At a recent gathering amongst friends and family, the topic of my discriminating nutritional preferences worked its way into the dinner conversation. As guests at the table compared notes on my rather peculiar culinary likes and dislikes, a unanimous consensus was reached: I suffer from ‘Liquescent Comestible Phobia.’
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to food, my tastes border on the particular. But, with the exception of my childhood, I don’t consider myself all that fussy an eater. As is usually the case, all labels are relative – but if pressed to categorize myself on the ‘adventurous ==> finicky’ eater scale, I guess I fall somewhere near the lower forty percentile. I don’t consider the fact I prefer my food dry – and that the 3 states of matter (solid, liquid and gas) should not be mixed on the same plate – to be all that odd. Seeing that I’ve never come across anyone else with the same ‘condition’ - I guess I’m forced to plead guilty.
Unfortunately, having now been unprofessionally diagnosed as a ‘Liquescent Comestible Phobic’ – I have more questions than I do answers. First and foremost: Are there other people out there who ‘suffer’ this same affliction? Knowing there is strength in numbers, I’ve taken a page from the NCADD’s playbook and devised a test that asks ‘What Are The Signs & Symptoms Of Liquescent Comestible Phobia’ in hopes of finding other people who are hobbled by this dreaded condition.
What is L.C.P.?
Liquescent Comestible Phobia (or L.C.P.) is an irrational aversion to wet foods. Generally speaking, people afflicted with this illness become uncomfortable – or even retch – at the sight of excessive moisture on their plate. When Liquescent Comestible Phobics are served mushy meals, they tend to lose their appetite. Though soups and other foodstuffs they know are supposed to be in liquid form don’t cause distress, placing soggy cuisine before them usually garners a negative reaction. It is unknown how many people suffer from this affliction, but evidence suggests those who do can become ashamed & embarrassed when it is pointed out to them.
The Food Usually Served Soggy Is Not Edibble So Shut-up! Self-Test on L.C.P. This test is intended to help you determine if you or someone you know needs to find out more about L.C.P. It is not intended to be used to establish the diagnosis of this condition:[ol][li]You use a shotglass equivalent of milk over a bowl of cold cereal to prevent the cereal from becoming soggy and so as to avoid seeing any leftover milk at he bottom of the bowl.[]When you make oatmeal, you use one-half the amount of recommended water. If you add milk or cream to your hot cereal, you’ll stir it in for 5 minutes to avoid seeing any milk in the bowl.[]Fried Eggs must be prepared ‘twice over heavily’. One look at runny yellow yolks – even on someone else’s plate - will put you off food for the rest of the day.[]You’ll eat scrambled eggs, provided any liquid that seeps from them is sopped up with a paper towel prior to being put on your plate.[]You tend to avoid semi-liquescent foods such as jams, cranberry sauce and Jello.[]You use salad dressings very sparingly, if at all.[]You never order a salad at a Japanese restaurant because you know underneath that lettuce is a watery swamp of ginger dressing waiting for you.[]Condiments such as mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise are used minimally – and best hidden underneath the bread or roll.[]You eat ‘dipping foods’ such as french fries or nacho chips dry. The tradition of having a blob of ketchup on your plate or bowl of salsa for dipping has you quite perplexed.[]You can prepare an entire pot of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese with less milk than is required to keep a kitten nourished for 5 minutes.[]One look at Aunt Tillie’s Thanksgiving Day Jello Mould with the julienned carrots has you thinking your rather eat the green mold off the bathroom tiles than see that shit on your side of the table.[]You’ll drain canned tuna fish for at least a half hour, and then squeeze any additional moisture out until a standard eight ounce can weighs less than 5 ounces.[]You never eat gravy on meat. In fact, when people ask you to pass the gravy boat, you don’t even look down as it’s in your hand.[]Even though you know better, you’re convinced the term ‘Au jus’ is French for ‘body fluids’. You prefer your meats cooked medium well or well done, and refuse to use the euphemism juicy for the term bloody.[]You’d give up cooking completely if someone stole your salad spinner or colander.[]You use no more than 2 tablespoons of tomato sauce on a serving of pasta. When served pasta with too much sauce, you’ll dab most of it off with your napkin and sop up the remainder with grated cheese.[]You never boil vegetables in water and use a steamer instead. A serving of vegetables can not have any water at the bottom of the bowl.[]Your canned tuna regimen is nothing compared to the lengths you go through to squeeze that last drop of moisture out of a can of spinach as you wonder how Del Monte manages to get an entire quart of water plus spinach into one 10 ounce can[]You avoid eating grapes and other juicy fruits that squish when you bite into them.Speaking of squishy and juicy fruit; you find yourself questioning the sanity of the inventors of Freshen Up Gum and will never forget the first and only time you tried a piece.[/ol]If you see yourself nodding in agreement with 5 or more of these symptoms, there’s a small likelihood you, too, could be suffering LCP. Due to the fact there are no conclusive studies on this characteristic and geneticists have yet to pinpoint a specific hereditary trait; psychologists the world over have yet to add this phobia to their ever-growing list. Hopefully, as data starts coming in, there will be a method of identifying other LCP sufferers as well. In any case, please take this quick test, post your results and include any other past observation’s you’ve made or other symptoms you’ve personally experienced.[/li]
Thanks! And keep it dry.
