Looking for some application essay proof reading - any takers?

I’m in the process of finishing up my applications for med-school and was wondering if some kind person(s) would be willing to do some proof reading. If you’re not a grammarian, feedback on how well I’m presenting my views would be appreciated as well.

Standard “Why do you want to be a docotor?” essay*
I rarely excelled in sports, couldn’t build up the nerve to act in the school play, and never made first chair on trumpet. But when I went to work and put on my tool belt none of that seemed to matter. Using my skills for the benefit of others gave me pure and simple satisfaction - validation for the long days and years of training. Somewhat appropriately, the eighteen years I spent working for my father’s construction company laid the foundation on which I hope to build a successful career in academic medicine.
I began working alongside my dad at the age of four. Traveling all of sixty feet to that first job site, I ‘helped’ build a deck for our newly retired neighbors George and Mary. After a weekend of hammering nails and carrying planks of wood, I swelled with pride. No one would soon visit our house without seeing what we had erected next door. From then on, I jumped at every opportunity to climb into our beat up, primer-blue cargo van and head off to work. Whether it was building a two story play pen for Mrs. Smith’s eight cats or a basement workshop for Mr. Gibson’s speaker wire business, each new job provided the opportunity to learn something new while forging stronger links to someone in my community. It made the world feel that much smaller.
Gradually, the quick weekend projects of my childhood gave way to months long renovations that toughened my stamina and resolve. Days that began with the seven A.M. lumber run often lasted until six, when the last pile of saw dust had been swept away. For my dad, the return home marked the start of a whole new workday, as he drafted contracts, submitted estimates, and reviewed blueprints well into the night. Despite the long hours and constant pressures, he seldom complained. Quite the contrary, driven by the desire to turn a home owners dream into reality, he reveled in the opportunity to prove himself. This example consistently highlighted the importance of finding my own passion in life and pursuing it with the same single minded determination.
It was a visit to Dr. Shaw that first planted the seed of that passion in the field of medicine. As I turned thirteen, she discovered I had been born with a rare, though entirely treatable, pituitary disorder. The prospect of being on medication for the rest of my life turned my self-reliant sensibilities on end. In an attempt to regain some semblance of control, I set out to learn as much about endocrinology as possible. Scouring every accessible medical resource between my frequent visits to Dr. Shaw, her office quickly became a forum for questions. Despite running a busy practice with a full patient load, she always made every effort to relieve my fears and keep me informed. These years left an indelible impression on my consciousness. It opened my eyes to important role physician’s play in educating the community about their health and the rewarding relationships that result from imparting this knowledge.
As I entered college and began seriously contemplating a career in medicine, Dr. Shaw went one step further by detailing the unseen aspects of her job: keeping in touch with primary care physicians, staying current with new treatments, and making time for family all while running a small business. I soon realized the work she did in the exam room was just part of an incredibly challenging career. However, watching on as she cared for other patients, I knew that meeting those demands only added to her sense of fulfillment.
I set out to test my own determination for a career medicine as a volunteer at the University of Maryland Medical System. Though thrilled to finally be a part of the health care team, working in the state of the art surgical wing exposed me to an entirely different side of medicine. At first glace it appeared that complex machinery had replaced every trace of humanism. I thought back to my own experiences in the hospital and focused on the little things to help make others feel more supported: making sure patients in transport were well covered with warm blankets, and escorting friends and family to the waiting area, cafeteria, or newsstand. As I grew more comfortable with my duties, I took the opportunity to learn more about the patients on their way to the OR. Their stories varied as wildly as their coping mechanisms: from the nervous humor of a middle-aged mechanic to the youthful courage of a five year old boy. Yet once they reached the operating room, they routinely placed a steadfast faith in the abilities of the staff – a trust that had been earned through compassion, knowledge, and many years of training, not the countless number of vital monitors.
Witnessing these moments in the OR confirmed my decision to enter medical school and reinforced a lesson I had learned from an early age: the greatest feelings of accomplishment come only after meeting a difficult challenge. I continue to bear this in mind as I work towards a career in academic medicine. Although I still have much to learn about medicine and the relationships connecting doctor and patient, science and service, I am eager to spend the next many years discovering those answers.

