It’s not sad.
One of the deepest human emotions is the parent-child bond. When things go wrong, normal people feel the intense loss, even if they don’t outwardly show it.
That was my thought as well.
You may not be able to contact your ex or daughter, but a mediator or attorney might - however, if your ex tends to run to bat-shit crazy, I’d recommend just waiting until you can legally leave her out of the picture. Right now your daughter probably knows almost nothing about you. You don’t want your ex-wife spending five years priming her with stories so when you can establish contact your daughter sees you as evil.
My father’s bio father signed away his rights and my grandfather adopted my dad. My dad grew up believing that his bio dad had “just taken off one day” and never had any contact. Truth appears to be that my grandmother did the taking off - from halfway across the country, and that his bio-dad spent years sending birthday cards and gifts without ever getting a response - gifts and cards my father didn’t see. When my grandmother remarried and her new husband wanted to adopt my Dad, his bio father saw that as the best possible thing for my Dad and signed away rights. He probably made the right decision, but my Dad spent years believing the man abandoned him without further contact or regret.
Well, I’ll be the odd one out, I guess… My parents divorced when I was five or six. My dad came around for a while, but with less and less frequency. I believe I was about nine the last time I saw him. When I graduated high school, I sent an announcement to his last known address, just for the heck of it, but it came back.
A sad tale, I guess, only…I can’t say that I ever really missed him. Or at least, I don’t remember it. I had a good life and my mom and grandma were more than sufficient. I may not have turned out to be the shiniest crayon in the toolshed or whatever, but if anyone’s to be blamed for that, let it be The Evil Stepdad.
If my Dad ever did turn up again, it’d be more of a tiresome bore than an answer to prayer. I don’t presume to speak for your daughter, but I’d say there’s a chance she’s got other things on her mind than wondering about you.
The advice to speak to a lawyer is sound.
My ex had moved within driving distance from me without ever telling me. Once I found out, I wanted to exercise my court granted weekend visitations, holiday visitations, etc. asap. Before she had lived too far to drive, so I would fly in when I could afford to.
Anyway, instead of visitations I got a lot of no one at home when I came to visit and restraining orders. Finally, a court got me a confirmed date I could visit my daughter on a certain day. We all met at an amusement park. She got scared on a ride we went on. They snatched her away from me, and the next papers I received from her lawyer accused me of child abuse. They waved some relinquishment of parental rights papers under my nose and I crumbled.
My ex signed over his rights to his first two children (and never told me). My son looked up his sisters shortly before his father died. The kids saw him on his deathbed. They see their mom’s second husband as their father and refer to my ex by his first name. I think the kids were probably glad they saw him before he died.
As a side note, he didn’t pay child support (or much attention) to my son, either. When he had his fourth child, he sort of had to pay more attention because she was a terrible mother. That kid was 10 when the ex died and he ended up in the foster system.
Another estranged daughter here…my father never once wanted me after he found out I was female. He never even checked to see if I lived or grew up or what, and then he died.
He’s not much in my thoughts but I occasionally wonder if he ever spared a thought for the child he fathered and left. I also hope you at least contact her and give her the chance to reject you if she wants. And she may reject you at first, only to come around later.
I’d say get in touch with her when she’s 18, or try to. You both deserve at least the effort.
Yep, that’s what I thought too. Write out how much you miss her like crazy and how hard it is waiting and wondering what the best thing to do for her is. She can read it later and know the truth.
Yeah, I have spoken to a lawyer. It is as permanent as anything gets.
Once she is 18, I am free to contact her.
I try to keep what a reunion might be like in perspective. I like to think of it going well, but I know that may not be the case. I surely want to see her, but who says she wants to see me, or needs me in her life at that point? That’s why I could see contacting her as a selfish act.
I think of contacting her now, not to spill the beans that I’m her father, but just to say hello and ask how she is, so that years later she can’t wonder why I never tried to contact her even once. But she is 13 now, and a teenagers pysche is fragile, and any disruption I cause could be profound.
