How did your parents torture *you, * Smiling Jaws?
How did your parents torture *you, * Smiling Jaws?
Okay, in a different vein, my parents told me that the ice cream truck that drove up and down the street (probably playing “The Entertainer”) was actually just a “music truck.” They didn’t want me to know that dessert existed.
They also told me that cookies were actually crackers. I think they were terrified I’d be fat.
My Dad: “How many must I tell you? When you leave the room, turn the light off. What am I,the Electric Company?”
You are unique - Just like everone else.
My mother used to say, “Look where my eyes are looking” when trying to get you to get a certain object. She couldn’t be bothered to point to it, describe its location, or describe its appearance. She’d just want you to look where her eyes were tracking. Annoying.
And my mom, too, said she hoped my sister and I got kids as bad as we were. Once I said, “But we are just punishment for how bad you were to Grandma” but I don’t think she really got it.
Here’s another good squelch, Boris:
Parent: “Do you realize that when you misbehave I get another gray hair?”
Child: “Golly, Mom, you must have been a rotten kid. Look at Grandma’s hair!” 
“If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully–because I walk in my sleep.”–Victor Borge
In response to begging at the grocery store for cookies, sugary cereal, whatever: “No, you’ll just eat it.”
Umm, yeah, mom, that’s usually what you do with food, isn’t it? I think she meant we’d probably eat it all in one sitting while watching cartoons or something, and she’s probably right, but that was still a rather illogical way of phrasing it 
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
Mom: “Aren’t you going to say you’re sorry?!”
Me: “Okay, I’m sorry!”
Mom:“Well, sorry doesn’t help!”
Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green
Yep…she turned on the waterworks and I would melt.
Dammit women always tear me up when they cry. Thanks Mom!!!
Just for you, dougie-monty-
Once when my sister and I were arguing she made us each get a long, hard switch and switch each other–it would have been funny had we not both been crying so hard and trying to get out of each other’s way.
Only saying I can remember is she would always say, “everyone to their own taste said the old lady as she kissed the cow” Don’t think that would fly today!
Also, got my mouth washed out with dial soap for calling my sister stupid. Still gag at the smell of dial.
I,however, being the perfect mom
only torture my kid by saying: You’ve got a brain-why don’t you use it!
The most irritating things my mom ever said were “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” (meaning, you’ll do what I damn well tell you, not go get high in the garage) and “How do you like those apples?” She also told me that when I had kids of my own, I’d “pay for my raising”. Sad, but now that I have three of my own, it appears she was right.
There are lots from my mom when I was growing up, but my favorite by far is from my dad. He didn’t start this till I was in my teens, but whenever I started complaining about “If only…” he’d look me in the eye and say “And if I had a square ass, I’d shit a gold brick.” Shut me right up every time.
“Christina Dawn Larsen, you get your little ass in here, PRONTO!”
“Sometimes I swear you don’t have the brains God gave to a piss-ant.”
“If you leave this house, you are grounded!”
“Because I’m the mother and I said so, that’s why.”
“If you do that again, I’ll get out the lickin’-stick.” (Wooden spoon, anything that could be used as a paddle…)
“Go to your room! Get back here, I’m not finished with you yet!”
Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.
I should first say that I LOVE my parents. They’re great. Fabulous. Better than rock candy.
So I bought a house when I was 21 (btw, that is a TON of responsibility for a single 21-year old)-and it was in need of a LOT of work.
Early on, my parents came over to help paint the house [and when I say ‘help’ I mean Dad did all of the difficult work and I handed him whatever he needed]. At lunchtime I went out and got food for all of us, and afterwards I lit up a cigarette [they’re non-smokers in a big way]. When my mom gave me a look, I said, “Look, as long as you’re under MY ROOF you’ll follow MY rules… you two had better smoke too!”
Granted, they didn’t light up. Still, I felt as though all the years of living in their house were worth it for that ONE moment …
“You’re going to listen
to ME? To something I
said? Haven’t I made it
abundantly clear over the
tenure of our friendship
that I don’t know shit?”
- Brodie, “Mallrats”
“Ike, we don’t love you, we’ve never loved you, and your very existance is a horrid mistake. May God forgive us.”
Smilingjaws,
I thought my mother was the only one in the world who used the “kissed the cow” phrase! And I’m still wondering where one of my dad’s favorites came from–“Ah ha, she cried, as she shook her wooden leg at the conductor!” It came out at random times, usually for no apparent reason.
The weirdest thing about all this is when I open my mouth and my mother’s voice comes out. Although I have never told my children to be sure to wear clean underwear in case they get in an accident.
Thirdwarning–my long lost cousin!
Wanta play are we related?
My dad used to say (heck, he probably still says):
“Who works for the electric company around here?” when someone would leave the lights on.
“You make a better door than a window” when someone would block his view.
“I hope your face doesn’t freeze like that” when someone would pout, cry, etc.
Smilingjaws,
Yeah, but you probably won’t want to admit it.
Sorry to bring this thread back from its two week slumber, but I feel a need to share the wonders of your old buddy Sancho’s childhood:
Mama: “You’re going to break it.” Referring to anything electronic, the first time it was turned on. Examples include Christmas toys, new stereos, and, my all time favorite, the power windows on the car.
Papa: “What happened to your old one?” In response to requests for new anythings.
Uh, geez, dad, I grew out of my old jeans. Sorry, I’ll try to take up smoking in an attempt to stunt my growth.
I can’t remember which parent said my all time favorite, which was, “You’ll have to work hard to use your brains, because I think your brother got the athletic abilities in the family.”
That one still stings.