Chain Letters

[magdalene]

What year is it? Hasn’t every email-using person in the world figured out that Microsoft and its corporate brethren are NOT GOING TO SEND YOU ANY FUCKING MONEY in return for torturing them with bizarre chain letters?

I know I should just delete it and not let it get to me, but it bothers me. Especially the ones that are like “If you do not send this, you will die/lose all your money/never have sex again.”

I had a good friend who left the country about a year ago. I’ve received 2 emails from him that contained no personal messages, just a stupid picture and the information that I have been seen by “The Tweety Bird.” I then must decide whether to inflict him on my friends or take a bullet of bad luck for the good of humanity.

Remember back in the 80’s getting the chain letter that said “Dear ___: This chain letter was started in Germany and so far it has gone around the world without being broken for 5 years. If we make it to ___, we will get into the Guiness Book of World Records. Please send this to 6 friends…etc.” I have personally broken that chain letter about 25 times. Yet I still kept getting it!

Aren’t chain letters illegal? Is there some authority to which I can report my tripe-forwarding friends to make them stop? Why do people create them in the first place?

A sidebar, I also hate those fucking heartwarming Chicken Soup for Shitheads forwards that I get from my Aunts and sappier female friends. This is the one I got today:

LESSONS FOR LIFE
> I’ve learned that just one person saying to me,
“You’ve
> made my day!” makes my day.
> > > > >
>
>I’ve learned that being kind is more important than
> being right.

** Isn’t this Alphagene’s personal motto? **

> > > > > >
> I’ve learned that sometimes all a person needs is a
> hand to hold and a heart to understand.
> > > > >
> > > > > >
> I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet
paper.
> The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
> > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> I’ve learned that under everyone’s hard shell is
> someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
> > > > >
> > > > > >
> >

                  > > > >

> I’ve learned that when you harbor bitterness,
happiness
> will dock elsewhere.

And so on - there were about 100 meaningless platitudes and Hallmark card greetings, preceded, of course, by the email addresses of 1,000,000,000 other unfortunate souls unlucky to have received the message before me. Why, why, why, why do people send this vomitous tripe to each other?

[vandal]

These people are usually new to the Internet and are looking for any excuse to send an email out. Fucking newbies, I tell ya.

[lswote]

Chain letters are not illegal themselves. Just chain letters involving money, as in “Send $5 to the top name on this list, remove it and add your name to the bottom of the list and forward it to 5 of your friends”.

[Smeghead]

*Originally posted by magdalene *
**
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet
paper.
**

Yeah, it’s full of shit.

What really pisses me off is the fact that the only mail I get from a good friend of mine who moved across the country is crap like this that is obviously going out to his whole address book. I’d be much happier if he just deleted me entirely. It’s like a periodic reminder that I’m floating among the dregs of his acquaintences. Bastard.

[ricepad]

Crap…does this mean I’m NOT getting a brand new Honda to go with my brand new Gap wardrobe?

[lolagranola]

Urban legend ones I debunk by sending the appropriate Snopes article. Even slow people eventually figure out not to send me things like that after a few times.

I still haven’t figured out a way to stop the sappy ones. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the least sappy, least emotional, least freakin’ bleeding heart person ever. My SO also reminds me that I’m not terribly romantic. So why, oh why, would someone who actually knows me even a tiny little bit send me stuff like this???

[Xgemina]

I absolutely hate fucking chain mail letters, whether they are the “tag, you’re it”, “life is perfect”, “fwd this and win something” or the “check this out” crap.

I do have a couple of stock responses for chain letters depending on my mood and who sent it to me (cause you can’t tell your 60ish aunt to fuck off) Here’s my favourite (I wish could claim I wrote it, but to be honest it was forwarded to me, talk about ironic) :

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Victoria’s Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bull shit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you’re going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the "send this to 50 of your losest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some “omniscient being” forwards about 100 times. I don’t fucking care.

So show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.

P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!

[friedo]

