I remember a thread on a here a couple of years ago, dealing with humorous “diaries” written by the LOTR characters. I can’t find it on a search! Can someone find it and link it? Thanks!
Lorie
Ah yes, the Very Secret Diaries!
Is this it, Lorie. I just was checking yesterday for updates, sadly, not yet.
Nichol_storm, you da faster man/woman.
Yes yes!! thank you!!
The journal it originated from can be found here. She’s stopped writing them, but there are a few diaries in the journal that aren’t in the previous link.
Btw, if you enjoyed the LOTR Diaries, you might get a kick out of one of their many spin-offs, Camelot: the Very Secret Diaries. Had me in stitches. A sample:
From The Very Secret Diary of Morgan le Fay: Want more faerie dust. Faeries won’t hook me up, say I have a problem. Say I should seek therapy. Stupid faeries.
From Arthur: A Very Secret Diary: Old man showed up again. Everyone knows him – apparently big famous wizard, Merlin. Says girl was my sister, Morgause. Didn’t even know I had a sister. Yuck. Also says she’s going to have my baby. Double yuck. Babies disgusting.
From The Very Secret Diary of Sir Launcelot: Am now in Camelot, in v. nice room, w/soft bed. Met Arthur, who Lady says is King of this place. Seems to be v. nice fellow, said something about a “new place to rest my sword.” Am looking forward to discovering what he means. Found his stubble strangely attractive, will have to attempt same.
Ohmigod, I never realized how much of those “diaries” were homaged in the PJ films. No, not the “purvey hobbit fancier” stuff, but some of the lesser details.
For example, Merry’s entry: he pilfers fireworks, and is punished by washing dishes. Bumps into Frodo and Sam while pilfering crops, falls down a cliff, breaks his carrot. Later, Borimir teaches him sword fighting. All of this was in the FoTR film (and not in the books). Weird.
Waitasec - the diaries were written before the films, right?
No, she wrote them as an homage to the films.
Damn. I just wooshed myself. How embarraskin.:o
I seem to remember another one, that had Sam mooning all over Frodo. Or was this the same one?
You can also find it archived here.
And there’s a review for it here.
Speaking of secret diaries, what happened to the one about Pirates of the Caribbean? Is that being archived anywhere? Some Dopers here were working on it, but I lost track of the progress on it. It was pretty funny.
SuperLorie, you may also enjoy this parody of The Two Towers. I’m hoping the writer continues her good work with a parody of ROTK.
Evadne’s “Breadbox Editions” of the LOTR films (direct links below) are the cream of the parody crop, as far as I’m concerned. Arwen’s “dismissal” of Glorfindel remains one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
The Lego version is cute.
Here is what I have of the POTC diaries that were posted here. Please authours, come forward so I can credit you.
From The Very Secret Diaries of Captain Jack Sparrow
Day 1
Last leg of trip from Cuba v. taxing. Had to drink entire rum supply to empty keg for bailing purposes. Mental note: instant gratification does not pay off in long run. I’d rather this bloody boat of Annamaria’s had sank. Also, running low on eyeliner for first time since raiding HMS Max Factor back in February. This bodes ill.
Day 2
Found island containing people. Bloody uptight, angry British people, but people nonetheless. Annamaria’s boat gone, as is haunting specter of empty rum keg. Good riddance. Have thus far failed in stealing new boat. Hope springs eternal.
Day 2, later
Mental note: refine escape techique. Swash excellent, buckle needs work. Blows to head not much good at all. Perhaps should invest in reinforced bandanna. Would make effects v. heavy, though.
Good: Saved girl. V. Good: Removed girl’s underthings. Bad: Met girl’s father. V. Bad: Met girl’s boyfriend. Better: Girl’s other boyfriend (girl apparently gets around–must look into that) returned hat before slamming my person into standard-issue dank cell.
From The Very Secret Diaries of Elizabeth Swann
Day 1
Port Royal v. boring. Made chamber maid dance for my amusement, just because I can. Perhaps later will go into town, watch Will work up a sweat at forge. Something about the pounding and the rhythm just…I need to lie down.
Day 2
V. busy–started day with exposition-like dream. Forgot I used to be a kleptomaniac. Decided nothing matched new gown so well as skull medallion, became first Goth teen. Go me! Suspect Will may be prettier than me.
Ceremony dull, Norrington even more so, though bling-bling on fancy coat suits him well. Forced into impromptu cliff diving to escape marriage twaddle, though. Quick swim was first chance to cool off in days, but scraggly pirate dragged me onto dock. Situation improved as pirate removed underwear (mine). Moment spoiled by arrival of soldiers, daddy. Daddy always walks in and ruins everything. Suspect he likes to watch. Suspect pirate is also prettier than me. Must trade makeup tips.
From The Very Secret Diaries of Will Turner
Day 1
Have spent day moving heavy objects while locked in 110-degree room with donkey and snoring fat man. Tried composing poem re: Elizabeth, but couldn’t think of word to rhyme with “fantasmaglorious.” Still v. pretty.
Day 2
Stopped by Governor’s mansion to deliver sword for Captain Poncington’s promotion ceremony. Broke candle holder, but will be paid to fix it later. Go me! Saw Elizabeth, but father wouldn’t leave us alone, so went back to forge to beat living hell out of something.
Found forge infested with dirty, innuendo-spouting pirate. Commenced swordfight, got down with my v. bad self, but victory snatched away by demon rum. Taking consolation in being much prettier than pirate.
From The Very Secret Diary of Captain Jack Sparrow
Day 2, night
In jail. Inventory of effects: still no boat. Am considering beating other prisoners to death with bone. Entirely possible. After all, I’m Captain Jack Sparrow. Am badass.
Island raided by other, less pretty pirates taunting me with boat. Bastards. Not sending xmas gift this year, though Bath & Body gift basket sorely needed by Barbossa & Co.
Killed time wondering where half-drowned chick buys accessories–am v. bored with bone in hair, may upgrade to skull medallions. Maybe Port Royal has Hot Topic.
From The Very Secret Diaries of Elizabeth Swann
Day 2, night
Huh. Totally sweet skull medallion actually magnet for stinky pirates. Live and learn.
From The Very Secret Diaries of Will Turner
Day 2, night
Huh. Killed several pirates–one with strength of bad joke alone, go me–but main street must be near spawn point, as pirates kept coming back.
Even unconcious, I’m pretty.
From The Very Secret Diary of Captain Jack Sparrow
Day 3
Things progressing nicely. Began day in jail, but am now up one v. fast boat. Go me! Was sprung by pretty blacksmith. Noticed that, for blacksmith, Will not as musclebound as would expect. Still, wiry, supple lads…wait. Boat. Was talking about new boat.
New boat not as pretty as Black Pearl, but royal marines thoughfully didn’t skimp on rum rations. v. good. Perhaps generous appliation of rum will relax blacksmith enough to allow removal of stick from v. tight ass.
From The Very Secret Diary of Will Turner
Day 3
Stupid commodore. Was working up v. virile rage when he rubs in face that Elizabeth has us both on a string. Bitches, both of them.
Also, stupid pirate. Thought my use of pirate lingo quite manly, but he says use of “avast,” “arrrrr,” etc. is simply playing to stereotype. He’s just jealous because I’m the prettiest.
Have promised to cut back on pirately language in exchange for instruction in “timber shivering.” Can hardly wait!
For any Harry Potter fans out there, I give you the diary of Draco Malfoy.
(Incomplete, but very funny.)