LOTR Limerick Smackdown: Summarise A Novel In A Limerick

The Compson kin hardly are pure,
With obsessions well past any cure:
Benjy moans Caddy’s name,
his bros wallow in shame,
and all Dilsey can do is endure.

Uh. I was clearly going for the novelization of Die Hard.

[sub]slinks off to write “I will actually read the OP” 100 times.[/sub]

Ask and ye shall recieve.

Roger Ackroyd’s dead as a doornail,
But Poirot’s instincts are without fail.
In this ingenious thriller
We discover the killer

Is the one who is telling the tale!

Wilbur the swine wasn’t big
on headlining the dinnertime gig.
An N. domiciliorum
said “Fern, don’t ignore 'im:
that sus scrofa is really Some Pig.”

His childhood the army would steal
As he trained for the coming ordeal
'Gainst an alien plot
He avoided the thought
That this game was disturbingly real.

Bigwig and Hazel and Fiver
had skills like Crusoe and McGuyver.
With the help of a seagull
they unleashed the beagle.
But did General Woundwort survive her?

Adam Trask had a servent named Lee
An evil whore was his pretty wife Cathy
His good pal named Samual
Was wise as a camel
Read Genesis- it’s really the same thin’

Cervantes was caught by the Spaniards
They threw him in jail, those bastards!
He cunningly made
Don Quixote a play
I don’t think he ever said “bean curd”

Poor Humbert, who feigned love for Charlotte,
when she dies makes her daughter a harlot.
But alas he’s found guilty
of shooting old Quilty
for making the nymphette a starlet.

Norrell’s library: quite camoflagic
Strange’s marriage: turned suddenly tragic
She’s a gentleman’s cherie
(And now Black’s king of Faerie)
The return of ye olde English magic?

Case Sensitive, obviously you have found my weakness – classic literature combined with lowbrow verse – the best of both worlds!

I’ve enjoyed all the posts so far, especially Gorsnak’s Moby Dick, NoPretentiousCodename’s Animal Farm, and ArchiveGuy’s The Sound and the Fury.

One more before I retire for the day…

Jake Barnes, that nutless guerrero,
lost his love to a handsome torero.
His final regret
is he could have had Brett
if he were, shall we say, mas entero.

A hack sci-fi writer named Trout,
Shows Dwane Hoovler what life is about.
Creeks pestilential…
Hotels existential…
And when the lithium’s gone, watch out!

Young Wagstaff and Chworktap the 'bot
Flew the Hwang Ho to every spot
He’d ask natives “Why
Do we all suffer and die?”

Till Old Bingo’s burped answer: “Why not?”

Winston Smith’s rebel acts weren’t deluxe –
Furtive thoughtcrime, occasional fucks –
Yet in Big Brother’s slammer
He came under the hammer
Oceanian life really sucks!

After Lady Door’s strong assertion:
“The Old Firm’s attempting coercion!”
Dick finds out the hard way
Trapped Below with no say
And (worse?) he’s just Neil’s self-insertion.
Becky’s scaled up to Vanity Fair
With just bluffs and a capable air
Rawdon’s off on campaign
She falls out with Lord Steyne
Jos Sedley, my good man, beware!

A few hundred people in Russia
Periodically invaded Prussia
And morons and sages
filled the next thousand pages
And it’s not easy to summarize this so you husha!

The Ithikan sailor Ulysses
couldn’t tell just where Greece is
According to Homer
He was quite a roamer
He just wanted to get back to the missus.

There was a new professor at the university, Ms. Christina Bright by name. She insisted that her students call her Ms. Bright, but her friends on the faculty simply called her “C.”* It was rumored amongst the students that she was involved in a hush-hush government project, but when asked about it she always said “It’s a Time Machine!” Everyone laughed, because everyone knew that time travel was impossible. Little did they know…

Oh, wait. Make a novel into a limerick
never mind.

  • There’s a possible pun here regarding traveling faster than C, and another M. C. and her carpentry tools, but I’ll let both pass.

Van’s dad had an estate and he ran it
Van could diddle Jess, Kim, Blanche, and Janet
But not Ada, his sister
In floramors, how he missed her
And some say it was all a new planet.

{With deepest apologies to Qagdop the Mercotan}

J.R.R. Tolkien’s nit-picking son
Published everything Dad left half-done
With Daddy’s’ waste-basket
His manuscript casket
Well, they’re QtM’s idea of fun

There once was a Civil War nurse
who wrote scandalous chapters of verse.
Never done with his edits,
he coudn’t put it to bed, it’s
a shame… the book kept getting worse!