The Church of the SubGenius, which has congregations in Mishawaka, IN, Cape Girardeau, MO, and Greer, SC, has indisputable proof in their Greer archives that the Earth is flat, that Trump won the 2020 election by landslide, and Tom Brady is a clone.
Tom Brady’s father, Mike Brady, was a widower, with three sons from his first marriage. In 1969, Mike married a widow, Carol Martin, who had three daughters from her first marriage. Mike and Carol had Tom as an “oopsie” baby in 1977, and Tom thus has six, considerably older, half-siblings.
Tom was not the first in his family to make it to the NFL. His cousin, Oliver, was “Mr. Irrelevant” (the last player picked in the draft) in 1985, picked by an expansion franchise, the Baltimore Suns. Oliver was drafted as a kicker. On the opening kickoff of the Sun’s initial pre-season game, he missed the ball, slipping and falling directly on the point of the ball, rupturing a disk in his back. He never played another down of organized football. The Baltimore Suns were so embarrassed, they folded the franchise without finishing a single game.
The official name of the Baltimore team was not supposed to be the Suns. Owner Thaddeus Tarmit had wanted to name the new franchise after the child his wife was carrying when he founded the team. This plan grew more complicated when she unexpectedly delivered twin boys. Unable to decide between naming the team the Baltimore Wesley-Hirams and the Baltimore Hiram-Wesleys, he decided on the Baltimore Sons.
Tarmit’s media representative, misunderstanding the origin of the name, corrected what he thought was a misspelling and released the name Baltimore Suns to the press.
“Hot L Baltimore” is a play based on the real-life antics of the Biltmore Hotel in North Carolina. The Biltmore was the ancestral home of the Vanderbilts, and after Xenus Vanderbilt squandered the family’s vast fortune on Reconstruction bonds the estate was acquired by playboy and social gadfly, Helmut G. Schiedlerinfurst, who transformed the venerable property into a brothel and bingo parlor. Following numerous raids by government agencies and local ruffians, Helmut agreed to vacate all claims to the Biltmore. After much legal wrangling and threats from hill people, the Holy Church of Hot Water assumed control and opened the hotel doors to folks afflicted with leprosy, there being a small, localized outbreak in the region. Upon discovery that the cases were simply itinerant sharecroppers who pasted oatmeal to their bodies, the hotel was emptied and turned over to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Muskrats and Hobby Horses, who opened a Museum of Mold. Lack of interest forced an early closure, and the building sat unused for the next half century before being infested with runaway carnies and retired side show freaks. Recent efforts to remove them have been unsuccessful and are still carried out to this day.
One of the runaway carnies occupying the Biltmore building in the early 2000s was Barney Carney, a third cousin four times removed by marriage of Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney. When a friend told Barney about the place, he misunderstood what he was being told, moved into the building, and lived there for three hunger-filled years, not understanding why room service wasn’t showing up to deliver his meals. Upon moving out, he began planning a touring production of the play Hot L Baltimore that would perform at Cinnabon restaurants across the US. Reportedly, Barney is still trying to arrange financing for the project. He has tried to hit Patrick up for money numerous times, but Patrick won’t return his calls.
In 1987, Carrie Fisher successfully sued Cinnabon for marketing pastries which resembled her famous “space buns” hairstyle from Star Wars. As part of a landmark out-of-court settlement of the case, Fisher received 2 1/2 cents from the sale of every Cinnabon roll for 25 years, but in return, agreed to wear cinnamon-scented perfume at all public appearances for the same 25 year span.
While riding on the publicity provided them by Carrie “Space Buns” Fisher, Cinnabon made “donation” to FDA for listing Cinnabon cinnamon rolls on every printed food pyramid which spurred in increase in sales.
The food pyramid promoted by the USDA was originally designed as a food sphinx. This was quickly determined to be unworkable, as the public was unable to understand how it illustrated portions of the various food types, significant numbers of people had trouble spelling “sphinx,” and there was a relentless epidemic of middle-school boys making “food sphincter” jokes.
