Ditto for everyone Alice said, Rushgeekgirl. I’m sure you’ll be able to do what you need to in order to make a good life for your self and your daughter.
Wow. What a sad situation. I feel bad for all three of you (even though I think he is responsible for his poor choices, it is still sad that things turned out this way because it sounds like he really has wrecked his life). You might want to start a new thread about all this so that others may see this and be able to give better advice about how to get help with managing things. Maybe some dopers in TN will have some ideas about what to do about the dogs and finding a place to stay.
I think you are totally justified in not wanting to deal with all this chaos anymore. Your daughter doesn’t need to grow up this way. You both deserve to be able to live in a stable and secure environment.
Aw Rush, I’m so sorry to hear that things are so hard right now. As I’m sure you already know, this too will pass.
In the meantime, here’s what looks like a pretty comprehensive list of resources (emergency housing, women’s resources, etc.) in the Memphis area… Not sure if anything would be suited to your specific situation, but if you found something close and called, I bet they could direct you to the right place: http://www.hud.gov/local/tn/homeless/shelters.cfm
Holding good thoughts for you and your children.
My heart goes out to you. If this thread helps get your feelings and thoughts down in a clearer, more realistic way, that’s great. Maybe it will help you find the path that leads you to the personal strength you need.
I lived with an alcoholic and meth addict for over three years. He was good person, brilliant muscian, kind and I will say the drug never made him mean or abusive. He did lie to cover the extent of his addiction on several occasions (often “losing” money that we needed, pawning my possessions, etc). However, I realized at some point that he didn’t want to recover and that his addictions were such that he would have to want it for himself. I know he loved me very much and when I first left him, I thought we could remain friends but there came a time when I broke it off completely and no longer returned his calls. He badly wanted to get back together, went through the motions of “recovery” but I knew it was not going to be any different without professional help. That was ten years ago and I was informed by his family recently that he committed suicide earlier this year. I do wish I could have managed to keep in contact with him but I don’t see how I could have. I found out about his death the day after his memorial service but I would have attended. We had some good memories and he was in many ways a loving and good person but the drugs and alcohol had taken him over well before I met him. I look back on it as the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, getting involved with him in the first place, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the intelligent, kind and talented person he was.
Could you expand on this? I’ve heard others say this and am curious why this is.
That’s a topic for a whole 'nuther thread. Rather than derail this one, I’ll just say that the cravings were more subtle and more persistent. Opiates were a monkey on my back. Nicotine was a siren song in my ear.
Rushgeekgirl…I am so sorry.
I lived with an alcoholic boyfriend years ago, for almost three years. And my father was an alcoholic (it killed him: liver cancer) as am I (I ditto the sentiment that quitting nicotine is the toughest of all to break; I still smoke) and over the years I have been close to a heroin addict, a meth addict and a few other alcoholics. A very good friend of mine almost died recently from liver toxicity; he spent two weeks detoxing in hospital and is almost 90 days sober now…hopefully sobriety will stick for him this time.
What I have learned: you can’t help an addict stop using. You just can’t. Trite and timeworn advice holds true in my experience: the addicted person has to want to stop for him or herself, and all you can do is offer support when needed and be ready to stand aside and let the addict crash on their own, without getting too emotionally involved. (RIP Amy Winehouse.)
Please don’t get back with him. It’s never going to get easier to do but this is the perfect time to break it off for good. Your daughter wants to know when you’re going to go get him----even tho she saw what all went on. Doesn’t that tell you what she’s learning? that this is to be accepted? But it’s not acceptable, for her or for you. Being a woman AND having a child puts you in the most apt part of society to be helped…1) your local domestic abuse program (yes, claim it) will give you a place to stay until you get on your feet. (they’ll even give you & your daughter proper clothes. 2) They, & social workers, will help you get training for a job & possbly even find a job for you. 3) go to DCF. not only will they help you with food (not just SNAP but “emergency” food right now,) they’ll also help pay your phone bill & can steer you toward getting help wth your light bill. You will have support everywhere you look, just ask for it & take ppl’s suggestions. A year from now you’re going to be 41 yrs old, taking care of a child NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. Don’t you want to be “doing better”? sry, just noticed I’ve somehow typed inside your post, but have typed too much to do over. Please take this opportunity to have a better life. Best of luck to you.
(also, I just took the leap & learned how to copy & paste)
Another seconding the “don’t go back”. He’s in the process of hitting rock bottom - and you & your daughter do NOT need to be caught up in it. Local churchs sometimes can assist with clothing and food… . Make the calls others have suggested above and use this terrible situation to start building a better life for yourself and your daughter.
{{{hugs}}}
Thanks everybody.
For now I guess I don’t have to worry about getting back with him because he’s still tucked away in jail. The arraignment was this morning and his bond is 7500 dollars. Before that it was just 1500 and several of his friends and his brother got together and wanted to go see a bail bondsman. I don’t know if they could have accomplished that…honestly I don’t even really know how all that stuff works. But anyway, once they did the arraignment that became impossible, and I’m honestly glad. It will give me time to get myself used to this. He hasn’t called me since Saturday night when he thought I could just come on down and pick him up.
