The African Queen - the life of RuPaul.
And from the stage:
She Stoops to Conquer - the whacky adventures of a power-seeking prostitute who… well, stoops, if you know what I mean.
Sneakers: A scintillating documentary detailing the development of the athletic shoe.
Well, if you’re doing Broadway:
They’re Playing Our Song: A musical (ha!) based on the RIAA’s lawsuits against illegal music downloaders.
The Shining: A day in the life of a bootblack.
The Sixth Sense: Tedious scientific documentary focusing on the neurological distinction between tactile and kinesthetic sensations.
The Passion of the Christ: Exploitation flick about Jesus and Mary Magdalene. (Like The Last Temptation of Christ, but with less soul-searching and more skin.) John the Beloved Disciple joins in for some heavy sweaty bi-action!
The Deer Hunter: Essentially Bambi,* remade from the pov at the other end of the rifle, and with better songs.
Bye-Bye Birdie: How the American passenger pigeon was hunted to extinction.
Goodfellas: The wacky cutups of a high-spirited band of soup-kitchen volunteers.
All of the President’s Men: Sleazy tell-all biopic about James Buchanan.
Designing Women- a spinoff of Ira Levin’s Stepford Wives set around four robotics engineers and the women who they program to love them
Judging Amy- every week four friends meet to discuss the faults and vices of a never seen fifth friend, Amy
Gone With the Wind a heart rending documentary on the perils of mobile home parks
Kill Bill an adaptation of Hillary Clinton’s memoir focusing on her mood after learning of Monica Lewinsky
The Shawshank Redemption a man finally makes enough money to get his shawshank out of the pawn shop
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? a breakthrough in the art of audience participatory filmmaking
American Idol each week priests in red white and blue robes sacrifice a teenaged singer on an altar in front of Mt. Rushmore
Leave it to Beaver a documentary on the last will and testament of oil baron J. Howard Marshall
Greatest American Hero - a national televised contest to find the great submarine sandwich ever!
Dukes of Hazzard - two wacky British noblemen move to the rural United States; hilarity ensues.
**Family Affair ** - an HBO documentary looking into life in rural Alabama.
Deliverance - a day in the life of the UPS guy.
Reservoir Dogs - A pack of poodles piddles in our pond
Spider-Man: An exterminator’s business fails through an ill-advised move into overspecialization.
Batman: The adventures of a British military officer’s personal servant.
Superman: Tedious documentary about the philosophical system of Friedrich Nietzsche and its arguable influences on the intellectual aspects of 20th-Century European fascism.
The Quick and the Dead: an educational movie about the dangers of speeding on the highway.
Saturday Night Fever: a mother keeps her child company during a nocturnal illness.
Minority Report: the story of a social scientist trying to obtain data on Mexican immigrants.
Total Recall: the sequel to Beetlejuice, in which the product is taken out of the shops by court order, and a few company men have to hunt for the last remaining items.
The Lion in Winter- it’s December and Lion Country Safari is closing for Christmas. Will Frasier survive another cold spell as king of his pride? Will he continue to knock up young lionesses and get documentary deals, or has his time run out?
Dances With Wolves- when Grizzly Adams shows up to compete in the annual Dog Dancing competition, will his “back to nature” take on the sport be allowed?
Beauty and the Beast: Musical animated bestiality porn.
Mad TV: A “show,” such as it is, produced by a team of clinically insane TV executives, writers and performers. Quality of skits, etc., is highly variable, ranging from perplexing to incomprehensible. The miracle is that any episodes at all are aired, given that the director frequently calls filming to a halt and makes the whole cast, crew and live audience search the studio for Spiny Norman the Giant Masonic Illuminati Hedgehog.
Is it wrong that I would actually watch this?
Bzzzzt. Lose five points for not altering the premise.
Sounds more like Chick TV to me…
Unbreakable: a short comedic sketch about an office worker trying to open the packaging of his sandwich.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers: a rural town is plagued by a group of necrophiliacs raiding the local cemetary.
Rain Man: an explorer, captured by a native tribe, discovers an unexpected talent.
Blue Velvet: an upholsterer forgets to put a dot on an order and has to unload the resultant shipment of cloth on hesitant customers.
The Sting: a woman with a fatal allergy lives in continual fear of bees.
**Kill Bill Pt1: ** Experience a new bride’s frustrations as she attempts to set up an electricity auto-pay account for her new household. More utility futility promised for the sequel.
Land of the Lost a tearjerking documentary about a country home for Alzheimer’s patients.
Cool Hand Luke - Dr. Skywalker, Jedi Proctologist
The Thing - this movie is about something
Winnie-the-Pooh: Mrs. Mandela’s secret life as a coprophile.
Footloose - the tragic story about how excessive dancing causes feet to become disattached from ankles
Cheers - an independant film consisting entirely of people rooting for their favorite team
The Lord of the Rings - A story about the evil CEO of the corporation who holds a monopoly on the manufacture of wedding, class, and other types of rings.
Annie, Get your gun a girl named Annie must get out her firearm. But the anti-gun forces have put the gun in a locked case seperate from the ammo and secretly installed a trigger lock! What will she do?