Looking for advice on custody arrangements (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi! This is the first time I’ve ever posted. I’m looking for unbiased opinions on my situation. Based on the following facts, please tell me what you think is fair.

I was divorced three years ago (separated nearly four years ago) and was given joint custody of my daughter who is now six. In my agreement I said that I wouldn’t move outside a small number of specified counties. At the time my daughter and I were living in a “forbidden” county (65 or so miles away from my ex-husband) for college and all was ok.

Like most parenting plans, my daughter was given the standard one weeknight and every other weekend visits (also shared holidays) with her father. Also, “free and liberal” visitation was added to help foster a thriving relationship between father and daughter. This is something I have always encouraged.

Because my ex works on Saturday, we informally altered the plan to be every weekend for half the weekend. During the first three years, weeknight visits were exercised approximately ten times. Also during this time, he rarely missed a weekend and almost always took her on holidays.

The weekend before we moved to the same city as my ex, he dropped one of his weekends each month, according to him, to spend more time with his fiancee. Approximately six weeknight visits have taken place since the relocation 9 months ago. I have tried on several occasions to increase the number of weeknight visits with my daughter and her father only to be told that he lives too far away (20 miles according to mapquest.com).

My question is should I stick to the agreement as written, which limits my ability to find work, or even a future, to exactly one relatively metropolitan area which is more than 200 miles from my parents and siblings.

I have asked many friends and family members and I seem to get the same answer: I should try to have the agreement amended to exclude the geographical limitation since he is not meeting the minimum court ordered parenting plan.

I don’t want to adversely affect my daughter’s life by taking her away from her dad. But on the other hand I am limiting our lives to keep an agreement he requested but is not even minimally meeting.

Please keep in mind one thing: if you were a father/mother, having to deal with the feelings of your child, would you be willing to risk the happiness of your child for your own based on these facts?

2

Ultimately, the most important point to consider is what’s best for your daughter. You should talk to your ex. The best solution is that he spends more time with his daughter.

If in fact, he wants out of his daughters life and there’s nothing you can do to stop that, then by all means ammend the plan. But that’s not best for your daughter.

3

I don’t have the answer, but I would ask the following:

  1. How old is the daughter? (Is she almost an adult and about to move away anyway, or is she still young?)
  2. Are you currently out of work and unable to find a job in the allowed areas? Or is this a more theoretical question?

It sounds to me that the ex-husband’s arrangement is reasonable. He is seeing his daughter somewhat less than in the original agreement, and on a different schedule, but he is still seeing her fairly often and it sounds like they have a good relationship that all of you want to continue. Unless you have some really pressing need to move out of the allowed area, in my opinion you should amend the agreement to change your ex’s schedule. You could also just continue it informally, but I’m not a lawyer so cannot comment on what’s best in that regard.

4

Cubester -

I can sympathize with your situation, but with a slight twist - my custody arrangements with my son’s father have been easy, wonderful and pain free (we switch every other week). HOWEVER, we are now in a situation where he has remarried a woman with a young daughter, and they are in a court battle with the daughter’s father to prohibit them all from living in our town - he wants them to move closer to him (approx 50 miles). The upshot of this is that there is a possibility that the court may order my son’s dad and his family to move…meaning I will have to move if I want to keep my son’s wonderful relationship with his Dad intact.

Everyone still with me??

I guess I don’t have a whole lot of advice, except to keep doing exactly what you are doing, which is to continue to keep the best interests of your child first. If that means moving, then that’s what you have to do. You sound like you’re doing a great job of evaluating all your options.

Best of luck!

AL

5

I’d sit down and talk to the dad (and maybe the girlfriend, too) and explain to him that you’d like to renegotiate the whole thing so you will have better opportunities career-wise, and he can figure out something that will be appropriate and nurturing for your daughter. It sounds like he’s been fairly reasonable up to now. Give him a chance to be part of an equitable solution.

6

I suggest you two seek mediation. It’s a lot less harsh than court action and will help the two of you work out a plan that meets the needs of all three of you.

I will also echo other posters here and say please continue to put your daughter’s well-being first. Yes it’s hard and yes you make the sacrifices. I have walked in your shoes and it’s extremely difficult – but keep in mind your daughter didn’t ask to be born or to have her parents divorce. I believe it’s the parents’ responsibility to do everything reasonable for the child’s well-being.

In my case, that meant I didn’t move out of the area, even though I sure wanted to. It’s paid off in that my two sons are well-adjusted and have good relationships with both of their parents.

I wish you the best as you sort through all of this.