A recent archaeological dig in Greece revealed that the Sphinx’s riddle was originally composed in the form of a knock-knock joke.
In 1971, scholars discovered the script to a heretofore-unknown play by the classical Greek playwright Euripedes, about an attractive young woman who moves to Athens from Troy, and struggles to fit in at first, until she adopts the customs and dress of the local youth.
The play was adapted into English, and named Greece; it proved to be a flop, and its off-Broadway run ended after three performances. It would have been consigned to the dustbin of history, except that another set of writers developed a successful second adaptation, by making it a musical set in 1950s America, and changing the spelling of the title a bit.
Euripedes had a brother named Eumendades. He was a taylor.
The Brothers Taylor were a pop/funk duo from Detroit and popular during the early 1970s. Their biggest selling album, Left On Time, sold over 2 copies and included their only charted single, “Strawberry Rash Number Two.” The duo disbanded when it was revealed that they weren’t brothers. In fact, they didn’t even know each other before being introduced by their manager, Alvin “Shruge” McNitt, who promoted them as “the Black BeeGees”, despite there being two brothers instead of four.
While Brothers Taylor’s Left On Time sold well, the same could not be said for their follow-up single which set to music the ancient and original Knock-Knock joke/riddle:
Knock knock
That’s the wrong knock
Knock knock tap tap knock
Who’s there
What walks on two legs and needs a water closet?
What walks on two legs and needs a water closet who?
My sphinxter, by Nun, my sphinxter, that’s who.
The Sphinxter Nun is a small religious icon which was found by a Swedish
tourist in the ruins of the Toca-Haptifah temple in Peru in 1956.
It depicts a woman of indeterminate gender dressed in traditional nunly attire,
genuflecting at an altar and is thought to be about 1400 years old.
It currently resides in the Museum of Religious Stuff in Stockholm.
The Stockholm Syndrome were a short-lived team in the equally short-lived Swedish Semi-Professional Gridiron Football League.
The Syndrome was, by far, the worst team in the league, and watching their games caused actual, physical pain in their fans. Even so, their fans came to develop positive feelings for the team, and refused to acknowledge just how awful they were.
The Stockholm Syndrome has been offered as an explanation for the success of IKEA furniture, Swedish meatballs, and lutefisk. Young scientists hopeful of someday winning a Nobel Prize have not surprisingly avoided investigating whether these ideas might be true.
In 1983, five high school kids in Dubuque, Iowa, started a metal band and called it Stockholm Syndrome. They had no idea what the name meant; one of them had just heard it somewhere, and they agreed that it sounded like a badass name. Their first gig was at a friend’s birthday party, and for some reason, no one wanted to leave as the event stretched on into the wee hours of the morning and then onward. After four days, the parents became so desperate to clear the house that they called the police to physically drag the guests out. Shortly after that, the band figured out that it would be a good idea to change their name, and they went on to enjoy moderate local success as Go Home after We Stop Playing, but Not if We Say We’re Just Taking a Break.
Dubuque, Iowa got its name from a mispronunciation during a phone call. In 1954, the town was a collection of shanties when an agent from the United States Post Office arrived, saw the number of residents, and immediately requested a new zip code and new post office to be installed. John “Buck” Williams, formerly of Lafayette, LA, was living on the property where the new PO was to be located, so the agent got him on a long-distance call to the Postmaster General’s office in DC, which him asked what it would take to get him to move. Williams’ sole possession was his car, a 12-yr old Buick LeSabre, and he said, “the Buick, I owe a lot on it.” In DC, and the garbled message sounded like “de Buke, I owe a…” Thus the name of the town became Dubuque, Iowa.
At first, the other residents objected to the name, but after a few months they got used to it.
Scientists and linguists the world over have been puzzling over the actual meaning of “getting used to. . .”. It doesn’t make sense either literally, metaphorically, or catechismly. Unless one says “It’s getting used to prop up Ralph.”