I was going to post to the grandfathers thread but I felt a bit shy of spilling grief all over a thread of people’s memories so at least this way I can be self-effacing and not muck up something beautiful.
My paternal grandmother (Nan) died last week. She and I were not especially close. I guess I did love her but I did not know her well. We saw her every few years when I was a child. She didn’t really approve of my adult life (er, this will sound funny, but she was still labouring under the impression that girls didn’t ought to go to university and get ideas in their heads.) But she was a good person and she did make an effort to get to know me as an adult when we had the chance a few years ago.
Right now what’s really tearing me up is this: My maternal grandmother (Granny) whom I was very, very close to died a little under two years ago. I am now living in the states, and unfortunately with not enough time or disposable income that I could go home to Australia for her funeral. And now I definitely can’t get home for Nan’s funeral either. And my father, her son, is now living in British Columbia, he got to say goodbye to her on the phone.
I’m not really homesick per se, I love where I live, I have a great life here and it’s really home. I just feel torn apart that I couldn’t get home to say goodbye to Granny particularly, but also to Nan. I feel just rotten about that. And worried about Dad even though he’s the type not to ever talk about how something like that effects him. And I feel cut off from even doing the normal grieving things with my family. I mean it’s absurd but I am jealous of the family that got together for Granny’s funeral. I should have been there. I feel like I can’t finish that grieving, and I feel guilty that I am grieving again for Granny now as well as for Nan. I know I wasn’t close to Nan but everyone deserves to be mourned well. I know it’s absurd to try and categorise those feelings too but it’s all part of the tangle.
Anyway this is probably suitably mundane. I thought I’d have time to have a good cry about it all this weekend but it wouldn’t come out until I was reading various threads this morning and now I have to shape up and go to work. Go figure.