Little things I can do to drive my wife nuts

[Sigmagirl]

@cat whisperer

those are all good, jjimm. I would add, always give vague answers to questions - “what would you like for dinner?” “food.” “where would you like to go for dinner?” “a restaurant.” “where would you like to go on vacation?” “someplace nice.”

stop getting answers from my husband

[Dogzilla]

@Marienee

Read over her shoulder.

Pick up the book she is working on from the place she has left it and start reading it from the beginning. If she objects, dog ear the page you are on and hand it to her.

Wait until she is on the third to the last page and then demand her attention for a trivial conversation.

Or just pick up the book and a bottle of white out and white out the last few paragraphs in the book.

[Ferret_Herder]

@EvilTOJ

Oops, I didn’t close the drawers all the way. Again.

Heh, I used to do that with kitchen cabinets. Drove him up the nearest wall. I realized finally that I was leaving them open a tad because I might need to get in there soon and didn’t want to close them if that was the case, and then would forget about it and leave the kitchen. Why was reopening them such a big deal? The house I grew up in (and lived in for 18 years) had kitchen cabinets that would often stick shut - it had latches that were tight and sometimes in hot weather/conditions the paint would even stick the doors shut and you’d have to really yank them open. :smack: Even my mom would leave the cabinets over the stove partially open.

[EvilTOJ]

That was a fight we actually got into fisticuffs about. I know it was a bad habit and I just couldn’t help it. That was one of the myriad of reasons we got divorced, btw. That’s also why I know all the amusing irritants of married life!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to leave about half as much toilet paper as needed to do one wipe left on the roll.

[Ferret_Herder]

@EvilTOJ

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to leave about half as much toilet paper as needed to do one wipe left on the roll.

Is it the last roll within reach, too? 'Cause that might be grounds for a no-fault divorce in some areas.

[Cat_Whisperer]

We’ve solved the leave a little bit on the roll problem; the person who changes the roll gets to choose the orientation.

[Nefarious_Chipmunk]

Offer to “clean the kitchen”. Do all the dishes EXCEPT the largest, most awkward pot/bowl. Leave that in the sink to “soak”. Do not: wipe the counters, wipe the table, wipe the stove or in anyway clean anything else in the kitchen except the previously mentioned dishes.

Offer to “clean the bathroom”. Quickly swish a toilet brush around the inside of the toilet. Do not: clean any part of the outside of the toilet, especially the edge of the bowl under the seat, wipe the counters, remove any hair, scrub or clean the tub, sweep/mop the floor or take out the trash.

The beauty of these is that she can’t get mad, you’re helping!

[The_Devil_s_Grandmother]

@foolscap

Buy her flowers or a present for no reason at all.

Or, combine this advice with Moonlitherial’s “become the perfect husband” advice and she’ll drive herself insane looking for evidence you’re cheating. You can be Iago and Othello in one!

[Rafe_Hollister]

Start banging one or two of her friends. I’ve heard some women can find that annoying.

[teela_brown]

@Ferret_Herder

Heh, I used to do that with kitchen cabinets. Drove him up the nearest wall. I realized finally that I was leaving them open a tad because I might need to get in there soon and didn’t want to close them if that was the case, and then would forget about it and leave the kitchen. Why was reopening them such a big deal? The house I grew up in (and lived in for 18 years) had kitchen cabinets that would often stick shut - it had latches that were tight and sometimes in hot weather/conditions the paint would even stick the doors shut and you’d have to really yank them open. :smack: Even my mom would leave the cabinets over the stove partially open.

I have cheapy cabinets that’ll close with a bang unless you keep ahold of them all the time you’re closing them. I do a lot of work in the kitchen before my husband gets up, so I got into the habit of not closing them all the way so as to avoid waking him up with banging noises early in the a.m. However, I forget to go back and close them all the way once he’s awake.

I figure I’ll channel this into a request for nice new cabinets with that nifty new technology that lets them “drift” slowly into a quiet close.

[Ferret_Herder]

@Ferret_Herder

Is it the last roll within reach, too? 'Cause that might be grounds for a no-fault divorce in some areas.

I meant a divorce showing fault, that is, to leave a tiny bit of TP and no new rolls in reach. I was thinking along the lines of “no jury would convict her…” at first, but decided that might be just a tad over the top.

