My SIL, as I have mentioned in other posts, is broke and disabled. She cannot take care of her home, laundry, shopping, any sort of transportation (including doctor visits) or general household duties (including the care of six cats). Her paramour died in October, and left her a $10K life insurance policy, most of which went toward his final arrangements. She’ll be 62 next week, and will be eligible for social security. She owns a townhome.
She has children who live about 60 miles away (and have their own businesses and/or families). There are three siblings (my husband and two sisters) and a niece and BIL in the area. It is not only difficult for some of us to get to her home to take care of everything, but the general concensus is that her children should be helping her out in her hour of need. Now I understand that if they aren’t willing to do it, someone needs to. But it appears no one is stepping up to the plate.
Mr. K and I were discussing the situation, and we thought one option might be that she get a “roommate.” She has a room in her townhome that has its own entrance. This person, theoretically anyway, would live there for either a very reduced rate or for free, but as an employee. This person would take care of all the household duties such as floors, laundry, shopping, kitty boxes, and driving her to the doctor (she’s basically agoraphoric and has little to no interest in going out of her home for any reason).
I know times are hard out there. and I also know that apartments, and even rooms to rent, are very expensive (Suburban Chicago). If she were to look at renting the room at an extremely reduced rate (say $200-$300/mo.) plus contract with that individual to take care of the household duties (most of which they’d have to do anyway), does this sound like something people would be interested in? Of course, we’d hire a firm to do a background check, and would expect that the person would be employed at least part-time, as she really has no way of paying anyone for the amount of care she needs.
We’re just looking for opinions as to the feasibility and likelihood of her finding someone who would find this to be a win/win situation. Any opinions?
Ummm, you have a strange definition for “roommate”… I think you’re confusing “roommate” (someone sharing expenses, caring for him/herself) with “caregiver” (someone essentially providing care and responsibilities of someone not capable of doing it for him/herself… not necessarily having to live on premises, but spending a good amt of time there nonetheless).
Wow! quite honestly, I think you should prepare yourself for large doses of reality! Given what you’d expect from this person/Caregiver --let’s call it what it is–you should NOT expect them to pay you anything, the funds would go one direction–to him or her for the extensive responsibilities he or she will have to take on. Not only should you offer a free room and board, a salary, but should expect this person to have ADDITIONAL employment outside of the stressful, potentially emotionally draining employment caring for this elderly person, cleaning her home, driver, caring for several cats, etc. Are you also expecting this person to cook for her? make sure she takes her meds as prescribed? There’s really a great deal involved… and you may be surprised at the lack of response if you don’t change your criteria.
We’re just looking for opinions as to the feasibility and likelihood of her finding someone who would find this to be a win/win situation. Any opinions?
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…Not only should you offer a free room and board, a salary, but should NOT expect this person to have ADDITIONAL employment outside of the stressful, potentially emotionally draining employment caring for this elderly person, cleaning her home, driver, caring for several cats, etc. Are you also expecting this person to cook for her? make sure she takes her meds as prescribed? There’s really a great deal involved… and you may be surprised at the lack of response if you don’t change your criteria.
Which is why I put the word “roommate” in quotes. This person would have to do all of the housework and in return for the reduction in rent, would also have other responsibilities. That would be the equivalent of pay. In this area, a room for rent goes for around $400/month, plus utilities.
I should have clarified that the extra work does not include personal care, i.e., bathing, medical care or cooking. The actual time spent doing things solely for my SIL (including taking over her half of the basic housework, shopping, laundry and kitty care) would probably only be around 3-4 hours per week.
I’d have to agree, I think you are expecting a lot, just for a free room.
You say she spent most of the 10K insurance on “final arrangements”, that seems ill advised if she’s facing financial difficulties. I understand grief and the guiit (real or implied) it sometimes carries, but if that’s typical of her financial decisions then she may need some guidance there also.
How about her children chipping in a few bucks a month, then, w/ or w/o the free room you might be able to hire someone to come in 3 to five days a week.
If money is a serious problem there are programs that provide part time, maybe 2 or 3 visits a week to help w/ cleaning and Dr, visits.
Six cats might be a deal breaker also, maybe she could settle for one or two.
I should say she spent a good chunk on final arrangements. She still has a few thousand, and that money evidently has made her ineligible for services, such as house cleaning.
