Poor guy gets in just the right position and there’s an epic failure to stay erect. 
Then the lady leaves him struggling in the mud.
Romance is not all its cracked up to be.
This tortoise gets interrupted by a tv host. Slow Motion chase ensues. Imagine getting chased by an angry and horny tortoise . Priceless. 
At least they know what other tortoises look like:
N/m
One day my boss came to work complaining that his two male tortoises were fighting over the female. He said they had been fighting for days and wouldn’t stop. I suggested he buy a perfume with pheromones in it to fool one male into thinking the other was a female. I was just bsing but he came back a few days later and said it worked like a charm but now the male was trying to mate with the other male. Not sure if he was BSing me in return or not.
Great. Just Great.
Now the whole damn world knows how my Saturday Eharmony date went.
Bastards.
three hours later and no witty puns? You guys are slipping. 
My advice to the tortoise. Hang in there dude, you shell over cum.
Well, he really tortoise a thing or two.
It’s a tortoise for gosh sake; we’ll get there in a month or two. Chill. Or bask; your choice. But do it slooooowly.
btw, what are those two nut bag things below his neck? very noticeable when he’s on his back. I know it’s not his nut sack. wrong end
Poor guy. Utter failure at the worst moment.
“I haven’t seen people around here so worked up since Frank Gotch and Strangler Lewis lay on the mat for three and a half hours without moving a muscle. Wow, that was exciting!”
