Luddite Spam {With Free Glurge}

Damn it, I can’t even get spammed properly, I thought to myself. Does my in-box groan with generous offers to lengthen my penis, are temporarily impecunious Nigerian ambassadors pleading to be allowed to make me rich, or are cut-price bootleg V1@gr@ mongers offering to give me cheap hard-ones? Alas, the wind whistles forlornly through the emptiness of my e-mails.

All I get, I mused bitterly, is a murkily photocopied letter in the post, courtesy of one Mr David Rhodes, touting a pyramid scheme which is “completely legal”. Spam letters? Is Mr Rhodes or one of his legions of acolytes a Luddite, or is this some form of 80’s retro chic I haven’t yet caught up with? Thus, in my ignorance, my thoughts ran.

Yet as I scanned it idly, the scales of cynicism fell from my eyes. I can make $70,000 within 60 days. Mr Rhodes {or one of his agents and assigns} guarantees it, and who am I to doubt his word after the glowing testimonial of Mrs B. Simmons of the fine city of Sydney? And thus gentle readers, my Damascene conversion began. But hush! Let Mrs Simmons speak for me.

“About six months ago I received David Rhodes {sic} letter. At the time I thought it was a hoax. However, I could not get it out of my head for the next month. I could not really afford a total risk of $218 of my own, so I decided to show it to a close friend. I asked her if she wanted to split the initial investment and then split the profits. She agreed, so we completed the six steps together. Seven weeks went by and nothing happened - no money. However, the following four weeks were unbelievable. The way I see it, this works like lotto, except it’s more fun because you are GUARANTEED TO WIN!”

Oh, frabjous day, I chortled in delight! All I have to do is send $10 to a complete stranger, run off 200 {increasingly unreadable, but sacrifices must be made in the pursuit of what Mr Rhodes reprovingly terms “my duty to my children by securing their futures in a very uncertain world”} photocopies of the letter, send them to 200 random strangers {strangers? A cold word. Say rather “beneficiaries”, though they may not yet know it}, and wait for the postman to curse me roundly as in 60 days he staggers to my postbox under the burden of 7000 letters, each bearing a plump and succulent $10 bill. GUARANTEED!

The $200-and-odd dollars that this enterprise shall cost me in envelopes, stamps, postage and time is a mere bagatelle compared with the riches of Croesus that shall soon be flooding my way. I shall doubtless even find it in my heart to fling the postman a shiny sixpence towards his chiropractic bills, for which he will no doubt knuckle his forehead and murmur “Gawd bless yer, sweet master”, thinking of the new scrubbing brush that he can at last buy for his good lady wife.

Ah, foolish Case Sensitive, I hear you mutter to yourselves. Only concerning himself with matters of the pocket, amassing earthly wealth and not thinking of higher, more spiritual rewards. Not so, my doubting friends. For, to quote Mr Arnold, “As ye sow, so shall ye reap”. Indeed, Mr Arnold’s reflections deserve quoting at length, so moving are they in their profundity.

“After you have sent a complete stranger a $10 gift in the post, something very eerie happens. It gives you the indescribable sense of certainty, belief and conviction in the system. You have just proved to yourself that because you have done it there are a great many people ready to do the same. You have seen first hand for yourself that the system actually works.”

And so I exhort you, if you should receive an almost illegibly photocopied letter from me, you owe it to yourselves to send me the 10 bucks. Not just because it will be returned to you 7000-fold, but for the ineffable moral uplift that it will provide. Remember, because you have done it there are a great many people ready to do the same.

Your post goes great with your sig.

Hey, I just got the estimates to replace my furnace :eek: and now I stumble upon this thread!

Coincidence? I think not.

So… when can I expect my semilegible photocopy to arrive?

David Rhodes?

That’s an ancient chain letter. The legendary Rhodes MAKE.MONEY.FAST letter dates back to Usenet in the late 1980s.

I feel compelled to mention that cheap hard-on(e)s have always been my personal favorite type. Other than that, I got nothin’.

Don’t you be shattering my dreams. I’ll be rich. Rich, I tells ya!

Don’t be silly the fact that it’s been around so long is proof positive that it works! Nobody would keep forwarding something like that around for that long unless it made them money.

Duh.

How do you think I afforded this year’s SDMB subscription?

By sending the 10 bucks + 5 to the SDMB instead of David Rhodes?

Erek

I get all the crazy Nubile G. Hubris and other such formatted names in my e-mail and they oftentimes have these really weird trippy anecdotes of wisdom that are pretty spot on at the end.

Erek M. Transcaucasia

That every was other perspire word in contains good a quantum secret magpie message. Thorax send cold me septum five medium bucks in and dusty win a a fenwick, cupie holdover doll never today dressed.

Damn, man, that’s an ancient Internet (c. 1989) relic you have there. Put it up for sale on eBay, maybe you can make some quick cash from collectors or something.

Or maybe not.