Yes, we’re trying to get her to give at least a couple of the cats away, however, she’s being very stubborn about it. We can also get some help financially from her children, but I don’t think she wants to do that. There might be some guilt issues going on there. She left them with her ex when they were young teenagers. The one son has told her she can come live with him (including the cats), but she doesn’t seem to be interested in the offer. I know…it’s a fucked up deal. That’s why we’re trying to find a situation that will allow her to keep her place. It’s not a good situation at all, and I’m just trying to get a feel for the feasibility of a set-up like this. I know there are a lot of people who can’t swing rent on their own and thought trading work for a discount would be appealing.
If I were looking for a room to rent and my choices were $400 + maybe another $100 utilities, with my only responsibility being to clean up after myself, or half that with cleaning, shopping, laundry and pet care for an entire household, I’d choose the former. Driving duties mean taking time off of my job and losing pay, as well as potentially angering my bosses because of the inconvienence? There goes your cost savings right there.
You may think it’s only a few hours per week, maybe I’m a slower housecleaner/pet sitter/chauffer than that, if it takes longer then what? One doctor appointment can take 3 hours, what if she needs to see a specialist twenty miles away in heavy traffic, what if there’s a wait? Count in time spent traveling to the drugstore to fill scripts, I don’t see where 3-4 hours weekly is even possible for the potential responsibilities you’re describing.
So, room and play servant to an elderly, disabled crazy cat lady, in a home where I likely won’t be able to have friends over, my boyfriend can’t sleep over, can’t play my crazy rock music too loud, etc. All this for a cost savings of maybe $200 per month and a conservative estimate of 5 hours work per week, wow that’s an hourly rate of $10 tax free, except of course for the gas I’m burning running errands for someone else.
It might work with family, is there a teenaged neice or nephew so itchy to get out of the house they’d be willing?
The doctor’s appointments are not very frequent, and those can probably be covered by family members for the most part. And the housework estimate is probably pretty accurate, as it is a very small place, and she’s taken out all the carpeting (due to allergies and…you guessed it…the cats). So it would be basically sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning the bathroom, and the laundry. I don’t want to minimize the work involved and I hope it’s not coming off that way. But for a person that doesn’t make enough to afford their own place, it would help them to make ends meet. And it may end up that she would have to offer the room for free. I’m just trying to get a feel for it before I suggest it to her.
No young nieces or nephews. The one niece is in her mid-thirties and unemployed, but has no interest in helping out on a regular basis.
She was pretty wild in her day (very wild, actually). Sleepovers with the boyfriend and music (within reason) won’t be an issue as long as the guy isn’t creepy or anything. Her deceased paramour was actually her blood uncle. Needless to say, she tends to lean toward the liberal end of the spectrum.
I really do sympathize with your situation and admire your sense of compassion.
Perhaps you can contact area colleges, head of Sociology or Psych departments and let them know what you need, perhaps they can consider a student’s aide as an Internship… maybe that student could save money for school loans by living onsite, etc.
Contact Churches, seek their advice…you don’t have to be a member. Who knows, they may be able to recommend someone through their networks.
I think there are several organizations offering resources to Caregivers, even if you’re not going to be that person, you could gain insight from others, better informed on caregiving.
Is she on Medicare? If so, as someone else mentioned, she might qualify for regular visits from nurse aides… if her health impedes her ability to care for herself in any way, have her Doc submit the papers for that type of assistance.
Back in the '70’s our neighbor had what was called in our neighborhood a “summer girl”. Those were young women who would live in (especially during the summer) and provide childcare. Our stay-at-home neighbor had three school-aged children. She (the mom) was home most of the time and did most of the cleaning and cooking. Her summer girl was provided her own suite within the home, meals, college tuition to the University of Minnesota, and $200/wk. While it’s true the neighbor was a millionaire, but it doesn’t change that the live-in help not only had free room and board but also financial remuneration.
The student aid idea looks interesting. Or even an older person who might be in the same financial situation she’s in, but without the health issues. She will qualify for Medicare later this month. We’re hoping that will help as well. I guess Catholic charities was supposed to call her a couple weeks ago. As I said, she had too much money for one of the organizations to offer assistance. Not sure if it was them or not.
I’ve seen just about identical positions advertised in the want ads before, and the incentives are always “free room plus $150-250wk”. I don’t think you’d want the type of person who would consider paying for the room to be a sound arrangement. That person would most definitely have to have another job to afford their rent, which would defeat the purpose of having someone living in to always be there to help when needed.
