Lord of the Rings, Star Wars style!

Cafe Society
1

Over in this thread, Legomancer wrote:

The scene: Mordor. Frodo is torn with indecision. He’s dangling the Ring over the firepits of Mt Doom. Gollum is standing by, poised to leap to save his ‘preciousssssss’. Sam is standing by, poised to beat the snot outta Gollum if need be (or even if not.)

Suddenly there’s a POOF and Sauron shows up.

Sauron: < coughs and waves smoke aside > Damned smoke…

Frodo: < first time he’s seen Sauron > Aren’t you a little…short to be a Dark Overlord?

Sauron: < Who’s only a few inches taller than Frodo, despite the fancy-schmancy armor of the first movie> Frodo! I am your father!

Frodo: < drops to knees > NOOOoooOoooooooo! That’s not true! That’s IMPOSSIBLE!

Gandalf’s voice: < voice over > : Trust your feelings, Frodo!

Sauron: < unctous voice > : Yes. Yes! Trust your feelings Frodo. You know what I say to be true.

Frodo: < Looks skyward >: Gandalf you bstrd!. You told me my father was dead!

Gandalf’s voice: < smugly > No: I said Sauron MURDERED your father. When Drogo chose to become EEE-vil and took the name Sauron, he essentially died. So what I told you was correct. From a certain point of view!

Frodo < stands. He’s pissed > “Certain point of view” my fuzzy feet! You lied to me you bstrd!

Frodo < jams Ring on finger, DOESN’T turn invisible: for the first time, he’s controlling the Ring, not the other way round> : “Certain point of view” this, you lying sonofa…

Long shot: Clouds start to boil, the earth trembles, the sky turns red. Electrical effects start happening in the clouds. BIG electrical effects.

Gandalf’s voice < worried > : Oh sh…

Long shot: A single purple lighting bolt explodes from the clouds, arcing down over the mountain range, pinpointing a certain wizard.

Medium shot: A floppy wizards hat smoulders in a pile of ashes.

Sauron: < a trifle concerned > : Frodo. Join me. Togther we can rule the universe.

Frodo < arches eyebrow > : Waddayamean “We” old man? Where were you when I was marching across Mordor? Go t’ Hell.

Medium shot: camera pulls back slightly, another purple lightning bolt of doom turns Sauron/Drogo into a pile of ashes.

Sam < very, very worried > : Now, Master Frodo, why don’t you just put down the Ring and…

Frodo < hold up his hand. Sam levitates over the firepit. Note that Frodo has suddenly gained an “I’m British and therefore Eee-Vil Jeremy Irons accent” > : No, old bean. Sorry to have to do this, but frankly if I leave you alive, you’ll only lead a band of rebels against me at some future date. I’m afraid you’ll have to go.

Sam < false bravado > : If you strike me down I’ll become even MORE powerful than…

Frodo < smugly > : Than a gardener? Uh-huh. :rolleyes: Let’s be honest: when I strike you down, you’ll be cooked crispy style. See?

Medium shot: camera zooms in on Sam as he falls into the Firepits.

Frodo < notices Gollum cringing behind some shrubbery. With a gesture, Frodo levitates Gollum > : You too. Sorry, but I’m not taking any chances.

Gollum < terrified > : NO! Master! NO!!!

Medium shot: duplicate of previous shot as Gollum follows Sam into the Firepits.

Close up on Frodo

Frodo < thoughtfully > : Hmmmm…who’s left? Aragorn?

Long shot: A single purple lighting bolt explodes from the clouds, arcing down over the mountain range, pinpointing Aragorn

Frodo: Elrod and Rivendell?

Long shot: Lots of purple lightings bolt explodes from the clouds, arcing down over the mountain range, pinpointing Elrond and Rivendell.

Long shot: Elves screaming as they’re turned into ashes

Frodo: Galadrial and Lothlorian?

Long shot: Lots of purple lightings bolt explodes from the clouds, arcing down over the mountain range, pinpointing Galadrial and Lothlorian.

Long shot: Elves screaming as they’re turned into ashes

Frodo: Galadrial and Lothlorian?

Long shot: Lots of purple lightings bolt explodes from the clouds, arcing down over the mountain range, pinpointing Galadrial and Lothlorian.

Frodo: Tom Bombadil!

Long shot: Another lightning bolt

Fade out: Camera pulls back and fades out as we hear Frodo muttering: Merry and Pippin? < two claps of thunder> Farmer Maggot? < clap of thunder > The Gaffer?

Fade to black

The End

2

Gandalf: (to Nazgul) These are not the halflings you’re looking for.

Nazgul: These are not the halflings we’re looking for.

Gandalf: He can go about his business.

Nazgul: You can go about your businness.

Gandalf: Move along.

Nazgul: Move along.

3

Frodo hangs helpless from the ceiling. His body is wrapped tightly in gold and silk.

A long, grey arm reaches toward his sleeping friends.

Frodo struggles and manages to free an arm. he reaches desperately for Sting, but to no avail. He concentrates-the hilt twitches. Suddenly, the hilt jusmps into his furry little hand. A lshining blade of pure energy shoots out. It is delicately carved with elvish runes.

Or
Gandalf- It took many weeks of interrogating Gollum. “Beep. Dlootle. Bweep.Beep. Doot. Whooo.” Such is an example of his speech.

At the Inn Of The Prancing Pony-
Bill Ferny sits across Strider and speaks a bizarre language-conveniently subtitled-Ah Strider, Saruman will pay me a great bounty for you…
Or in the prequel Episode One-The Lucky Number

It is dark, despite the crackling fire. The trolls argue over the best way to cook their captives. Suddenly, Gandalf appears
Gandalf-For here is dawn! You shall spend eternity in frozen carbonite!

