight in my yard, dance around them mightily, and leave their charred, pigsucking corpses for the vultures, their gruesome deaths a warning to all other lipsticks that dare to venture into my home.

I’ve loved you for years, lipstick. I think I look good in you. But our relationship is nearing Simpson/Brown proportions.

And if I let you get the best of me…then the terrorists have truly won.

In conclusion, I quote t.v. favorite Robert Blake:

“I will eat your face one eye at a time. Your grandmother will come out of her grave screaming”

Know that, Eden’s Rocks Lipstick from M.A.C. Know that.
jarbaby

2

I’m weeping. I truly am. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve read in a long time.

Bravo!!
This, my friends, is why I don’t bother and stick with my tube o chapstick.

3

Have you tried Cover Girl’s Outlast Lip Color? I use that and it seems to work pretty well, although not the 8 (or whatever) hours that they boast. I can usually wear it for 5 hours without having to reapply.

4

jarbaby,

I’ll try and find the exact name of my extended wear lipstick (which I don’t have with me at work) and post it for you.

Believe it or not, both Avon and Maybelline make excellent extended wear lipsticks that only require one application. The only problem is that they dry your lips out, so keep chapstick (or other lip moisturizer) handy.

They do exist. Trust me. :smiley:

5

Oops - forgot to mention a couple of things.

  1. Lipliner is essential - particularly if your lips are anything like mine. I get “feathers” like you wouldn’t believe if I don’t apply it. Looks awful.

  2. I’ve had pretty good luck just wearing lipliner as lipstick as far as lasting.

  3. I don’t know what lipstick Opal wears.

6

Or you could have your lips tattooed.

Uhh, be sure to pick a colour you really like.

7

You could sandblast and then apply a couple of coats of epoxy primer.

8

Alls I wanna know is…

WHERE THE HELL CAN I GET MASCARA THAT WILL ACTUALLY COME THE FUCK OFF MY EYELASHES!!

I’ve used the regular stuff. I’ve used the waterproof stuff. I ‘ve used the stuff that curls, the stuff that thickens, the stuff that lengthens, the stuff that won’t clump, the stuff with some of Jesus’ ashes in it, the stuff made of 24 kt gold flakes, the stuff that will make me thin, rich, powerful, and beautiful, but NONE, I repeat NONE of it will come off with soap and water, makeup remover, turpentine, pumice, or the milk of virgin sheep from the mountains of Andorra who have been raised by a one-eyed 500-year-old eunuch.

It. Won’t. Come. Off.

<sob>

9

First of all, good rant.

Second, you have fallen for the great Makeup Must Be Complicated theory. You use a 10 step process to put on lipstick. The trouble is, this process was created for models and actresses. The point of this process is to make the lips look good on camera. It’s not meant to last for more than a few minutes. Someone runs up to the model or actress between takes/photos and dabs on a little fresh lipstick.

Most lipstick is designed to stain the lips. So even when it wears off, you still have a little color on your lips. By putting foundation on your lips first, you prevent this. Also, the foundation just puts a layer in between your lips and the lipstick so it can “slip off” more easily.

Also, putting gloss on top makes the lipstick rub off more quickly. Gloss usually has petroleum jelly or oil in it. So it basically acts like lipstick remover, softening the lipstick. The minute you touch your lips to a cup, the lipstick is “cleaned” off.

Personally, I want lipstick made with the dye they use for Kool-Ade. That would have lasting power! But to mimic Slip Mahoney, you’d have to pick a color you really liked.

10

THAT’s easy to do, since all mine tend to break off at the freakin’ base, and I end up with an empty container and a rugful of color chunks. I hate when that happens.

Dunno about you, but I got a picture of a Gary Larson-esque vultures doing makeovers on each other:

"Sylvia, Charred Pig Corpse is just so not your color. Try my Week Old Racoon Flesh #4, that’s more your shade.

11

Here’s another vote for Cover Girl’s Outlast Lip Color. It lasts through almost anything, although not usually through cocksucking. :slight_smile:

12

This is why I keep things simple - I don’t want the aggravation. On a typical day, I take about 2 minutes to apply make-up - powder, blush, mascara - that’s it. If I’m doing something more elaborate (like using foundation - I can get away without it most of the time because I have very clear skin most of the time), 5 minutes. I almost never use lipstick.

13

I absolutely second…er…third with preview, the CoverGirl thing. It’s got the best staying power of ANY lipstick I’ve ever tried, minus some Chanel crap I used to be addicted to.

Find it. Buy it. Use it. Worship it.
Tiggs, maybe if we meshed mascaras? Mine runs down my face as soon as I walk out of the house, leaving me looking like a creepy clown poster. I hate mascara. I wish it would die.

14

The heck with the coffee and cottage cheese. It’s the cocksucking that’s your problem. Although, if you come up with an alternative and you need a volunteer to help to see if the new way works for you…

15

Whyncha try one of those deals like in the commercial where the model chick’s eating whipped cream? That stuff looked pretty durable.

16

Lipfinity. I don’t know if that’s the name of the product or the brand, though.

17

Yeah. Lipfinity. And it costs 10-12 FUCKING DOLLARS!!

I like long wearing lipstick, but I don’t like having to take out a loan to buy the damn stuff.

18

psst - Lipfinity and Outlast are the same product, just different names. I know several gals who swear by 'em. I don’t wear lipstick myself, as I think my lips are too full and I hate drawing attention to them :frowning:

19

You’re preaching to the converted, Jarbaby. I hate lipstick. I love lipstick. I hate it…I love it…I will always be lipstick’s unrepentant bitch.

Here’s the deal, it’s really simple: I like wearing dark lipstick. I prefer to wear a little mascara, and little blush, and a nice dark rose lipstick. I have no issues with color - I can always find a great color. But for the love of god! I’ve tried every brand, every style, ever longwearing-promisebreaking kind you can imagine. I own at least thirty lipsticks. None of them last, none of them. I put it on using a lipbrush, fill it in, and that’s it. I’ll drive to school, sit through class, not touch my face or lips, not drink or eat or suck anything, and an hour later it’s all gone. My lips are dry and pale, and I look like a pasty-faced freak. I re-apply between every class. I just can’t make it last.

The worst thing is, I’m willing to spend $12 on the new Lipfinity. Anything that will last longer than an hour! Is it so impossible to make a product that will keep your lips moisterized but not fade away in 50 minutes??

As for mascara, I recommend Max Factor 2000 Colories. I always rub the wand on a tissue so it doesn’t get clumpy. It then applies evenly, lasts all day, doesn’t smear down my face (like every other kind I’ve tried) and washes off easily.

The day I bought green concealer was the day I knew I had a problem. I own five tinted moisturizers! I don’t even wear that much makeup, and it’s not like anyone notices, anyway. Sheesh.

20

Lipstick is meant to come off when cocksucking. It’s a standard feature.

Erek