Let us know how this turns out Auntbeast. It would be great if this is the teen.
I came home from work tonight and had an email from her. We found her.
She of course, thinks we are popping up after all these years and wondering “why now?” I know she has to be overwhelmed, so I took some time and told her about me, and my memories of her. It’s odd to think that she thinks she’s a stranger to our family. She doesn’t remember us, but we remember her.
I forwarded her email to my brother. He told her he wanted her Mom’s ok before he talked to her. I’m very proud of him. He’s been going nuts.
Tonight, right before I went to work, my brother called, he had an address for her, we were unable to get a phone number, but he said “It’s a contest, my wife, mom and you are all trying to get a number, let’s see who wins.” (He was at work) Well, the emails I sent out last week bore fruit tonight. So, in theory, I’m the winner. What I won was the sound of my brothers voice when I called him at 12:15 am and he answered the phone with “What the hell are you doing calling me at this time of night?” and I said “I got an email from Maddie.” and the sound of his voice saying “Are you sure it’s her?”
Cause, really, that was awesome. What happens now is anyones guess. I have no experience in this, but I hope it will be some comfort to her to know that he has always loved her, but not been a part of her life out of respect for her mothers wishes and doing what SHE felt like what was best for her child, in spite of what it did to him. I hope, that if she’s ever laid awake at night, wondering why, that she understands. I hope that if she ever wondered as she looked in the mirror, why she wasn’t good enough, that she knows she was so much more than good enough. That her father would wait all these years and perhaps a lifetime, if that is what was best for her.
I wonder if she still likes chocolate muffins, because she sure loved them when she was a baby.
Tell her that.
I’ve … um … got something in my eye. Yeah, that’s it.
Incredible. Awesome.
Well done.
Go slow. I know the desire is to rush to make up for lost time. Go slow anyway. Tell her that y’all are going slow, on purpose, so she doesn’t get to feeling y’all don’t care much. Share with her all the family news from the last 16-odd years, including as much gossip as you feel comfortable sharing. This will give her an idea of y’all’s personalities and values, as well as opening up lots of areas for ‘getting to know you’ conversations. Don’t forget to ask her about her family news and gossip!
First meetings should be fairly short, and on neutral ground - DO NOT make a big production of the first few meetings… this is for her comfort. Leave it up to her when to retreat.
In all respects, if you treat this almost like making friends with a strange dog, you’ll not go too far wrong. There’re years of expectations, beliefs (some true, some false), fantasies, and emotions built up around this reunion, on both sides, and there’re bound to be land mines and booby traps. Go slow and you’ll trigger fewer of them.
Good luck and God bless!
I have been through this and the advice to ‘go slow’ is very, very sound. Consider corresponding before actually meeting, leave this option open for her, regardless of how you feel. Hold the rest of the family (already actively involved, it seems), at bay, and let the two participants be the only players until you’re certain she’s comfortable with more.
Leave time to process between encounters. Prepare to repeat yourself, you remember your family stories, in part, because you’ve heard then so often.
She’s going to want to know about any siblings / half siblings she may have, she will want to know about grandparents, she will want to see your baby photos. But most importantly she will want to know who she looks likes and did you every think of her. Tell her, often, she cannot hear it enough, that she sort of look like ??? and that you thought of her once for every star in the night sky.
I know it seems like a family affair, but initially and perhaps longer, depending, this should be exclusively about and between her and her father. Eagerness and enthusiasm of waiting Aunts, Uncles and Gparents, notwithstanding. Respect that.
And good luck to you all, you’re in for the ride of your lives!
She called me first thing this morning. I have spoken to her several times today. My brother talked to her and to say it was a disaster is an understatement. Her mother does not know that she was looking for him, or that we found her. My brother is adamant that her mother know.
I’ve tried humanizing my brother to her, he can be pretty direct. Evidently, their first phone call was like having two gladiators in a ring, one with a lifetime of hurt feelings and another with half a lifetime of loss.
Even so, her first question to me when she called me back was “What would happen if I showed up at his door?” She was concerned that the other children would be jealous of her, that it might cause a problem. I told her she’d be first mauled by two golden retrievers (she said she loves goldens) and then by three kids, their mother, my mother and her father. That she isn’t a secret and never has been.
She thinks she’s had a deadbeat dad. She doesn’t know my brother did exactly what her mother wanted him to do, no matter the cost to himself. He will continue to do what her mother wants. No parent worth their salt goes against what a good mother thinks is best for their child.
I told her he has a very clear sense of what is right and wrong, mostly because he has done a lot of wrong in his life and he’s spent most of his life making up for it. She said she’d like to see evidence of that.
I asked her if she still likes chocolate muffins. She stopped for a minute and said “I have one for breakfast every morning.”
Absolutely correct. Even if she’s over 18, her mother needs to know. Things like this CANNOT be kept secret, trying to do so is would be fuck-up #1.
Don’t lay it on too thick. Bare, unvarnished observations are best - If he’s blunt, tell her so. Let her decide how she feels about that.
Landmines. Ouch.
There’ll be more of this. A LOT more.
Good answer. Still advise her that it would be a chancy thing, at least until she’s got some more background, and has had time to deal with the dichotomy between her view of him, and what really happened.
Y’all are fighting aginst 16 years of belief and indoctrination. This one will be very hard to resolve, and you’re going to need to be patient. DON’T PUSH. Give her the evidence, let her process it. When she’s done & ready, let her see the evidence again.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Time and exposure will show her the truth. You are not, short of massive documentation, going to get past this distrust issue any time soon. And if you had the massive documentation, you’d wind up ruining her relationship with her mother… No one would thank you for that.
No, you’ll just have to deal with it. You’ll get lots more practice, I’m sure, as time progresses. :rolleyes:
Score one for old, good, memories.
Not crying! I am NOT CRYING, IN MY OFFICE!!! It’s . . . allergies!!!
Well, I just teared up.
Twice.
You all have a lot of work ahead of you to mend fences…but you knew that. It sure sounds like everyone involved is willing to put that work in. My gut tells me this will have a very happy ending.