I have been blessed with some great friends and family so I’m building a support system. I am missing him, and I realize it’s normal. I miss the good stuff. There was a lot of it, which is why it’s so hard. Just those little things like the casual back scratches as he walked by, and the snuggling at night. I’d say 70 percent of the time we were a happy loving couple but lately it’s dropped down considerably. But there was still a lot of affection and a quiet sort of rhythm to our evenings I miss. And he has this huge garden that I can’t even get to because he never put in a gate; he just jumps right over the fence. I don’t know how much water it needs or if it needs food or the insect stuff. He’s just really left me with a pile of shit to deal with here.
And it’s killing me trying to explain to our daughter. She cried today because her daddy plays with her every night at least a little while. I tried to make up for it, but it’s not the same. He’s the rough and tumble type, carrying her around on his shoulders and getting her to “help” him work on little projects. I don’t know if he can’t or won’t call back, but if he could I sure wish he would so she could hear his voice. He’s sitting there in jail thinking it’s so bad for him, but he’s getting free room and board at least. He doesn’t have to worry about how the rent will be paid. I don’t even know if he’s even considered what this is doing to me. The alcohol has him so self-absorbed it’s like he doesn’t think of anything else.
I applied at the employment office today with my daughter and her girlfriend and requested a change form from the Dept. of Human Services. It shouldn’t be too hard to get assistance since they already have my youngest in the system for Tenncare. I applied for disability for her so I’m waiting to hear back about that. I was told it’s not likely she’ll get it because she isn’t delayed enough, even with autism. I don’t know if they tell everyone that so they have to appeal with a lawyer or what but it sure would help with her needs. We’re always buying one thing or another at her therapists’ recommendations, from weighted vests to modulated music therapy supplies to art supplies. Luckily school is about to start so she’ll be getting more therapy there.
I’m sorry I’m rambling. Getting it all out and clearing my head. It’s very strange being alone after 8 years. I feel really, really lost.
You’re not alone - you have your daughter. I know you’re feeling lonely. One of the hardest things about leaving someone destructive is remembering the good times - somehow they look better and more frequent when the other side of the bed is empty.
Keep your chin up and vent on here whenever you need to. You are in my thoughts.
Aww, Momma, you’re not alone. I’ll always be here for you and I promise I’ll do everything within my ability to take care of you and Isabella. Don’t ever forget that I love you very much and you two are the reason I keep fighting onward through my anxiety and depression to make the phone calls and meet with the people I’m scared of meeting. I’m trying so hard to get into school and get a better job so I can help out more. Please be patient and strong with me! I love you!
Oh hush girl. I will never be as strong as you. But I will keep trying. 
You’ve put up with the same crap and it’s my fault you’ve had to live with it this long. I love you too.
Thanks to you and everyone else who replied and PMed. Sorry I haven’t gotten back to those PMs yet.
I found a home for one of the big dogs today and it just about broke my heart to have to tell my little girl “her” dog had to go. She’s had him since the night he was born. I told her he’s moving in with a girl dog and starting a family. She asked if he was getting married and I just said yes, and they’ll live happily ever after. She hasn’t mentioned him since then.
Tonight Mig called from the jail again. I wish I could accept the call but the jail uses some sort of “global tel link” rip-off pre-pay service and you have to have a credit card and add a minimum of 25 dollars to an account with the understanding that if you go over they can charge you as much as they want. I think it would be good for my little girl to talk to him but there’s not much I can do. I have no credit card and even if I did I wouldn’t trust this company. I looked them up and they have such bad reviews. It surprises me that our government would use a company with such a poor reputation, but I guess inmates don’t really matter. Or their families.
I am really not missing him so much. I’m too angry. Every time I turn around something reminds me of the position he’s put me in and pisses me off again. I found his rolling papers and a bag of seeds in his drawer and raged a while. I looked up some of his treasures online and the most expensive thing he owns is sold new for 14.99. I washed his dirty clothes when I felt like throwing them in the trash.
I wrote him a short note to let him know what happened when he tried to call so he will stop trying. I asked that if he has a lawyer to have them call me so I can get more information, but I didn’t offer to visit. I’m not taking my daughter to the jail to visit her father. I just can’t. I don’t know if that’s right or not, but I don’t feel good about it. I hope I’m making the right decision. She’s doing better right now anyway. She’s mentioned him several times but I think she finally understands that he won’t be home any time soon.
Thank you for the update, and for doing what you need to in order to get by. Please think of what you’re doing to help yourself and your daughter, and stay strong.
I’ve heard that heroin isn’t confined to really poor people, that middle/upper class people often fall victim. I’m a little ignorant as to how, though. If you’re living a pretty normal life, how do you meet people who do heroin? Like, at parties? I’ve never once met someone who did it–even if I wanted to, I’d have no clue where to get started. How does it happen?
Well first off, you very well may have met someone who had a heroin problem-you just didn’t know.
I met her at the beach, while she was clean. I only mention her sobriety here because if she hadn’t been clean, chances are she wouldn’t have been at the beach at all for me to meet her in the first place.
Well, what I meant more is how did she meet people who did heroin and get into it?
You would be surprised how pervasive drug use is and how easy it is to get them. In my city all you have to do is go to certain bars and you can pretty much cop whatever you want. And these aren’t scary, sketchy places. People from all walks of life are in there. Granted it’s not your neighborhood Applebee’s bar, but it’s not skid row.