I have got a lot going on in my mind recently. This thread could have been about how much I’m hoping to join the Special Constabulary. But it’s not. It could have been about how I have been prelimarily matched to donate Bone Marrow. But it’s not. It’s not because those weren’t the reasons why I went for a two hour walk in the middle of the night, why I stood in front of the cathedral trying to clear my mind only to come back home and find I couldn’t sleep for 2 more hours. The reason why I did those things was because of my sister.
Let me give you a little history lesson. I have never known my father, and my father has never wanted to know me. He came to see me the day I was born and was gone before he could even sign the birth certificate. He has purposely gone out of his way in the past to avoid seeing me and I accepted the fact that I had no father and that I would never want to meet that man. Now here’s the problem:
He met another woman, they got married a couple of years later and had a baby girl. My half-sister. It was a fact my mother had always shared with me and that was fine. He had his family and I had my mother and everything was fine. And now I’m 18 years old and I’m laying wide awake in bed trying to picture her face and I can’t because I have never met her. And I really want to meet her but I know I can’t without some problems.
Firstly I think she doesn’t even know I exist. If my father was that determined never to meet me, why would he tell her of this “non-existant” half-brother of hers. How many problems could that create in her life to just make out her daddy is a liar and a deserter?
Secondly, I live in the UK. My father’s “new” family emigrated to Canada a few years back. So we’re not talking about a quick train to meet her. I feel like it’s something that should be done in person but it’s obviously out of the question.
Thirdly, despite the cross-continental jump I know I can find their address through some contacts of my mother’s. That means talking to my mother about it. Don’t get me wrong I know I should tell my mother about this and if I go through with it I will but I don’t want to put her through any unnecessary pain by making her feel like I’m leaving her for him. She has always said she would support me if I wanted to meet him. But I know she would hurt because of it. Also her contacts are also his contacts which meansany attempt to talk to my sister would go through him first and I don’t want that. I want to be able to reach her if he says no and I want her to hear my side of the story before he can defend himself. I know it sounds callous but I know how kids look up to their parents and how I will appear to be a stranger to them.
So I come to you, my fellow Dopers in need of guidance and advice.
Should I try and get in contact with her?
Does anyone have any experience in these matters?
Does anyone know of any alternative ways of finding her? (legal of course)
I have a surname. She’s younger than me (about 15-17)
Wow! Unfortunately, I’m not going to be much help here; I do think you should try to contact her. I’m not seeing how you mom is going to be hurt like this: it’s not that you want to contact your father, who intentionally abandoned you. You want to meet your sister, who probably doesn’t even know you exist. Why would that hurt her? I think you should try to enlist your mother as your ally in this endeavor.
Well, there is always Google. You know your father’s name, so you can search for him. Very few people have absolutly no web-presence. Maybe he has a website with pictures of his family. Look for the one who is young and a girl. Maybe there are pictures on his office web site of a work picnic or something.
Look up schools in the area that they live and see if they have anything online in the way of pictures. If she is smart (and I assume that Dopers have smart families) maybe she has won some award that would be posted with a picture. Of course, if your last name is Smith or Jones or Baker or something, that could be much harder.
I hope that gets you thinking about alternate ways…I’ll let you know if I come up with anything else.
Wait a few years until she’s 18+. Then it’s a matter between two adults. The facts she’s currently a minor inevitably means your father will get involved and have rights in deciding what happens. It also means she’ll be more mature and able to make an informed decision that suits her, rather than following any pressure applied one way or another.
It could also be she’s too young to have this landed on her lap. Teenage years have enough strife without anything extra.
But that shouldn’t stop you putting in some ground work. Finding out her full name and discussing it with your Mother would be a good start. You’re going to need an ally.
My mother has had some bad experiences in the past with male, particularly father, figures. That is one thing. Another is that I feel she may not truly believe I only want to meet my sister. Many children would want to know where they came from and maybe she feels that I will be drawn away from her because of that.
To quote Futile Gesture:
When I was her age I wasn’t exactly at my emotional peak. I would have not been ready for something quite like a long lost sibling. I don’t want to upset her life if it’s going well either.
I am going to do a quick google and see if anything jumps out and says “Hey it’s your sister!” and I’m going home next week which gives me a good time to sit down with mummy and do some serious talking.
Thanks a lot to everyone. Please keep ideas coming in. Does anyone know a good way of refining the search for Canada only?
Well I have a friend who had that bomb dropped on her at age 17. Her father informed her that she had a half-brother out there somewhere who is just a little older than she is. She was surprised, shocked, and most of all amazed that her dad could keep it secret for so long. I think she felt that it distanced her from her father. I also know she isn’t close with her “new” brother, in fact I don’t know if they ever even contacted each other.
That’s all I have to contribute. Take what you will from my little story.
