The Downside of Cohabitating Before Marriage

The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage

There’s been a lot of discussion of the pros and cons of this, and there is apparently data showing that cohabiters are less successful at marriage than others. I’ve always assumed that this was in large part a selection issue - the people who are predisposed to cohabit tend to be those who are more likely to divorce, and I still think this is probably part of the issue. But this article raised an interesting new angle that I had not considered.

Essentially what this boils down to is that the concept of cohabitation breaks down the marriage decision into two parts, and thus increases the likelihood of the decision being made irrationally. If someone decides from scratch “do I want to marry this person?” when that person is not living with them, it takes more for them to decide to go ahead than either “do I want to move in with this person?” or “do I want to marry this person?” once they are already cohabiting. Thus the likelihood of an incompatible marriage is increased. (Worth reading the article rather than relying on this summary, though.)

Intriguing thought.

Makes sense. Descision to live with someone::more temporary less permanent. Decision to marry someone::more permanent less temporary. But deciding to marry someone that you’ve been living with for several years, may not carry that same amount of permanance in the decision process, actually may be less of a decision and seem like the next step in the relationship. So after you’ve done it, you may realize buyer’s remorse more easily.

I fail to see a problem, myself. I don’t know why a marriage that ends in death is supposedly better than one that ends in divorce.

Agreed. Which is why I never think a high divorce is a sign of a bad culture. I see it as a sign that too manny couples are rushing into marriage without thinking it through. I mean, the alternative is for people to stay in unhappy marriages, and whom does that help?

Not arguing your point about people staying in unhappy marriages, but people being more thoughtful before they decide to get married isn’t a bad thing if it results in fewer divorces. Divorces are hard on all of the people involved.

It’s not necessarily thoughtfulness. There’s a good chance if someone is from a culture that frowns on cohabitation, that same culture also frowns on divorce. Hence you have people going mostly blind into marriages they cannot then escape.

But without a bit of cohabitation, aren’t you doing more guessing than thinking?

No.

Close to 100% of marriages that end in divorce involve at least one of the parties being very unhappy in that marriage. A much higher percentage of marriages that end in death involve both parties being happy with the marriage. (They may not be happy about the death, but that’s another issue. :)) Ergo, it would follow that a higher divorce rate is an indication of less marital satisfaction (absent the selection issue mentioned in the OP and article).

There are “downsides” to cohabitation and there are “upsides.” So, the variables of every situation probably prevent a universal rule or even guideline.

I’d have to see some evidence for these claims, and even then, they’re suspiciously useless, like saying “people who eat chocolate every day for ten years like chocolate.” Well, duh… if they didn’t like chocolate they would have stopped after their first few tastes.

To be remotely fair, you’d have to compile a “marriage happiness index” from a time or a culture (or both) where divorce is rare, thus the ability to stop eating chocolate if one doesn’t like it, doesn’t exist.

Cite?

If individual happiness/unhappiness were the only motivator in marriage and in divorce, I’d take your statement as a given.

Sure. I’m not arguing for no cohabitation. I’m saying people should put more thought into the decision before getting married. It just so happens that people that live together appear to put less thought into it than those that don’t.

So? What’s it to you?

No cite. I thought it was obvious. Do you disagree? And if so, why do you think all these people in happy marriages are getting divorced?

My understanding from Indian coworkers in arranged marriages is that those marriage don’t tend to end in divorce. They are different from love matches though. Your mother has thoughtfully chosen a spouse for you, possibly putting much more thought into it than when you shack up with someone…but the expectations for marriage are also very different…and it’s that happiness issue…

Removing divorce as an option doesn’t make marriages happier, though, so the observation is useless.

No one is discussing removing divorce as an option. We are discussing whether divorce rates when divorce is already an option are an indicator of marital satisfaction.

Haven’t you go it backwards, though? Marital dissatisfaction gets expressed as divorce, where divorce is available. If divorce is removed, marital dissatisfaction doesn’t change - it just sits there and seethes for years longer than necessary.
I suppose being resigned to a crappy inescapable marriage is a kind of “satisfaction” …

Why do you keep talking about divorce being removed? Divorce is not being removed. Divorce is an option. Since marital dissatisfaction is the major cause of divorce, divorce rates are an indicator of marital dissatisfaction.

Umbrellas don’t cause rain, but if you look out and see a lot of people with umbrellas up, chances are pretty good that it’s raining.

Well, because that’s how experiments (even thought experiments) are done. If you want to weigh the impact of something, consider what would happen if it didn’t exist.

“Gee, I wonder if my daily sessions of hitting myself in the nuts with a ball-peen hammer are related to my allergy to shellfish? Let’s consider what might happen if I wasn’t having daily sessions of hitting myself in the nuts with a ball-peen hammer and proceed from there.”

Okay, if we compare divorce rates from year to year and see a significant drop (or a significant rise), we could argue that marital satisfaction is trending up (or down), as long as all else remains equal (i.e. during this period, divorce is not becoming significantly harder or easier to get).

Yes, but the rain is going to happen whether people have umbrellas or not.

But anyway, let’s say people who get divorced are indeed less satisfied in their marriages than people who don’t get divorced. How this is anything more than a “duh” continues to elude me.