You are such an asshole. Why is it that you have a laundry list of things that I need to change about myself - always, constantly. Why should I even bother or make an effort when you won’t admit to your own shortcomings, or even acknowledge that you (gasp!) also have flaws. You are not affectionate. You sure as hell don’t make much money, never had. All this time I have been the schmuck that loved you, tried to change myself to please you, never could.
I pit you for criticizing me, looking down on me, and being judgemental.
I pit you for refusing to admit that we each have to give in a little, not just me.
I pit all of the men in your family that act the same way. I have 3 SIL’s and they go through the EXACT.SAME.THING.
The house not clean enough for you? Your mom is 10 times worse. I don’t listen to your problems anymore or want to do things together? Hmmm… I wonder why? You act like I’m the bug carcass you squished with your shoe. I don’t want to have sex? Gee, the fact that you are NEVER affectionate except for those 10 minutes in bed have anything to do with that?
It’s ok to say whatever you want about me, but I better never criticize you. I can’t even talk to you, so now I’m on some internet forum spilling my guts to people who don’t even fucking know me.
I’m calling a marriage counselor. I need help.
P.S. I’m sitting here with tears going down my face, and the dog just threw up. :smack:
You will find many people here who empathize with you. Try to find a good counselor. And, no offense, but about your last sentence; I want to say just be glad the dog didn’t throw up on your face.
Fill us in here: why did you marry him? Did you expect he’d change himself, or that you’d be able to change him?
Yep, but frankly I don’t like your chances. Assuming there are no kids in the picture (or you’d have mentioned them) my suggestion is shock therapy: you move out; either he comes to his senses and behaves like a decent human being from now on, or you’re better off without him. Given what you say about his mother and brothers, I’ll bet on the latter.
PS: Auto-ad picks humor-writing workshops from this content? Sick.
When we first married, we were both so very young. These issues didn’t come up until later in the marriage. I don’t want to change him, but he sure does have a lot to say about me! I’m willing to compromise and listen to what he thinks and feels, but am tired of feeling terrible about myself.
What we argue about is stupid - housework and bills. The thing is, in his eyes everything would be just fine if I just got with the program and did things his way. He doesn’t understand anything beyond that.
I’ve always taken care of running the house. I want to change that. I want him to become more involved. Right now finances aren’t good and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I told him that it would be much better both of us if he took an interest and we sat down together to go over the bills and make decisions TOGETHER. Who ever decided that the woman should do these things on her own? In his eyes, I have more time on my hands and I just need to deal with it. The fact that I am asking for help means nothing. I have more time and should just deal with it.
There is a big pile of bills, advertisements, mail, etc on the kitchen counter. I know to the penny what we owe and to who, but if we don’t have the money to pay bills in a timely fashion, it upsets me to look at them. I’m asking for help here. ‘Can we do this together’. The answer is a flat out no and he doesn’t want to. And I do?
Anyhow, I was thinking about it. Why is it that in his mind I am wrong for not wanting to deal with the bills alone, but he is right for not wanting to sit down with me and come up with a plan?
I am not Mrs. Clean. You can drop by and things are relatively straight, but you wouldn’t be amazed by my sparkly floors, either. This is repeated to me over and over and over… that he does not like it. Instead of all of us pitching in (we have two kids) I just get eye-rolling, sighing, grumbling, etc from him. Every single fight we get into may start out about one thing, but he always gets around to how the house is a pig sty. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME without exception during our whole marriage. I am so sick of it I could just scream.
Cleaning the house is definitely not in my top 10. It needs to be done, and I do it. Not great, but I do it. I feel resentful for him thinking that it’s up to me to do something I hate.
I read my original post and was surprised at myself. The reason I mentioned the thing about him not making much, is because he has these defined roles for me. I had a lightbulb moment tonight and told him that under his standards, he didn’t measure up, either. If a woman’s role :rolleyes: is to keep house well and I wasn’t doing that, what about his ability to “Bring home the bacon” well. That made him think - for a minute. He finally came back and said that it wasn’t the same thing at all. I said that if he has Martha Stewart in mind, maybe I should get Donald Trump in mine.
Of course, it’s not the same, I’m way off base, and I don’t get it.
I get it all right. You are not nice to me. You judge me and value me for what I do, and not the person I am. My good qualities aren’t even really noticed or remarked on. As long as there are clothes on the floor life just sucks.