4

Gollum-meesa want my precious.

Or
The doors to the feast hall open. Sauron sits at the end of the table.

Sauron-Greetings
Actually, it his empty armor-manipulated by orc puppeteers as Sauron hasn’t rematerialized yet. One orc speaks into a metal trashcan to produce the deep booming voice.

Elrond-I’m really sorry about this guys. But, he promised to leave Rivendell alone. And Aragorn can’t hit on my daughter while locked in carbonite.

Aragron-But, the One Ring, evil will…

Elrond-Oh shut up! Do you know what boys are? Boys are a viruss. They all just want to get at your daughter! Well, try hitting on my baby once you’re stone.
(Elrond exits muttering) Lousy, stinking human…not gonna marry my girl…

Gimli-Wooo-agggh!(other roaring)

An Orok-Hai delivers the frozen Aragorn to Saruman.

Shot of Saruman’s throne room. Merry and Pippin wear long metal leashes and golden bikinis.

Saruman-(he glowers and points his staff at the crowd) I like hobbits. Anybody have a problem with that?
Goblin-Well, it seems a little…
The floor collapses. The goblin is plunged into the lair of the BalRancor. He quivers in terror and is eaten.
Saruman-Anybody else(?
Crowd-No. No. It’s fine by me. etc
Saruman(looking at Merry)-One you go hobbit, you never go back.

5

Oooh! I get to be the first to do it!

[Pippin accidentally knocks the skeletal remains of a dwarf into a well. Loud noises follow.]

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Next throw yourself in!

Pippin: It’s not my fault!

6

Legolas: The Balrog has shut down our main reactor! We’re doomed!

Elves outside Lothlorien: (Points at Gimli) We don’t serve their kind here!

7

Frodo and Gandalf are talking to Strider in the middle of an assortment of Middle Earth creatures who frequent the Prancing Pony.

Strider: I’ve heard you’re looking for passage to Rivendell. I’ve got some horses outside.

Frodo: Are they fast horses?

Strider: Fast horses? You mean you’ve never heard of Strider’s Horses? They’re the horses that made the Laketown run in under 10 leagues! They’re fast enough for you. What’s the cargo?

Gandalf: Myself, the hobbit, two other hobbits, and no questions asked.

Strider: What, are you in some kind of local trouble?

Gandalf: Let’s just say we wish to avoid any Nazgul involvement.

Strider: That’s the real trick, isn’t it? And it’s gonna cost you something extra.

8

Gandalf: I need you to take the ring to Bree. I’ll meet you there.

Frodo: Aw, but I wanted to go into Hobbiton for some power converters!

9

In the entrance to Moria:

“Look Gimli, those are orc arrows. Only Moria orcs could be so precise.”

10

Er, pardon me, but aren’t leagues a unit of distance?? :wink:

11

:: entering the mines of Moria ::

Gandalf: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

12

Well yes, but you see; the laketown run is actually a series of stops on a circuit, where the idea is losing the pursuit. The faster you lose the pursuit, the better your horses are. So you see, the distance is the real measurement here. :smiley:

13

The Balrog is menacing over Gandalf at the bridge.

Gandalf: Strike me down and I will return, more powerful than you can imagine!

14

That’s part of the gag…in Star Wars, Solo says that the Millennium Falcon made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs (a parsec, like a league, is a unit of distance). In that way it makes just as much (or as little) sense as the quote it is spoofing.

FYI, 1 parsec = 6392013090577.685 leagues

15

lol :D, those are pretty good. Sorry, anything I can think of is pretty bad.:slight_smile:

16

But in Star Wras, whether justified at the time or not, realize that the Kessel Run is a common smuggler’s shortcut, running around a supermassive black hole cluster. In essence, Han was saying that he cut it closer than anyone is history - he wasn’t talking speed, the speed was implied. He did the run in a short sweep around the cluster.

17

No, in Star Wars, George Lucas got it wrong, because he doesn’t know a parsec from a parsnip.

People who do understand the difference between units of distance and units of speed later retconned the error with the bafflegab you quote above. But Lucas did, indeed, originally write that line as if a parsec was a unit of speed, because (aparrently) he didn’t know any better and didn’t feel any need to look it up.

18

The Lord of the Rings, Episode One: The Phantom Silmarillion.

As the powerful barter federation surrrounds the peaceful Valinor, Darth Morgoth plots how to obtain the remaining Silmarils and thus consolidate his power over Middle Earth. Against this backdrop of strife, we follow the young Sauron as he must race a motley group of elves in order to regain his mother’s ring collection. He is aided by the great knight Beren, his apprentice and son Earendil, and a floppy eared goblin so evil that enemies will slice their own throats rather than suffer through his “hilarious” antics.

Beren begins to suspect that the boy Sauron is more than he seems, and believes it is because of an unusual amount of “Midi-rune-ians” the boy posesses. Who is this powerful boy? Find out in the next instalment, Episode 2: Attack of the Kobolds.

19

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. I did not want to elicit this kind of discussion with my innocent little spoof. Ladies and gentleman, how’s about we keep this thread tongue-in-cheek, like the OP was?

20

Voice from Armor Suit: “Pay no attention to the orc behind the curtain.”

Aragon: “That’s not fair–you’re introducing a third movie into this parody!”

Voice from Suit: “I’m a dark lord – I can break whatever rules I want.”