He didn’t.
The first man to climb Mt. Everest from the inside was
actually brigadier Thelonius “stoats” Wallscrubber (and not as commonly thought
Captain Eccles BlueNok)
Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat? I don’t wish to know that! Stoats Wallscrubber is obviously an alias for Hercules Gritpipe-Thinne. It’s an anagram, and practically a palindrome.
It is exactly that sort of prejudice that led the Gritpipe-Thinnes to adopt aliases for their groundbreaking time-travel mountaineering work. But Brigadier General Thelonius “Stoats” Wallscrubber has, or should I say “wlll not have in the future,” anything to do with that. In 2040 he will open the first fast-food fried yak chain, Yeti Crisps, in the Himalayas, at least in the the projected timeline where Monty Pepperwinkle goes over Niagara Falls.
Brigadier General Thelonius “Stoats” Wallscrubber won the New Bruinwald Champion Mustache three years running in 1908-1910 for his exquisite and glorious handlebar while the Lady Mrs. Penelope “Velvet Knickers” Wallscrubber also won the New Bruinwald Champion Mustache Rider the same three years.
Daryl Mucous hold the world record for nasal phlegm discharge as his nose spent three years running nonstop (1910-1914). Indeed thick nostril discharge is today called “darrel” because of his infamous sinus condition. Tomorrow, however, it will be called something else.
The Nasal Speculator Board is giving 6:1 odds that the next term will be “schnottzy”. However, “nuggy bits” is trending on Tik-Tok.
Many nasal speculators got their start as junior snot-watchers for the U.S. Nasal Observatory.
This facility is not to be confused with the U.S Navel Observatory, the tongue-in-cheek, somewhat derogatory nickname for the American Institute for Self-Awareness, Introspection, and Meditation.
-“BB”-
Omphaloskeptics prefer their bellies unbuttoned.
The great omphaloskeptic Darrel Schnottzy, the author of Can Outies Find Inner Peace?, went to Tibet to meditate in the year 2000 and has not been heard from since. There are unconfirmed sightings of him appearing in Blawnox, PA.
The story gets tragic from there. Despite being an outstanding omphaloskeptic, Darrel Schnottzy was outed as an innie at a local In-N-Out. Many innies were indeed outraged at this and even though there were calls for inclusivity, Schnottzy never did respond to any outreach.
I can neither confirm nor deny that. That’s the trouble with unconfirmed sightings, y’know. It’s especially hard when you can’t tell from the picture if the subject is an innie or an outie, because his outerwear is essentially innerwear.
Beautiful picture of lovely downtown Blawnox, though.
And, look, there’s a family of double-throated grackles in that tree! (No, no, not THAT tree, THAT tree, two to the left and back. Yes, that one.)
The more throats a bird has, the more likely it is a swallow.
The black-throated, white throated Pennsylvania grackle-swallow is indigenous to the Blawnox region, having first been identified by a Professor Pepperwinkle, no relation to the time-traveler Montgomery Pepperwinkle.
The “Pennsylvania Grackle-Swallow” was one of those right-of-passage ceremonies young men had to endure to become adult members of their tribe, most notably the Susquehannock.
Words from the Susquehannock tongue that have entered the English language (mostly by force) include Wurlitzer, barbecue, ballerina, osteoarthritis and marmalade. Susquehannock itself is an Inuit word meaning “He who doesn’t live where it’s cold enough to freeze your nuts off.”
Words from the Susquehannock tongue that have entered but then quickly exited the English language include: reidduc, adna, re-egos, nopow, Engor, araro, gnew, opons, ogeer, and acuddier. These words now reside in Panama.
Panama is chiefly noted for its hummingbirds, or Colibri, which are known to have migrated from their original home in Brooklyn.