State your reasons for wishing to pusue the combined MD/PhD degree.**
With the right tools and proper motivation, one can accomplish nearly anything. For much of my life, I have lived this maxim in its most literal and mechanical sense. But now, as I search for the best way to bridge my passions for research and medicine, it has taken on a meaning closer attuned to my career goals. After much deliberation, I have concluded that my success in academic medicine will require both the research tools garnered during PhD training and the knowledge, compassion, and humility sustained with clinical practice.
My interest in medical research began during a junior year course on Endocrinology. Loosely modeled on the problem based learning curriculum used in some medical schools, the class finally gave me the opportunity to set to work as a diagnostician. This novelty gradually transformed into disappointment with the lack of understanding and treatment for some conditions. The abstract concept of incurable disease suddenly became manifest in these hypothetical patients for whom I would have no prescription. As I continued to read about the feedback loops the body uses to maintain health, I became interested in the possibility of manipulating these pathways to offset the causes or effects of disease. The idea of using breakthroughs in basic science to develop new or better treatments for others had captured my imagination.
For the past two years I have tested my commitment to this path as a research technician at the Institute for Medical Research. Using a few of the labs physiological assays, I have been conducting a screen for alleles that help regulate heart performance and aging. Though the demands of structuring my own work around the needs of the lab have been considerable, the thrill of adding to the current body of scientific knowledge has motivated me through the long nights and weekends. Still, during this time I have realized that extended workweeks cannot always compensate for the tools necessary to conduct successful long term research. In senior lab members I see an intimate knowledge of experimental techniques, an understanding of the requirements for scientific proof, and the ability to articulate complex concepts with elegance in papers, grants, and presentations. The protected research time of graduate school will provide a forum in which I can continue to hone these skills with more focus and the continued support of experienced scientists.
Although the near decade needed to fulfill the requirements of the dual degrees represents a significant portion of my life, the intensive simultaneous training will afford me the freedom to explore the overlapping boundaries of science and medicine from the start of my career. It is my hope that with persistence and a bit of luck, this early investment will yield a rewarding and successful career in medical research.

My only comment, because I now have a headache, is that whitespace between paragraphs is a good thing.

FIRST RULE OF JOB OR SCHOOL APPLICATIONS: Spell the company name right.
SECOND RULE OF JOB OR SCHOOL APPLICATIONS: Spell the JOB TITLE right

The third rule is probably something like “It’s CORRECTLY, not RIGHT.”

Hmmmm, welll, it’s alright.

First off, I’m no medical school admissions officer, but I’m going through the medical school admissions process now for the third time. I guess that would make me the last person on the face of the earth you would want to solicit an opinion from, but in my defense, I’ve only been applying to one school, really, I just turned 21, and I’ve got a feeling about number three.

Anyway, I guess what I would advise you to do is really look at your top school or top three schools and try to figure out how *they *assess candidates and tailor your approach from there.

Anyway, the knowledge that I’ve gained about my own first choice’s admissions process here in Colorado leads me t suggest that you’ve got too much fluff. The way that the dean of the admissions office laid it out for me was thusly:

  1. Interview offers are made with 80% of some magic formula involving your MCAT’s, GPA, and science GPA, 18% from activites and health related experience, 2% from the essays, etc. and that was along the lines of a pass/fail. Does the person mention wanting to be an OBGYN because they think vaginas look pretty? Do they talk about the Jag they hope to buy afer opening their plastic surgery shack? Nope? Sounds good to us.
  2. It’s all about determining amount and success in “health related experience” in the interview.

That said, also consider the admissions process as a positive process where they’re looking for reasons to admit you.

Okay, all of that said, now we get back to the essay at hand. Given that my understanding of the process is generally correct and that it applies to your schools as well, you’re essays are kinda mediocre. They’re trying to be “good” in the sense that they’re trying to be compelling reading with humor and humanity, etc., but I think I would choose a more matter of fact approach where you talk directly about your health related experience.

That you’re a hard worker or that you admire hard workers is already a bit of a given. They probably aren’t too concerned with weeding out the pot-heads at this stage. That said, the whole opening bit about your dad is frankly pretty irrelevant. Also, 75% of it isn’t even about you. Same for much of your MD/Ph.D. letter. Basically, expand on what you’ve actually done and what you actually want to do. Skip some of the feel-good crap about your dad.

Apologies if this is coming off as rather blunt, but it’s my best advice that I can give you. Again, take it for what it’s worth.

Twice rejected applicant multiplied by electrical publishing format, it comes about to two thousands of a cent give or take.

Crap. I hit enter on accident.

What I meant to add was, “good luck.” Also, I highly suggest that you page Alice_in_wonderland, whom, IIRC, acually works in medical school admissions. I suppose you could also page some of the boards resident physicians and other healthcare workers although an MD doesn’t equal a Ph.D. in medical school admissionology. Some of the very good communicators that spring to mind:
**Quagop, of course
Doctor Jackson
picunurse
DSeid
ElanorIgby
**

And finally, after the rest of you people have had fun picking apart the spelling and gramatical errors of one essay, how about a second? Crawlspace, you owe me at least one snotty comment about how poorly organised my own essay is after my comments on yours.

Ahem, all rights reserved, don’t everyone go stealing this and getting into med-school now:
"My first patient was as a sophomore in high school. He was an 83 year old stroke patient, and I knew how to take a blood pressure. I didn’t introduce myself or ask him about what I was about to do before grabbing his arm. We were both anxious, but he was stricken with aphasia and paralyzed on the left side of his body, so all he did was stutter when I tore off the blood pressure cuff. A firefighter cautioned, “Easy!” but I was missing the point. We had arrived in a large red quarter million dollar truck with flashing lights and siren; what was the point of wasting precious seconds talking to patients? It was unfortunate that, in my haste, I had forgotten what his blood pressure actually was.

Fortunately, the Littleton firefighters knew better. After three more years under their tutelage, I had seen what a group of medical professionals was capable of. I saw how they could combine patient interaction and diagnostic techniques to deliver both top-rate emergency care and comfort to people in need of assistance.

