In what little I’ve seen, alimony-wise, the best thing would be to convince her (ultimatum?) to get any job now, so that you’d be on the hook for less in a divorce.
My sincerest sympathies.
As several others have suggested, try to find a counselor or therapist. You’ve tried everything you can; the next logical step is to see if some other OUTSIDE party might see things a little differently and have some good ideas.
I was married to someone for 25 years who changed as the OP described. Lost all motivation, would trash the house completely and be angry I didn’t clean up after her. Apparently developed an eating disorder, she was eating six times a day with inevitable results on her health. I was sure she was suffering from anxiety and depression but she wouldn’t get help no matter what I did. Angry and bitter all the time, she seemed to grow more and more hateful of me every day. We went to couples counseling, for years, and it was always me who was the problem in her mind. I’d do everything I could to make things better, but it was only myself making the effort. I hung on for probably 10 years when I should have walked away.
We finally divorced. It took years to be free of her in many ways, but that clean break made my life so much better. And now, seven years later she’s about the same, bitter and angry and unhappy, and I’ll never know why and I guess she’ll never do anything about it, and it’s just not my problem now. I feel very sorry for her, but you can’t change someone so deep into their unhappiness.
I remember finally not living with that woman, how freeing it was to not be around someone who fucking hated me for no apparent reason. And not feeling daily that feeling that everything was deteriorating around me, constantly and all the time.
My only regret is we didn’t make a break ten years previously, because things were never ever going to improve, and we each had a decade of pointless unhappiness, all for nothing. OP: if you’ve done what you can, if things just can’t get better, it may be time.
This varies widely by jurisdiction and individual circumstances. If they did not have an agreement that wife would stay home, and wife was gainfully employed just two years ago, there’s a good chance that any alimony would be limited and temporary. This is what lawyers are for.
Ahhh, I like the way you think. Remind me never to get on your bad side.
Of course circumstances matter, but the facts that she hasn’t worked in 2 years, hasn’t ever been able to keep a job and probably has a mental health disorder isn’t going to help the alimony argument on OP’s side. The point though, is that it’s not enough of a reason to stay in a marriage that he is unhappy with.
By separating but not doing the divorce paperwork. Let her file for it if she wants but she can’t get off the couch so I like the odds here. Maybe file a legal separation to cushion against her accruing massive debt but otherwise, unless you’re wanting to marry again there’s no real reason to do the divorce process.
In my experience, in California, support payments are part of the separation agreement. And yes, there definitely needs to be a legal separation or the other person can f up your life in untold ways you can do nothing about.
Because when you hear hoofbeats, you think “horse”, not “zebra”. Don’t beat yourself up. Depression / bi-polar disorder are common; brain tumor is the thing of a very special episode of House. This is not something that you would find from regular physicals. I suppose there’s an outside chance that changes in blood work might imply something, but, again, not very likely. This is, sadly, the most likely way that an incident like this would unfold.
Don’t kick yourself over the delayed diagnosis; consider yourself lucky that you got 30 months instead of just 18 (or less!).
Since – par for the course around here – you already got a wide range of really thoughtful advice, I’ll mostly just offer up a heartfelt “Aw. Dude …”
This sucks.
But to amplify @ZonexandScout 's point (made via a gut-wrenching story – you have my sincere sympathies), I tend to think it’s always worth trying to rule out something weird and medical before attributing this sort of thing to other causes.
If you can get cooperation on that process, that is.
Best of luck.
I kind of went through that too My first wife just hated me toward the end of our marriage. She didn’t want to look at me and almost never spoke to me except to criticize me, it was literally like everything I did was awful. I felt like an enemy in my own house. One reason why I am so grateful for my oldest daughter is that for a solid year, she was the only one who was at all happy to see me when I came home. If it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I’d have done.
