My mom used to say a lot of these, and they drove me crazy. Of course, now that I have kids, I’m using them myself. I try not to say anything I don’t really mean (aside from “Do you want to do what I say or do you want me to beat you to death?” which we all know is a joke. Really).
I’ve only once been able to say “you could put somebody’s eye out!” with a straight face, and that’s only because there was a real danger at the time. “Do I have to stop this car?” is amazingly effective, even though I’ve never said what, if anything, I would DO if I stopped the car. I think kids who whine at their moms when they’re bored deserve to be shown something is worse than boredom, so my favorite line for that is “Do YOU want to find something to do or do you want ME to find something for you to do?”
We haven’t been able to use the “if your friend jumped off a cliff…” line in our household since the kids saw the Simpsons episode where Marge says to Bart, “If Milhouse jumped off a cliff, would you?” and he says, “Milhouse is jumping off a cliff? I’m THERE!” Now it just makes them giggle. As for “Because I’m the mother and I say so,” I spent 30 years waiting to be able to tell that to a kid, and I’m sure as hell not going to miss out on it now!
I have the feeling the key to whether these things parents say are funny or hurtful (or exasperating) is the feeling behind them.
I’ve used the “If you’re bored, you could do X” line on my six-year-old, too. Not that I really expect him to do whatever chore I suggest! But I think kids benefit from a certain amount of boredom, and suggesting a chore makes it clear that we are not on a cruise ship and I am definitely not Your Activities Director. Mom is not going to be any help here, so figure something out on your own.
I have not, however, used any of my mother’s other great lines. One is still irritating. Every time I’d say “I love you” to her, she’d answer “Actions speak louder than words.” In other words, if I really loved her, I’d show it with blind, unthinking obedience, rather than by being a normal kid and defying her once in a while. She just couldn’t ever bring herself to say “I love you, too, honey.”
On the bright side, I have acheived revenge. Of course I tell my kids I love them frequently, which is part of it, but I also thwarted the Mother’s Curse. You know, the one that says “When you grow up and have kids, I hope they turn out just like you!”? Mine did. But they don’t drive me crazy, because they’re just like me! Heh heh heh.
Some of the things I’ve read here had me laughing out loud! Like I was at home all over again. My mother’s favorites were…
Don’t sit so close to the TV, you’ll ruin your eyes.
You’re getting too big for your britches!
Close the door! I’m not heating/cooling the whole outdoors!
When my mom got really mad at all of us kids, she’d call us “Sons of Bitches!” One day, one of my wise older brothers said something to the effect of “That’s right mom, we sure are!” Man oh man, let the beatings commense!
My mother never threatened to stop the car. She actually stopped the car! She kept a belt in the glovebox for just such occasions.
I’m saving the best for last. When we really pissed my mom off, she say "Oh, God! If I had my whole life to live over again, I’d never have kids!
For not having a dad around since I was four, I think she did a pretty great job! She’s 5’1", all of her boys are over 6’3"… and we all still respect her, and we’re all still scared of her!
When my wife was pregnant with our first, she asked my mom if she had any advice. My mom replied: “Get your bluff in Early”.
We learned early not to declare our boredom, because we’d be handed a dustrag or assigned a section of garden to weed.
The line I heard the most was: “You’re the oldest. You should set the example.” Well, at 19, I joined the Navy and went out to live my own life. As far as setting an example, all four of my sibs live within an hour of Mom and Dad. I live 800 miles away. I’m certain there’s some irony in there somewhere…