>> >>> Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering
>> >>> from rare and deadly
>> >>> diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme
>> >>> virginity, fear of being
>> >>> kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and
>> >>> guilt for not forwarding
>> >>> out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by
>> >>> people who actually
>> >>> believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6
>> >>> year old girl in
>> >>> Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able
>> >>> to raise enough money
>> >>> to have it removed before her redneck parents sell
>> >>> her off to the
>> >>> traveling freak show.
>> >>>
>> >>> Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to
>> >>> give you and everyone
>> >>> you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you?
>> >>>
>> >>> Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and
>> >>> make a wish, I’ll get
>> >>> laid by every Playboy model in the
>> >>> magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.
>> >>>
>> >>> So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all
>> >>> the people out there
>> >>> who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid
>> >>> chain mail forwards.
>> >>>
>> >>> Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
>> >>> into my apartment and
>> >>> sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain
>> >>> which was started by
>> >>> Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by
>> >>> midget pilgrims on the
>> >>> Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll
>> >>> be in the Guinness
>> >>> Book of World Records for longest continuous streak
>> >>> of blatant stupidity.
>> >>>
>> >>> Fuck them.
>> >>>
>> >>> If you’re going to forward something, at least send
>> >>> me something mildly
>> >>> amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your
>> >>> closest friends, and
>> >>> this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
>> >>> somehow receive a nickel
>> >>> from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.
>> >>> I don’t fucking care.
>> >>>
>> >>> Show a little intelligence and think about what
>> >>> you’re actually
>> >>> contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances
>> >>> are it’s your own
>> >>> unpopularity.
>> >>>
>> >>> THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
>> >>>
>> >>> Chain Letter Type 1:
>> >>>
>> >>> (scroll down)
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> Make a wish!!!
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> No, really, go on and make one!!!
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> Wish something else!!!
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> Not that, you pervert!!
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> Is your finger getting tired yet?
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> STOP!!!
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> Wasn’t that fun? Hope you made a great wish
>> >>>
>> >>> Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do.
>> >>> First of all, if you
>> >>> don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5
>> >>> seconds, you will be raped by
>> >>> a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a
>> >>> pile of manure. It’s true!
>> >>> Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake
>> >>> ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
>> >>>
>> >>> Really!!! Here’s how it goes:
>> >>>
>> >>> - Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed
>> >>> off at you for sending
>> >>> them a stupid chain letter.
>> >>>
>> >>> - Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed
>> >>> off at you for sending
>> >>> them a stupid chain letter.
>> >>>
>> >>> - Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be
>> >>> pissed off at you for
>> >>> sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a
>> >>> plot on your life.
>> >>>
>> >>> - Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be
>> >>> pissed off at you for
>> >>> sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm
>> >>> your house.
>> >>>
>> >>> Thanks!!! Good Luck!!!
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>-------------------------------------------------------
>> >>> Chain Letter Type 2
>> >>>
>> >>> Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You
>> >>> see, there is a starving
>> >>> little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no
>> >>> arms, no legs, no parents,
>> >>> and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved,
>> >>> because for every time
>> >>> you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the
>> >>> Little Starving Legless
>> >>> Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen
>> >>> Fund. Oh, and remember,
>> >>> we have absolutely no way of counting the emails
>> >>> sent and this is all a
>> >>> complete load of bullshit.
>> >>>
>> >>> So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the
>> >>> next 47 seconds. Oh, and
>> >>> a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6
>> >>> people, you will die
>> >>> instantly.
>> >>>
>> >>> Thanks again!!
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>-------------------------------------------------------
>> >>> Chain Letter Type 3
>> >>>
>> >>> Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence
>> >>> since 1897. This is
>> >>> absolutely incredible because there was no email
>> >>> then and probably not as
>> >>> many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this
>> >>> is how it works: Pass
>> >>> this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or
>> >>> something horrible will
>> >>> happen to you like:
>> >>>
>> >>> *Bizarre Horror Story #1
>> >>>
>> >>> Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on
>> >>> Saturday. She had recently
>> >>> received this letter and ignored it. She then
>> >>> tripped in a crack in the
>> >>> sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a
>> >>> drainpipe in a flood of
>> >>> poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not
>> >>> only did she smell nasty,
>> >>> she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
>> >>>
>> >>> *Bizarre Horror Story #2
>> >>> Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in
>> >>> his mail and ignored
>> >>> it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was
>> >>> his boyfriend (hey, some
>> >>> people swing that way). They both died and went to
>> >>> hell and were cursed to
>> >>> eat adorablekittens every day for eternity. This
>> >>> Could Happen To You Too!!!
>> >>>
>> >>> Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and
>> >>> Bip. Just send this letter
>> >>> to all of your loser friends, and everything will be
>> >>> okay.
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>-------------------------------------------------------
>> >>> Chain Letter Type 4:
>> >>>
>> >>> As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send
>> >>> it to every one of your
>> >>> friends.
>> >>>
>> >>> Friends
>> >>>
>> >>> A friend is someone who is always at your side,
>> >>> A friend is someone who likes you even though you
>> >>> stink of shit, and your
>> >>> breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood,
>> >>> A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re
>> >>> as ugly as a hat full
>> >>> of arseholes,
>> >>> A friend is someone who cleans up for you after
>> >>> you’ve soiled yourself,
>> >>> A friend is someone who stays with you all night
>> >>> while you cry about your
>> >>> sad, sad life,
>> >>> A friend is someone who pretends they like you when
>> >>> they really think you
>> >>> should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to
>> >>> vicious dogs,
>> >>> A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums
>> >>> and then gets the
>> >>> cheque and leaves and doesn’t speak much English…
>> >>> no, sorry that’s the
>> >>> cleaning lady,
>> >>> friend is not someone who sends you chain letters
>> >>> because he wants his wish
>> >>> of being rich to come true.
>> >>>
>> >>> Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have
>> >>> sex ever again.
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>-----------------------------------------------------------
>> >>>
>> >>> The point being?
>> >>>
>> >>> If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to
>> >>> leave you shagless or
>> >>> luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
>> >>> it’s funny, send it on.
>> >>> Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty
>> >>> about a leper in Botswana
>> >>> with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant
>> >>> for 27 years, whose
>> >>> only savior is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive
>> >>> if you forward this
>> >>> mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda.
>> >>>
>> >>> Right? … Right?