In my case, fortunately, once we got divorced things were very cordial. I don’t interact with her often but we get along, and we partner up well to make decisions about our daughter. Even the divorce itself was amicable; she asked for a handful of things that I didn’t mind parting with (mostly they were things I’d bought for her anyway), and I paid a reasonable and relatively short-term alimony (called “spousal maintenance” in Washington State) which was based entirely on a standard formula that the state calculates based on household income and the amount of time the marriage lasted. It wasn’t without its financial hardships; my house was foreclosed on and I had some lean years before I improved my professional situation, but I think things went as well as possible.
Sometimes as painful as a divorce can be, it ends up being the best thing you can do. I don’t think it is ever a “good” thing but sometimes it’s the least bad thing you can do.
It seems like this is too common of a life experience. I always knew my wife had issues with depression, and possibly bipolar. We have a daughter who has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum, and it appears to me that my wife is probably on the spectrum, also. Both are very high functioning, but their atypical quirks can be so similar in many ways. They probably both have ADD, too.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love my wife, and there are so many reasons we are great for each other, she just has some baggage (don’t we all, though). I’ll be the counter example to many of the stories here. She’s worked hard on being better, even if she thinks she doesn’t work hard, and doesn’t think she’s any better. Of course depression is managed, not cured, so it is a process that continually requires attention and care. We’re still together, and as far as I know plan to stay that way.
Good on you guys for sticking it out–after my first husband and I divorced he had some sort of epiphany and decided to stay on his meds and has done for like 40 years. Came too late for our relationship, unfortunately, and then there was a long hassle over various co-parenting issues to make it all even more fun. That’s really the problem though–the person has to SEE that there’s an issue and AGREE to do something to fix it and if they can’t or won’t then it all turns into an endurance contest to see who breaks first. No matter how it turns out, that struggle leaves scars and damage on everyone involved in the process.
I don’t have experience with divorce but I do have experience being a depressed person. It is true what everyone has said, you cannot force her to get help if she doesn’t want it. You can only show her where the help is. She will not get better if she is not participating. Period.
Also, it is OK for you to need to leave. It doesn’t make you a bad person to not be able to see her through this. Depressed people can be really terrible to be around. It isn’t your job to fix her either.
Heh, did that. So that my kids were ok, we separated and I gave her my previous take home pay, taking a part time additional job to live on. Hard, but I thought worth it.
We agreed to simple divorce once the kids were both 18, but this was never put in writing. Kids turned 18, I file, she lawyers up and goes nuts.
Yup. Don’t give someone the power to screw up your life. Settle things, as immediately as possible, out in the open, everybody knows the stakes. No somedays. It isn’t about trust, it’s about not getting into that situation.
I’m in the get her help camp. I had a gf once who was a mess but fine when she was on her meds. It is a world of difference, and no amount of yelling at someone to get it together is going to help. The OP didn’t mention trying to get her looked at.
I can’t blame him for just about giving up at this point, but if the proper treatment makes her better his attitude might improve also.
And it would no doubt be cheaper than a divorce.
Well, y’know, I didn’t say it was a great idea, but as a means to avoid alimony it could work depending on your local rules. That being said, am I the only one who thinks that being on the hook for spousal support of someone who’s flatly refusing to work even while having a readily resumable career is fucking insane? I mean, if a parent lost out on wage opportunities due to raising the kids that’s one thing, as is child support but just continuing to be expected to subsidize the exact behavior that is making you want to bail in perpetuity? That’s simply nuts. I would hope a judge would look at the situation and say “Yeah, you WERE making 150% of your spouses salary then unilaterally decided to stop working and now you want your spouse to continue to enable your behavior? DEnied.” When I am Empress of the Universe… 
This is so bloody true. I have my own issues that have come close to destroying my marriage - episodes of depression plus a variety of anger issues and who knows what else. For the longest time I thought everyone else had the issues, until, as it seems to me, “the veil lifted” and I finally got to get therapy that took me close to the finish line. However I’m waiting for a neuropsychological assessment to getore insight.
The OP’s wife will not improve until she herself recognizes that she has something that needs fixing.
This ^ I would at least explore and try therapeutic options first. If she refuses or if she fails to cooperate, then there’s nothing more that can be done.
Not in any way judging the OP - it’s one thing to be commenting on a message board, and another thing entirely to be in the middle of it all.