Dave…you passed Double Secret First Test C47: You’ve been accepted by the Chief.
The second test will be administered by PurpleCrackWhore. Have you had a physical lately?
Welcome to the motley crew, Zumba and djwalker.
I was going to try my usual riff about newbie initiations; whips, chains, turning over all your worldly goods to the cult (I’ll send you my…the PO Box), the orgy, the traumatized goat, etc.
But somehow you seem to have found your feet right off. Heck, just a few posts and you have Chief Scott and cohorts engaged in strip poker.
The signs are very, very positive.
Veb
** Nilvedman ** since Zumba The Cat turned out to be female, it shall be your mission to grovel at my feet, agree with everything I say and adore me. You may begin now.
Let me guess…she’s not a doctor, but she plays one on TV?
Holy s—!!!My dad says the same exact thing!!! Not so bad except it rubbed off on me, I said it to my boss and damn near lost my job. (I later quit, but that’s beside the point!)
Anyway, welcome from a fellow newbie. Have fun. And, in case you haven’t heard, don’t be a jerk.
I may regret this … but Ayesha … I never got my test either. Perhaps this is why I seem invisible to most Dopers. If I take the test, will I be accepted to the secret ranks?
Now? But I wanted to start so long ago! (How’s that for a start?)
Nilvedman, groveler at the feet of Ayesha
Is that Senior NCO’s in all the branches of the military used to be Ghods. These days, alas that is no longer true, as the military grows ever more top heavy, the proper methods of making the military run efficiently are being lost.
As an aside…an old military joke. (This is a version I found on the net.)
2ND LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.
1ST LIEUTENANT:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to walls.
CAPTAIN
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.
MAJOR
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.
LT. COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a DA-4187 request form is approved.
COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.
GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.
CHIEF and SERGEANT MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.
I do admit this isn’t the one I remember though, since that one I’m pretty sure also used the enlisted ranks.
Persephone –
That wasn’t* a branding iron…
You’ve got nothing to worry about.
They’re SHOOTING at me!!
Happens all the time, though. . .
Geez, do I have to do everything here ?
** Brunetter,** here is your test, you have to reply to each of Coldfire’s posts and call him Coldy baby in each reply for 3 days. And you may not tell him why.
And you ** djwalker ** since you have chosen not to post smilies to ChiefScott, you must now add Ayesha is a Godess, I worship her to your sig and leave it there for 3 days.
** That is all ** Someone else has to take over the testing now, I’m tired.
See dj?
See how easy it was to not listen to Ayesha?
We’ll make a LIONsob outta you yet.
If you let the ladies walk all over you, you’ll just pay more at the cleaners.
Plus, they really like it wink, wink when you verbally and publicly disobey their “orders.” They love it! It gets them all flushed and hot and moist and trembley and…
I’ll be in the shower.
Man, here i was at Daniel’s party and everything and nobody ever said anything about a test?!?! So long as it doesn’t involve Squicking or Felching i’m in. Yeah and probably in fer it too, knowing you guys/gals around here. 
Oh, now I’m so confused! Somebody give this poor newbie some guidance without manipulating me, please! Or manipulate me! See if I care! And somebody make me calm down, for goodness’ sake! My puny newbieness can’t stand up to all these horrible forces! Take pity! Or don’t. Whatever.
-Nilvedman
Ayesha, now cut 'em some slack, okay?
What am I saying?!
::sighs:: Well, poor souls. Pretty soon every randy Doper (redundant, that) will come around trying out their best lines.
I hope you’ve taken your vitamins. Hint: if they’re Flintstones vitamins, don’t go around saying, “I had Wilma this morning.”
Veb
Oh. Well, I guess that explains why the SDMB logo isn’t immediately visible when I drop my pants. Probably why I enjoyed getting it so much, too.
Okay, here’s the deal:
a) The chicks like chocolate, the guys like beer. Lots of us like both, though, so be sure to ask first before you send us the requisite Newbie Offerings To Board Gods/Goddesses.
delta) We enjoy funny. We don’t enjoy stupidity. Unless it’s funny. Then being stupid is okay. But don’t be stupid just to be funny all the time. Then it gets boring.
II) Hi, Opal!
quatro) Do your best to keep your grammar and spelling as correct as possible. The occasional slip-up is tolerated, and even laughed at if it’s funny. Chronic bad grammar and bad spelling, done deliberately, will get scorn heaped upon you.
V) Here there be many redheads and studly men. Worship us, and we will give you many pats on the head and puppy treats. FYI, I fall into the former category, not the latter.
The single most important thing to remember, though (well, aside from worshipping the redheads), is just don’t be a jerk. That’s really the SDMB Golden Rule. If you are behaving in a jerk-like fashion, someone (or many someones) will call you on it. But endless jerkishness will get you banned.
Now Niveldman, I’d like some Godiva chocolate and a six of Molson Canadian. Thanks, you’re a peach!
“______________________” – My best line.
You may now swoon, ladies.
Gentlemen,
Do not listen to ChiefScotton this one. I won’t say he’s lying, he just wants be to be angry with all of you so he can have me to himself. Well as much to himself as my hubby the LIONsob will let him have me.
Aw, Veb don’t make me be good, please.
It’s been said that I do have a thing for older pussies, Ayesha.
ATTN NEWBIES: Note subtle use of a sexual innuendo and double entendres.
Ayesha’s old username was lioness(i.e. a cat). Additional flame points for the not so subtle italicised “thing” and preposition “older.”
I have a question. Is there a term limit to newbie status?(I presume I still qualify.) Or is successful completion of initiation the only way? I realize I might well be poking my head out of the foxhole here…