[Perciful]

@heraldgwena

Offer to “clean the kitchen”. Do all the dishes EXCEPT the largest, most awkward pot/bowl. Leave that in the sink to “soak”. Do not: wipe the counters, wipe the table, wipe the stove or in anyway clean anything else in the kitchen except the previously mentioned dishes.

Offer to “clean the bathroom”. Quickly swish a toilet brush around the inside of the toilet. Do not: clean any part of the outside of the toilet, especially the edge of the bowl under the seat, wipe the counters, remove any hair, scrub or clean the tub, sweep/mop the floor or take out the trash.

The beauty of these is that she can’t get mad, you’re helping!

I had a passive agressive boyfriend that did that. They want you to tell them that’s alright I’ll just do it myself. It made me mad.

The other thing that drove me nuts was when he did one small thing and wanted praise for it and half the time he had to point it out to me. I emptied the trash… didn’t you notice hon?

[may_be_ignorant]

When my dad eats a bowl of ice cream, he scrapes the bottom of the glass bowl in order to scoop of the tiny amounts left. You, know, the kinda melted fine coat of ice cream that is always left on the bowl? He does it for like half an hour, and it makes this annoying clicking-clanging sound. Drives my mom insane.

[Frodo]

1. Exist. It usually does the trick.

2. When asked “Can you do X?”(The dishes, cleaning something, take the dog for a walk, etc) answer “yes” and do nothing. (she didnt ask you to do it, she only asked if you could do it).

[Enright3]

@mnemosyne

I’ve only been with my husband for 10 years (married for 5), but this does drive me crazy. We’ll be getting ready to go somewhere, and I’m by the door and waiting…and waiting…and he’s still in the bedroom. Finally “what are you doing, let’s GO!”

“I’m cutting my toenails!”

:smack: “NOW?!?”
Also, he’ll rearrange the dishwasher. Apparently the way I place certain things in the only space they fit isn’t good enough.

DANGERDANGER**
This could result in the wife saying: “you you’re so much better at it than I am, then you can do it all the time!”

[Enright3]

I try to be a bit more subtle. When amongst friends recently my wife let it slip how much she hates it that the pictures in our bathroom always seem to be slight crooked. heh heh heh I wonder how that happened?

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Frodo

<snip>
2) When asked “Can you do X?”(The dishes, cleaning something, take the dog for a walk, etc) answer “yes” and do nothing. (she didnt ask you to do it, she only asked if you could do it).

I like to think I’m a patient person, but my patience with that little bit of idiocy would be about zero. That reminds me of all the times we have threads here where people talk about the funny things they say, when they’re actually just being dicks (usually to waitresses).

[Mtgman]

Laugh at “Prince Valiant”.

Wind the vacuum cleaner cord the opposite way she does(if you don’t actually vacuum it will get extra bonus annoying points).

Tear off the label from three random cans of stuff in the pantry and pretend they were damaged when you were rummaging for a snack.

Hum/whistle songs you know are her worst earworms, but only the hooks of the song.

Put the wrong lids on the markers for the whiteboard.

Take notes/messages with a yellow highlighter marker on yellow post-it notes.

If you’re a plumber, never, ever, fix a sink/toilet/shower. Similar guidance for electricians, carpenters, computer service techs, etc.

Enjoy,
Steven

[Frodo]

@Cat_Whisperer

I like to think I’m a patient person, but my patience with that little bit of idiocy would be about zero. That reminds me of all the times we have threads here where people talk about the funny things they say, when they’re actually just being dicks (usually to waitresses).

Being a dick can infuriate your wife like nothing else!

[Wile_E]

Some things my SO does, fortunately he only stays over a couple days out of the week.

1. if you have plastic containers to keep things fresh or ant free be sure to never put the top on tightly so it completely defeats the purpose of having these things in special containers.

2. sweep the floor but leave all the sweeping in multiple piles around the house, don’t actually pick anything up. Be sure to point out how you help out by cleaning the floor.

3. bring home food then leave the garbage in the takeout bag and hang it on the end of the couch where she won’t see it for several days.

4. fart then say “phew!* Whoops!” and try futiley to wave it away. Be sure to make a big deal out of every fart.