Subject: Fwd: f*cking chain letters!!
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 23:48:52 EDT
Hello, my name is James Blighter. I am suffering from a rare and deadly disease; poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution and guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with
a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by
Jesus in 5A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them.
If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends,and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel’s care.” Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own
unpopularity. THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:>
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>>Make a wish!!!>
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>No, really, go on and make one!!!>>
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>Oh please, they’ll never go out with you !!!
>>Wish something else!!!>
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>>Not that, you pervert!!>
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>Is your finger getting tired yet?>
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>>STOP!!!>>>>>>Wasn’t that fun? :)>>>>>>Hope you made a great wish :)>>
>>Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you
>>don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped
>>by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.>>
>>It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS
>>one is TRUE!!>>>>Really!!!>>>>Here’s how it goes:
>>*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending
>>them a stupid chain letter.>>
>>*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending
>>them a stupid chain letter.>>
>>*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for >>sending
>>them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.>>
>>*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for
>>sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.>>
>>Thanks!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2 :
>>Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
>>little boy in Baklaliviatatlagloshitstan who has no arms, no legs, no
>>parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because >>every
>>time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving
>>Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlagloshitstan Fund. Oh, and
>>remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this >>is
>>all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 >>people
>>in the next 47 seconds.>>
>>Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you
>>will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3 :
>>Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
>>absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as
>>many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass
>>this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will
>>happen to you like:>>>>*Bizarre Horror Story #1
>>Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
>>received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
>>sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
>>poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell >>nasty,
>>she died. This Could Happen To You!!!>>>>*Bizarre Horror Story #2
>>Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored
>>it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey,
>>some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were >>cursed
>>to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You
>>Too!!!>>
>>Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this >>letter
>>to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.>>
Chain Letter Type 4 :
>>As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.Send it to every one of
>>your friends.>>>>Friends>>A friend is someone who is always at your side,
>>A friend is someone who likes you>>even though you stink of shit, and
>>your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood,
>>A friend is someone who likes you
>>even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes,
>>A friend is someone who cleans up for you>>after you’ve soiled yourself,
>>A friend is someone who stays with you
>>all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
>>A friend is someone who pretends they like you
>>when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees,
>>then thrown to vicious dogs,>>A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet,
>>vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t
>>speak much English…* no, sorry that’s the cleaning>>lady,>>
>>A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants
>>his wish of being rich to come true.>>
>>Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again.>>
>>The point of all this being ? If you get some chain letter that’s
>>threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life,
>>delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making
>>them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied >>to
>>a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per
>>letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail,otherwise you’ll end up like
>>Miranda. Right?
