Does living together, or separately, before marraige have any effect on the long term success of a relationship?
I know that it seems rare for a couple to actually wait for marraige to cohabit, so maybe this is an impossible question.
Peace,
mangeorge
Several studies have shown a higher divorce rate for people that lived together prior to marriage. Google “cohabitation statistics” for more info.
Well if you want MHO, and it seems that you do in this forum, I think that it depends entirely on what you expect out of the relationship when you decide to move in together.
Are you planning on marriage or already engaged? Your minds are made up, so why not discover what kinds of adjustments you’ll need to make after you get married? All of this assuming of course that you don’t think that getting married is going to be a problem solving manuever of sorts.
Are you testing the waters? I can see this leading to a higher divorce rate because after awhile many people are going to start asking, “Where is this going?” If you don’t want to break up, there might be pressure to get married when you don’t want to.
Did you do it out of convenience? Was someone’s lease up or someone made a move to the SO’s city? This seems like it could accidently segue or run concurrently with the “testing the waters” group and they would likely face similar problems.
Are people who don’t live together before marriage less likely to get divorced because of strong religious convictions? I think that this might also be the case.
Everyone has different relationship expectations. I think that groups 2 and 3 are likely the reason that there is a higher divorce rater for people that lived together prior to marriage. That’s just MHO though. I’m really interested to see what other posters have to say.
I think it’s clear that if the couple aren’t living, either together or separately, before the marriage, it’s not going to be a very successful relationship. Unless they’re necrophiliacs. 
But seriously, folks, the question was last addressed in this thread:
Living together before marriage increases chances of divorce? True or false?
I’m not getting married, nor am I cohabiting.
I have teenage three grandkids, and I prefer to have fairly solid answers to thier questions.
Thanks for the links.
This is just my opinion, but this is the forum for it:
A couple that cohabitates has a vested interest in the cohabitation that biases their judgement regarding relationship issues.
To put it in simpler terms, if you discover something during about your partner during cohabitation that bothers you, you’re more likely to adjust to it or tolerate it because you don’t want to have to pack up your crap and move or break the lease on the apartment. Then ten or twenty years later, you wonder why you missed the warning signs.
If you discovered the same irritant while you were dating, but living seperately, you’re more likely to evaluate it at face value and consider it’s impact on the long-term relationship. It you consider it a deal-breaker, it’s easier to move on.
I am of the solid opinion that living with your partner prior to getting married is a necessity. It allows a couple to learn about one another, bond a little closer, sleep and feel the warmth of one another on a daily basis. I do not denounce not living together for religious reasons. But IMHO living together has many more pros than cons. Also, wouldn’t it be nice to know your SO farts under the covers at 5:30am every day before your wedding night? 
In my case with Mrs.P we dated and lived separately for 1 year, then moved in together then got married a couple years later…
I am also of the solid opinion that you have to live with one another to get to know each other. You do not know someone, really, until you’ve seen them at 6 AM, cranky. And then you also know things like - do they clean? Do they do chores? Stuff like that.
whether a relationship is long term or not depends on the mentality of the couple.
compare two person who is presumably trying out a relationship (with all the implication that the option to breakup will be on the first page if the one you love is not a perfect fit) vs a couple who will dive right in and try to make things work, with divorce as a last resort.
this is of course a generalisation; not everyone who cohabits takes it lightly, while not everyone who takes marriage vows, does so literally.
Very well put, and I agree strongly with this. I feel like cohabitation artificially inflates the commitment level of the relationship; if you’re not engaged or married, you should be free to break up with someone without having to face a major financial shakeup or even homelessness as a result.
Artificially inflates the commitment level? There is nothing artificial about it. Living together naturally brings two people closer. Just because you are dating someone, doesn’t mean you have to immediately move in with them. If you begin to get the sense that this relationship may turn into something bigger and more meaningful than simple dating, and if you feel like you would like to live with your partner before an engagement or marriage then it would be a natural progression to move in with one another, no?
It is about being responsible to yourself and your lover, and respecting each other’s values when you move in with your mate. What Autumn seems to be saying appears to be for people who are not ready to move in with one another yet do it anyway. Thus the responsibility issues.
I had a friend who dated a girl for two years.
They had that kind of luvy-duvy relationship that makes most people want to puke.
They moved in together and just shy of two months they broke up and never spoke to each other again.
This is an extreme example but it re-enforces my belief that you should “Kick the tires” before you buy the car.
But of course I’m a Godless Atheist so YMMV.
Not sure, but after 21 years I’m thinking living separately might be just what our marriage needs…
This is a key point that I left out of my post. I should have said, “A couple that cohabitates without spending a lot of time getting to know each other first …”
When a couple does this, the things they find out during the cohabitation are evaluated differently.
Exactly, if they waited to be married then moved in they would have been SOL.
Heh, I’ve had the feeling once or twice. Guys weekends away help some…Wanna go fishing in Maine some time? LOL!!
I’ve never seen this used without irony on the SDMB.
/hijack
I’m about to move in with my BF at the end of this month so wish me luck.
I knew a couple in college who were so worried by the “omg living together before marriage increases the divorce rate!” talk that they went out of their way to do some overly-complicated thing where their separate leases had expired at the same time, they went and moved in with separate friends/relatives/something for a month and stored their stuff in various places, got married at the end of that month, and then moved in together. Yes, it was definitely the fear of causing a divorce because of living together for a whole month (gasp) when they were getting married a month later; they said that. It wasn’t a “living in sin” thing and they’d been having sex for years as well. I wonder how much less stress they would have had if they’d had some confidence in the strength of their relationship being able to bear whatever “damage” a month together would have done, versus having to move two sets of furnishings, twice, a month apart as well as get married at the end of that month, etc.
My husband and I lived together for a few years (after dating for a few years as well) and were happy with that; we figured out each other’s quirks and learned how to be roommates with each other. We got married because his family was pushing him and we figured what the heck. Recently we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. 
So IMO you don’t even have to be committed to the sanctity of marriage or anything for a marriage to succeed, living together beforehand or not - I think the important part is your commitment to your partner and your relationship. We’re best friends and love each other deeply.
I see that a number of posters have equated this with a divorce. Having grown up in the 60s and 70s as a Mormon, and then living in Japan where divorce is not as common, I’ve seen far too many extremely unhappy marriages which have not ended in divorce. I don’t take that to be any sign of a successful relationship.
No, I would not consider an unhappy relationship to be a successful one. Not at all.
Exactly, and if only the divorce rate is being looked at, it’s meaningless to simply compare nujmbers. When societies don’t readily permit or accept divorces, then you get a higher percentage of people living in unhappy marriages. Allowing or permitting divorces releases pent up unhappiness to be acted on. Not all divorces are like that, of course, but you can see this happen in Japan.