I really am calling a marriage counselor. We have kids and I don’t want to break up a long-standing marriage.
Purple Haze, just wanted to come along and wish you the best. A lot of couples (me included) have arguments about housework. My gf complains that I don’t do enough around the house, and I fully accept that and try to change. But constant criticising is not something you should have to suffer. Nothing good can come of it. I sincerely hope that the call to the marriage counselor gives him the kick up the arse he richly deserves.
Your “and the dog just threw up” comment made me smile. Dog puke is a gross thing, but I think if I was sitting around crying and all my dog could think to do was throw up, I would have to laugh.
“Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.”
“Nearly everyone has some narcissistic traits. It’s possible to be arrogant, selfish, conceited, or out of touch without being a narcissist. The practical test, so far as I know, is that with normal people, no matter how difficult, you can get some improvements, at least temporarily, by saying, essentially, “Please have a heart.” This doesn’t work with narcissists; in fact, it usually makes things worse.”
“They expect automatic compliance with their wishes or especially favorable treatment, such as thinking that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they’re doing to do what the narcissists want, and may react with hurt or rage when these expectations are frustrated.”
Oh hon! I’m going through just about exactly the same thing over here — he has a fucking mental list of what I’m “supposed” to accomplish during the day, being as I’m a SAHM with TWIN 2-YR-OLDS!!! Sure, raising kids is NO work. That must be why he pitches a fit whenever I try to get out of the house & ask him to watch them for a while.
He also refuses to discuss money, I’m supposed to just take care of it & the fact that he never has “enough”.
I had a lightbulb moment myself when I realized that I’m always scrambling to address whatever hot button issue was the reason for the latest fit — when, in truth, the problem is HIS ANXIETY. Whatever I manage to fix, it’s never enough/the right thing/the effect doesn’t last.
And, my MIL is a huge pig, her house would’ve been condemned if anyone had ever called in.
Plus, my cat is barfing!
and the kids are starting to trash the living room, so I gotta dash - but I’m finding marriage therapy, too! Good luck to you - keep writing!
For some couples it does work better if one handles the bills and major outlays, as long as the other person agrees not to spend any large amounts of money without discussing it first.
Forget what role he has in mind for women. What role do you see for yourself? It’s not entirely up to him to decide what you’re going to do with your life. If you want to be a SAHM, that’s terrific. It’s hard work, and I’ve never envied that job. But if it’s making you miserable, you should change that.
I wish you the best of luck, and I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’ll be honest; I don’t think so, because I don’t think he’s going to change without some sort of shock, like you moving out. But I understand why you’re hesitant to do so.
Bullshit. Of course you want to change him! You have two long posts here detailing things about him you want to change! “Compromise” is change wrapped up in feel good self-help psychobabble. It just means you *both *change.
When did “changing someone” become verbotten? Some people need to change, or need to find new relationships. Be clear and honest about that and stick to your guns or nothing will…well…change! Keep doing what you’ve beenm doing and you’ll get the results you’ve been getting.
I think your husband is being a jerk, but I’m going to give you the viewpoint from his side. I’m in a somewhat similar situation. My wife is a stay at home mom, but she does very little around the house and it frustrates me.
I feel that we both be should be making similar contributions to the household in terms of effort. I spend all day at work providing for our family. I expect her to spend most of her day also providing for the family. It’s frustrating to come home to a messy house and find that little has been done.
Yes, she is taking care of our kids, but that cannot take all the time. How do I know this? Because I end up watching them a lot on the weekends. My wife has some volunteer activities which leaves me and the kids alone at the house during the weekends. Even though I’m watching the kids, I can get more housecleaning done during a 4 hour session than she gets done all week.
My wife spends a lot of her day with volunteer activities or reading. I know she enjoys that, but it leaves me feeling taken advantage of. I’d like to spend my time doing those things as well, but I have to spend my day working. So I feel like I’m working hard so that she can do whatever she feels like.
You say cleaning is not in your top 10. Well, what is in your top 10? How many of those things directly benefit your family and household?
You may not like cleaning or paying bills. That’s fine. And normal. No one likes that stuff. But your husband wants to come home and know that you’ve worked just as hard for the family as he has.