I am emboldened that so many say I should contact her when she is of age. If you all are still on the board in 2011, I will tell you how it went.
My wife’s father tracked her down after several years following her parents’ breakup (her batshit mother wouldn’t let him see the kids, and burned all the birthday and Christmas cards and presents he sent - after taking the cash).
It was the happiest day for her when they reunited, and they’re very close now, more than 10 years later. However, the same isn’t true for all her siblings; the important thing was that they at least had the chance to accept/reject him. I do suggest you wait until she’s older, though.
Meanwhile, even though you have no legal parental rights, you can attend to some of your parental responsibilities and begin to anticipate some of the needs she will have at age eighteen, including funding for education.
Tabby
Are you planning to be a father to her? Are you going to live in her hometown and help parent her? Or are you just going to pop in and out of her life? IMHO, popping in and out would cause her more harm than not contacting her at all.
All or nothing. I would suggest you contact a lawyer to see about your rights.
No, it’s far too late for that. The best I can hope for is that we can be friends when she is an adult. THe time to be a father is long gone.
The popping in and out is one of the reasons I chose to sign the papers at the time - I wanted her to have a peaceful childhood and not be caught between to warring parents.
As for all or nothing, just a school picture would be great.
If you want to try to contact her now, I suggest you keep a diary instead. This thread won’t be around on the Internet in 5 more years, but you could keep a record of all the times you thought of her and wished you could have talked, you can talk about her mother (nicely!) and what made you fall in love with her in the first place.
Women appreciate words as much as actions, in my limited experience, so that might have some meaning for her later, should you ever have the chance to speak with her.
Just don’t make it, you know, creepy and stalkerish. Don’t put anything in it that you could be prosecuted over.
I recommend you write it by hand on real paper.
A very good friend of mine signed away his parental rights to his three kids after he and their mother were divorced. (It was much more complicated than that, but I’ll spare you the details.) Fast forward to 15+ years later, when the kids are in their 20’s. He get’s an email one day from the oldest.
It seems that their childhood had not been the ideal he was led to believe it was going to be when he signed over his rights. Their mother and step-father got divorced (and, no, he decided NOT to adopt the kids afterall), and shortly thereafter, the mom reactivated her alcholism habits and the kids pretty much coasted through their teen years until they were old enough to start hanging out on their own.
My friend has never said, “I wish I hadn’t signed out of their lives”, but he’s alluded to it. The kids were evidently not better off without him, but we’ll never know for sure. He has a relationship with them now, but I’m pretty sure there’s a part of him that thinks, “I wish I would have maintained contact…”
I say contact the mother. Talk to her and tell her you miss your daughter, but I’d reassure her that you just want to know your daughter, not march in and take over her life. The worst she could do is say, “No way”, and then you’d be stuck waiting until your daughter turned 18–which is what you might do anyway.
No, the worst she can do is say “no way” and spend the next five years poisoning her daughter against him. This is a women who thought being scared at an amusement park warrented a charge of child abuse - I don’t want to think of what she tells the girl happened when she was little.
Right now, chances are pretty good that he faded from Mom’s top five rant list before the girl got old enough for too many memories. Not a good thing to get back up there.
I’m sure there are 1,000 details we don’t know, but I’d say contact the mother too.
Tell her a little about your current life situation (assuming it’s something you should be telling), tell her you think of your daughter often and wonder how she’s doing. Assure her you don’t expect anything. But maybe, especially if the daughter knows about you, something could be worked out.
She’s only 13. You have plenty of opportunity to be a father to her, especially during these years when she’s noticing boys and being noticed by boys.
But, as I said, it has to be all or nothing. If you can only be her friend then I wouldn’t bother. She doesn’t need a friend…she needs a daddy. Unless your ex has remarried?
Yes, she has remarried and divorced again. My daughter thinks her ex-husband is her father. He is now in the “divorced dad” position with my ex that I was in.