My son’s father left us when he was a little 'un. Sperm donor and I have not had the best of relationships since. He’s an idiot, a deadbeat and a loser. I live in fear of the day the phone will ring and his voice will be on the other end, because he has the legal right to see our son, and that will tear our son to little bits. (Well, seeing him may not, but seeing him, getting to know him and then having the jerk stop returning his phone calls and “forgetting” to pick him up for visitation will.)
All that being said, I too have told my son, “Whenever you decide to want to get in contact with him, let me know.”
And I mean it 100%. I’m not dumb. My relationship issues with the jerk are just that: my issues. I know that sooner or later, my son is bound to have questions, to be curious about that part of his existence. And it’s just fine. He isn’t choosing him over me - it has nothing to do with me. It has to do with him (my son) and who he is and where he came from. I’m only half of that.
Do I think my son will determine that his father is a putz? Yeah, probably. But better that than build a picture of perfection in his mind: “If only I lived with my dad, I’d have Playstation and X-Box and my own car!” or even a picture of evil: “My dad must be the worst person in the world!” The truth is of course somewhere in between.
So if your mom has said it, she might just mean it. She’s gotta be pretty cool to have raised a cool person like you for a son, right? Trust her at her word and enlist her help. Otherwise, you’ll feel all sneaky and weird about it.
Aww, don’t go saying things like this to me. You’ll make a grown man cry. Seriously though since I “committed” to find as much as I could about her (and him) as I could I’ve been literally shaking. I just can’t believe how much this means to me.
Not what I wanted to hear but a fine example of what I have feared. I want to get to know her, though. I want her to know that her big brother is here for her and is just a phonecall or an email away. I want her to know that even though I’ve never met her that I love her and that she can turn to me whenever and all the typical big brother stuff that goes with that. I want her to have that extra support I (being raised as an only child) wanted.
And you can call me _ticky if you want but Ticky looks a wee bit better
I did a quick name search on goggle canada. No luck. Tried the Canadian yellow pages and came up with 4 possibles (unusual last name) all in ON which I think means Ontario? Then I tried a few more websites and I found a picture of daddy…didn’t help things much. I’ll keep you all informed.
Your story is similar to my son’s. He last saw his bio-dad when he was 4. (He’s 20 now.) I remarried and basically told his deadbeat dad to f*** off. We had been divorced for 2 years, and he barely paid any child support, never came to see him, etc. I remarried when P (my son) was 4. P’s adopted dad died 2 years ago, and P suddenly got interested in his half-sister. I can’t remember when we told him about her, but it was several years before that. He always hated his Bio-dad for abandoning him, even though I had told P I made him go away. (I know it wasn’t legal for me to do that, but he jumped on the chance, believe me.)
Anyway, I knew Bio-dad had remarried, and had a daughter, and then divorced her. Since he asked, I took a chance and googled for his wife’s name, hoping she hadn’t remarried. P absolutely did NOT want me to try to find Bio-dad. Anyway, I found the new wife’s number and called her, after asking P if that’s what he wanted. He did, and new wife talked to Brandy, the sister, and it was agreed that P would call Brandy. They talk often on the phone. He is 20, and she is about 16. She lives in another city, and hasn’t met her yet, but they want to.
I always felt that if I had a sibling out there, I sure would want to meet them. So I did not take offense, or feel abandoned by my son. I’m sure your mother won’t either.
FWIW, I have to endorse this. You are 18 (legally an adult in some matters, not others). Your sister is a minor any way you cut it. If you know, or suspect, that your father would be adverse to any contact, he could make things miserable, and your sister would probably resent you.
Wait until she is a full-fledged adult - 21 in the US, I suspect, but do not know, that Canada follows the same common law definition of adult.
Well, I’ve been working up the courage to speak to my mother. I’ve got a long weekend planned so if I don’t do it then I’ll probably never do it. She knows something’s up, which is one reason I love my mum. I spoke to her today and she could sense it in my voice.
Anyway I spent pretty much all of today googling away. I tried to cross-reference possible schools with the addresses I found online. No way of searching for students and those with pictures had none with a girl by that surname. He definitely has no webpages of the family or for business etc. The only definite link to him so far has been through Friends Reunited and that was just the dumb picture from 20 years ago. I also tried Yahoo! and Hotmail member directories and there were too many results to even consider. Nothing spectacular which means I may have to rely on my mother, which I don’t really want to do. Maybe she knows something that can help me search further.
See 18 I could just about handle. That would be in about 3 years, at worst. But 21 could be as long as 6 years! A lot can happen in 6 years. I don’t want to miss 6 more years of her life.
My point was that, at 21, the father would have no recourse (except of bad-mouthing you, and much more likely, turning your sister away from you). Since you are dealing with different legal systems, run the “contact at 18 vs. 21” issue by a lawyer, ideally an expert in family law in both you and your sister’s jurisdiction, but, failing that, one who know Canadian family law forward and backwards.
Again, make the first contact as low-key and non-threatening and inobtrusive as possible. She may not ever know she has a half-brother, and you don’t want to spook her, or anger your (shared) father.
I’ll keep you all informed.