And just to dispell any misconceptions, I don’t feel it’s the woman’s role to be the housekeeper. Whoever stays at home should be the housekeeper whether that’s a man or woman. I really wanted to be a stay at home dad, but our finances wouldn’t have worked out.
filmore - may we have a word? (apoligies to purple haze)
I can only speak for my own experience, but I will tell you that without a doubt being a SAHM is harder than any job I ever had. I worked full-time at various office jobs between 1986-1996, and then part-time (between 15-35 hrs) until 2003 when I became pregnant. Some of my jobs were easy, some very difficult. None of it compares with mothering.
Taking care of the kids for an afternoon, while commendable, is nothing at all like being a SAHM. Of course you can get a lot done in 4 hours. Your wife does, too; it’s just that an hour later the little rugrats have undone half of her efforts.
Besides which, clean houses are unhealthy for small children. How much time do you spend playing with your children during your afternoons together? What did you teach them, what did you model, how did you meet their needs while you were cleaning?
They’re only small once - your house will need to be cleaned forever.
Every family is different, so I can’t speak for all situations, but around here I am the one who gets up early with them, stays up late, cares for them when they’re sick all night, etc. I was the one who went through a whole bottle of laundry detergent in a week (26 loads, people) when both of mine were throwing up all over me, the couch, the floor, and all of our linens (we skipped the Santa visit this year).
I’m the one who has to be patient and calm when I absolutely do not want to.
I’m the one who stays in the room & doesn’t go stomping off when the kids are being recalcitrant (i.e., brats).
Yes, I do have easy days; I’ll admit it. Absolutely. Because that’s how I recharge my batteries for the next crisis (i.e., keep from slapping them silly).
And let me point out, I adore my children and love being a SAHM; I’m better at this than I was at any of my jobs. Wouldn’t trade it for anything.
filmore - may we have a word? (apologies to purple haze)
I can only speak for my own experience, but I will tell you that without a doubt being a SAHM is harder than any job I ever had. I worked full-time at various office jobs between 1986-1996, and then part-time (between 15-35 hrs) until 2003 when I became pregnant. Some of my jobs were easy, some very difficult. None of it compares with mothering.
Taking care of the kids for an afternoon, while commendable, is nothing at all like being a SAHM. Of course you can get a lot done in 4 hours. Your wife does, too; it’s just that an hour later the little rugrats have undone half of her efforts.
Besides which, clean houses are unhealthy for small children. How much time do you spend playing with your children during your afternoons together? What did you teach them, what did you model, how did you meet their needs while you were cleaning?
They’re only small once - your house will need to be cleaned forever.
Every family is different, so I can’t speak for all situations, but around here I am the one who gets up early with them, stays up late, cares for them when they’re sick all night, etc. I was the one who went through a whole bottle of laundry detergent in a week (26 loads, people) when both of mine were throwing up all over me, the couch, the floor, and all of our linens (we skipped the Santa visit this year).
I’m the one who has to be patient and calm when I absolutely do not want to.
I’m the one who stays in the room & doesn’t go stomping off when the kids are being recalcitrant (i.e., brats).
Yes, I do have easy days; I’ll admit it. Absolutely. Because that’s how I recharge my batteries for the next crisis (i.e., keep from slapping them silly).
And let me point out, I adore my children and love being a SAHM; I’m better at this than I was at any of my jobs. Wouldn’t trade it for anything.
If taking care of kids takes all your time, that’s fine. I would understand that. But not what’s going in my case. My wife spends a lot of time with volunteer activities and other activities for herself. That’s the issue. The time was spent on activities which benefitted her, not on the family. Why is the neighborhood committee more important than the family? I could understand spending time on volunteer activities if the house was taken care of. But a lot of things at the house are lacking yet she has time to spend on these outside activities.
So if purple haze really spends all her time taking care of the kids, then that’s okay. The house is going to be messy and the husband needs to understand that. But if the time is spent watching tv, doing crosswords, etc., then she should re-evaluate what she’s doing.
Basically, she needs to convey to her husband why she doesn’t have time to clean the house. If it’s because the kids take 100% of the time, then tell him that. And if he doesn’t like it, tough nuggies. But if the house is messy just because she doesn’t feel like cleaning, that’s not a valid reason and it’s reasonable for the husband to be upset. Granted, he’s handling it like a jerk and needs to communicate, but that doesn’t mean that his request is unreasonable.