Learning about and applying medicine triggers my intellectual curiosity in the same way that the best of my high school and college career has. It has been on opportunity to study the incredible organization and efficiency in the human body, and brought meaning and purpose to chemistry, even organic chemistry!

The chance to work with patients drove me back to volunteer at the firehouse weekend after weekend for as long as I could. When I graduated from high school, I sought out the Rocky Mountain Rescue Group at CU, received my EMT-B certification, volunteered at Boulder Community Hospital over the summer when I worked on organic chemistry, and took a position as a residential advisor to provide the same guidance, advice, and support that my RA provided to me as a freshman.

Since my first interactions with medicine in high school, I have had a great deal of opportunity to see more aspects of medical care; inside of spotless new under-worked suburban emergency departments, over-worked urban emergency departments, dilapidated nursing homes, resource rich endoscopy clinics, and resourceful immunization clinics. I’ve fed Alzheimer’s patients, been a part of the mountain rescue team that provides comfort and reassurance to fallen climbers as well as a ride off of the mountain, provided an open door and support to freshmen stressed and away from home for the first time, and helped to bridge the gaps in patient care that open up in a busy ER.

Through medical school, internship, residency, and practice as a physician, I will become a doctor that will serve his patients with compassion, technical expertise, openness to change, and an eye for the larger forces that can affect the way that medicine is practiced, such as expanding healthcare costs, increasingly advanced procedures and treatments, and an aging population facing demographic crisis. I have the academic preparation to succeed in medical school, the tenacity to serve as an intern and resident, but most importantly, a passion for patient care that will serve my patients as a physician.
"

Sorry about that, and good point. Blinding the admissions officers is probably not looked upon favorably - unless, of course, I were able to heal them at the interview.

threemae, I’m a reapplicant myself. I was basing my approach on this.

I’m not sure what you mean by this. For example, there were only 3 sentences about my dad.

I’m not one for snotty comments. However, saying you will be a compassionate doctor is good; backing it up with an anecdote that shows it would be even better.

Okay, I understand that it wasn’t specifically about your dad, but if you’re a 7 year old following your dad around in the family business’s van, I don’t get the idea of you as an active participant. Learning about hard work and long days through construction isn’t bad (but 7 AM to 6 PM isn’t that extreme and I might just say “long days with hard work”). Also, turn those phrases into something a bit more active.

“when the last pile of saw dust had been swept away” into, “after I had swept away the last piles of saw dust.”

Similarly, this: “Still, during this time I have realized that extended workweeks cannot always compensate for the tools necessary to conduct successful long term research. In senior lab members I see an intimate knowledge of experimental techniques, an understanding of the requirements for scientific proof, and the ability to articulate complex concepts with elegance in papers, grants, and presentations. The protected research time of graduate school will provide a forum in which I can continue to hone these skills with more focus and the continued support of experienced scientists.”

is all about your mentors and even then without a really strong idea of which particular traits your mentors had that you really admired. That research assistants will screw things up and that they’ll be glad to have more senior people to turn to is the natural order of things; I don’t feel that it makes a great addition to why you, in particular, should be granted admission to an MD/Ph.D. program. It sounds like you’ve got the experience to back it up so talk more about what you have done that is unique and individual. I would probably avoid the fairly common trait of becoming the acronym, protein, and gene dropping pinwheel of death, but maybe you could show an example of how you’ve taken leadership or improved things around the lab. How you’ve helped to take something in a new direction that turned out to be fruitful.

  1. Your first sentence is AWFUL. You should not begin with a litany of your failures and shortcomings. It suggests that you might have chosen other paths if you were good enough at them, but doctor is the best you can consider at this stage of life. You should talk about how you found construction work more satisfying than other things, but with no reference to your mediocrity at the other things,

  2. To me the term “academic medicine” suggests a kind of “clean hands” attitude. IOW, it suggests more interest in the mental puzzles of medicine than in geting your hands dirty with real patients. I suggest this is a term you reserve for the second qestion about the PhD program rather than the first.

  3. Use peoples’ full names – not Dr. Shaw but Dt. ____ Shaw. Use your father’s full name.

  4. Are you now in your early 20’s? The comment about 18 years working for your father’s construction company suggests this is a second career – is this correct? I can’t tell from your narrative whether this includes the time when you were 4. You need to distinguish between working and being inspired at at his side as a child, and being an important part of company as an employee, if indeed you were.

This is a good point, but if he is indeed trying to get into the MD/PhD program, then “academic medicine” I think is an okay term to use. People that get into the MD/PhD program aren’t necessarily expected to become “frontline” doctors, although I think that there’s plenty of reason to question the utility of MD/PhD programs.

Nonetheless, the government has decided that MSTP (Medical Scientist Training Programs) are important and they’ve put a ton, and I mean a ton of cash where their mouth is to fund programs to train MD/PhD’s.

When hard times hit the Dope, be sure to write down the name Crawlspace for refernce. He’s going to be loaded. :wink: He’s going to be in an MD/PhD program!