I have a unique marital situation–my husband of two years just recently began some additional schooling past his bachelor’s degree. The problem is that his school is several hours away from our home, and for financial reasons we decided it would be better for me to stay in our current house, while he temporarily moved away to go to school.
We have been dealing with this separation fairly well, up until about a week ago when he suddenly told me that I was not working on this relationship the way I should be. To make a long story short he was upset that we had been playing phone tag for three days. So the next day he called me several times so we could “chat”. Thinking this was what he wanted, the day after that I called him several times and at the end of the day he told me that I was ridiculous for calling him that much.
So then I tried email–and that also upset him. Then I agree to meet him in a town halfway between our locations and now he’s trying to make it sound like he’s going only as a favor to me, when he’s the one who indicated we weren’t in contact as much as he would like.
He has REALLY been a jerk about this, and I’m having problems figuring out what’s really going on. We normally have a very open and wonderful relationship, and this is just not at all like him. I’m unsure how to handle this–I don’t know whether to get upset and have it out with him or to baby and coddle him. Any advice?
Sorry that you are having this situation, it sounds like it stinks.
I bet he is just missing you, though, and his bad attitude has more to do with him being upset with himself than it has to do with him being upset with you.
I’m sure everything will turn out for the best, although giving him a kick in the butt might do wonders.
You have legitimate concerns and he needs to be aware of how you are feeling. He may (and most likely does) have a completely different perception of what has transpired over the last few days.
Breezy nailed it too. I tend to get cranky when I’m away from the family and it occasionally surfaces as frustration (always immediately followed by a sincere apology, of course :)).
I’m in a similar situation - my husband got a job 800 miles away - it was too good an offer to turn down, so we decided I’d stay put with our daughter till she graduated high school (May '04) then I’d join him. We’ve gotten together at least twice a month since he left in July, and I have tickets for two more flights to see him, plus plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
In our case, the biggest problem is his loneliness. This is the first time he’s had to live alone and it’s hard on him. In addition, the job turned out not to be as great as promised, so that stress is on top of the separation. We talk on IM and on the phone, but it’s still hard.
We’re approaching our 19th anniversary, and I don’t know how much of a difference it makes. My unprofessional opinion, based on what I’ve experienced, is that your husband could be stressed and lonely and he’s taking that frustration out on you. All I can suggest is that you two get together and talk about everything - plans, expectations, problems, anything that you think is important.
I wish I could offer you a magic answer, but I’m struggling also. I get through it by focusing on the long-term goal, and planning for the short-term visits. And buying lottery tickets.
My husband and I had to spend most of a year apart when I finished graduate school a year before he did and I went a few thousand miles away to start my first job. One thing we did was to limit calls to once a day, always at the same time, and first thing in the morning. We found that by starting the day with the call we were both at our best and less likely to have things drift into melancholy and pointless arguments. It also eliminates phone tag.
Good luck. It wasn’t fun, but we made it through. We were surprised to find that many couples in long-term marriages went through some kind of separation at some point.