As I said in my earlier post, she doesn’t need someone there every minute of the day. It would not require all a person’s time, and a part-time or full-time job would be necessary, as my SIL cannot afford to pay a FT salary to this person. The time spent assisting would probably only be 3-4 hours per week, occasionally more for doctor visits (though the family will be able to handle most of those as well). For that reason, it would be necessary for that person to have additional income. This is not a full-time LPN kind of situation.
If this is an elderly woman in need of assistance to stay in her own home, and it sounds like it is. Then you need to recognise this journey only goes one way, she’s not going to get more able, she’s going to get less able. More elderly, more infirm, more drs appointments, more meds to run out for, more care needed.
Another retiree could easily have an accident in your home, you should be aware that agencies that send caregivers into your home carry extensive insurance policies for just such reasons. Anyone who has to hold another job/attend school will be out of the home a considerable amount of time, defeating the purpose of having someone ‘there’.
This sounds like a full time job to me. And Murphy’s law rules, should she take a fall, have an episode, need urgent care, I promise it will be while they are at school or work.
I’d think really hard about this arrangement if I were you.
She’s 62. While I realize this is a downhill slope (as it is for all of us), it is not a full time job by any stretch of the imagination. Not at this point, anyway. She does her own cooking, dishes, bathroom necessities, medicine, etc. She can’t navigate the stairs to haul her own laundry to and fro. That would probably be 2 loads per week, if that. She can fold it herself. She is having a difficult time bending over to scoop the kitty boxes, so she needs help with that. She has muscle pain and cannot be on her feet for long periods of time, so she needs someone to sweep and mop the floor and clean the bathroom. She doesn’t drive, so she needs someone to do her grocery runs, maybe once a week. She rarely goes to the doctor, so she may need someone to take her once every couple months. This will only amount to 3-4 hours per week, excluding the doctor visits. This is not a big deal. She just needs someone who is available to do these things for her.
Boy, it seems like everyone here wants to make this into a full time job.
I don’t have any experience with anything like this, but it also wasn’t all that long ago that I was a starving college student. I would have jumped at the chance to rent a place at a reduced rate and only have to do 3 or 4 hours of easy work a week in exchange. So maybe that’s the way you need to go? Look for older students, maybe grad students, who would think this was a good deal.
The other option might be an older person who didn’t have a lot of money. Not all senior citizens have the means to live nicely, and someone like that might work out well. I might check with churches around the area and see if there’s anyone in need of housing they can recommend.
My take? You won’t find someone off the street to do this. Anyone who would do it for a stranger is probably someone you don’t want, and the potential for misundertandings about responsiblities are legion.
You need a co-worker’s daughter who is in college, or your husband’s best friend’s MIL who was recently widowed and is losing her house. You need someone that someone already has a connection to, that you have well established ways to communicate with, because there are going to be LOTS of nuanced things that need to be communicated. This isn’t a professional relationship you want to set up, it’s a familial relationship.
I just got off the phone with her and she’s got such a defeatist attitude that I could just scream. She can’t get to the doctor because she can’t get into a vehicle. She has too much money to qualify for a nursing home. She doesn’t want to get rid of the two fucking cats who are so fucked up that they live in the closet full time. She can get Soc Sec, but not Medicare until she’s 65. Her sons can’t come help her during the day. She can’t walk to the parking lot. A car is too low, a van is too high. Who would want to live with all her cats? Jesus fucking christ but I don’t know what else to do!
I think she’s going to lay in that bed and die. I really do.
there are self-cleaning litter boxes on the market, that could aleviate her biggest cleaning concern: Littermaid LM900 Self Cleaning Cat Litter Box. A little pricey but overall the best investment for her needs. Do a quick Google search and get info.
If you don’t consider this as an option (I certainly would!!), then please please keep in mind that I have 3 indoor cats and the litter box MUST be cleaned TWICE a day, otherwise it’s unsanitary for the cats to continue to step into it, walk around the house as usual, get petted or carried by their owner or caregiver/ both really.
The situation has been described fairly thoroughly and I’m of the opinion that the OP is
underestimating the responsibilities of the job and being too optimistic about finding a
responsible person willing to do it.
I’d suggest that the OP pursue finding applicants for the position and I’m almost certain
that it will soon become apparent that the majority of posters are closer to the mark
than the OP.
Good luck.