Hello, long-time lurker here.
I have a daughter from a previous marriage. The period after the divorce was very bitter, and my ex kept me from seeing my daughter as much as possible. When the going got tough, I rolled over and played dead and ended up signing away my parental rights to my daughter to my ex-wife. For all intents, she is gone forever now.
However, I did not do so with the thought of walking away forever. It was my intent from the beginning to find her again someday.
I am now 2/3 of the way through the time until my daughter is 18 (14 years wait total) and I miss her like mad. I would find her now if I could, but I realize meeting her could really mess up the head of a 13 year old, and finding her would just be a selfish act on my part, not to mention the legal trouble I would get into.
Here is the part where I need the input of the Dopers. Should I still continue with my intent to find her again at 18? Would that still be as selfish as finding her now would be? Should I just let her live her life out without finding her again, or wait for her to find me? Giving her up was a big mistake, I should have fought harder. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I want to see her again one day, but I do not want to cause distress in her life. Lately, the thought of her is weighing on me more than normal. Your opinions on the matter are appreciated, Dopers. I have rolled this problem around in my head until I no longer have a clear perspective on it.
My wife didn’t even know that her stepdad was her stepdad until she was 12. As soon as she turned 18, she started looking for him. She found him when she was 19. The compared stories to what they had been told and what they knew, and found out that, while he was stupid to have not fought for parental rights, her mother was a liar.
They are very very close now. She’s 29.
In fact, we moved 3000 miles to be near him.
So, while I can’t help much now, I can say that when she’s 18, she deserves to know, at least, that you are there, and you want to be part of her life. She may say no, but you will have tried. In the end, that’s what would make you able to look at yourself in the mirror.
Thanks. That’s very encouraging.
I think the drive for a kid to know their parents no matter what and vice-versa is very strong. Not much bad can come from it if one or both parties are well-intended. I was there when my step-sister found out accidentally at age 17 that she was the result of donated sperm (he supposed father died a few years before). The wheels immediately started turning about how she could find her “real” dad starting at age 18. I think the risks of slinking away are exponentially worse than just dusting yourself off and being the best father you can be now all things taken into consideration.
I agree. You seem to have your daughter’s best interest at heart, and putting her through more legal wrangling now may not be the best thing for her. When she is 18 and there is nothing your ex-wife can do to stop you, by all means try to contact her. Discreetly; you don’t want to cause her problems with her mother. Even if she decides she doesn’t want any contact with you at first, she may change her mind later. And you will know that you tried.
I have zero experience from which to offer advice.
But, to suggest the following scenario: Rather than thinking of it as “finding your daughter”, rather you first view it as “contacting your ex”. You first need to find your ex-wife and write to ask her, explaining how you feel. The two of you may have parted horribly, with her hating your guts, but that was 14 years ago (as I understand it.) But make sure that you say that you are 1) asking first whether she thinks your daughter would be able to take it, and if so, 2) whether you have her permission. And make sure on your part to be mentally ready to accept a “no” on either of those items as meaning you have to, and will wait four more years.l
And she will know that you tried also, and that’s important.
Legally, I am not supposed to have any contact with any of them for any reason. Not sure what the punishment would be.
I have considered what you suggest.
My ex is now divorced from her husband after me, and he is now playing the role of “divorced dad” to my daughter. I have thought about contacting him, because I always considered him a reasonable enough fellow, but I don’t know.
How exactly does one go about signing away their parental rights? What is the legal mechanism?
That’s a tough problem, jay. On the one hand, you don’t want to butt in where you’re not wanted (and legally not welcome), but on the other hand, you don’t want your daughter to spend the rest of her life thinking that you just walked away from her without a second thought.
Could you answer a question for me (and feel free to disregard it - it’s very personal) - why were you legally excluded from your daughter and ex-wife’s lives?
I’ve been estranged from my father for more than 20 years (I’m 36). Despite the fact that I’ve mostly come to terms with the “situation”, it would still actually mean something to me if my father suddenly showed some semblance of regard towards me. Pretty sad, eh? Despite 20 years of indifference, it would still be a pretty big deal to me if my father just called me and said hi or something. I’m otherwise a pretty well-ajusted guy - white collar job, nice family, etc. but in a very big way I’m broken inside because my father just plain doesn’t care about me. Bah.
In my father-in-laws case, it was that he threw away the paperwork he received when the ex girlfriend started adoption proceedings. That’s all it took. He has since apologized… 
Make a webpage detailing your plight. Get friends to link to it using her name.
Wait for her to vanity search Google.
I’m curious too. Was it a condition set in exchange for not having to pay child support? In that case I’d want to be sure I wasn’t going to suddenly become responsible for child support by making contact.
Have you spoken or written to your ex-wife at all since the divorce? I’d write to her. She may just throw your letter away, or she might read it. At least you tried. She may be receptive to the idea now that there’s no father figure in her daughters life and feel she needs one. It wouldn’t hurt to try.
I’m so sorry. I know deep down you know that it has nothing to do with you, and it’s his problem and he’s the one missing out. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Shame is probably keeping him from contacting you, and it he should be ashamed.
The only thing worse than not knowing who your father is,or why he isn’t in your life, is knowing that he did nothing but bring you harm.
I’m a 38 year old woman who just had her first child, a daughter. The loss in my life has made me insure that she will have the opportunity to be “daddy’s little girl.” It is the only thing that has eased my own personal pain at not having it.
Ahah.
Well then, as a Law Fearin Man, all I can say is that legally you can’t contact them. So don’t.
Asking what consequences those are might be a good thing however.
I suspect that 1010011010’s advice to create a web page is about all you can do right now.
Have you talked to a lawyer about if there’s any way to get in contact now without running afoul of the law?
I definitely agree that you should get in touch with you daughter again sooner or later, because I’m sure that if she knows the truth about what happened she has a lot of unanswered questions and would benefit from hearing what you were thinking and feeling. Personally, I think if I could find a way to get in touch now I would try to do it if I were you.
There is no way to know what the future holds and I wouldn’t want to end up missing out on the opportunity to try to settle things. While the teen years are definitely volatile, I don’t see any harm coming in knowing at the very least that you didn’t forget her and still care about her.
I’m sorry that you are going through this sad situation. I’m sure this is very hard for you. 
This is just off the top of my head, here, but you might want to get in touch with a lawyer. Your parental rights probably can’t be restored, and maybe shouldn’t be, given the time elapsed, but at least you’d know what the situation would be when your daughter comes of age. It’s not a bad thing to have actual information.
The other suggestion I have is to start keeping a journal, or writing letters to your daughter. She can’t have them now, but when or if you do get back in contact with her she’ll be able to see how you’ve been feeling, and she’ll know that it wasn’t a sudden decision. Maybe she’ll be able to see that you didn’t just abandon her. And it will give you something positive to do while you wait, if waiting is all you really can do.