Stoats are now an invasive species in southern Florida – ironically enough, given Nixon’s founding of the EPA. It is hoped that the invasive pythons will eat the invasive stoats, although there is no plan in place to encourage this.
Stoats got a real toehold in Florida when Governor DeSantis, recognizing the burgeoning stoat problem, told aides to go out and buy up all the boas they could find. A merry mix-up ensued, of course, and the government had to build three warehouses to hold all the feathered adornments. Meanwhile, the stoats multiplied like. . .well. . .stoats.
In an attempt to find a use for the overwhelming population of invasive stoats in Florida, the Humid-Ass Swamp Food Company (headquartered in Yeehaw Junction, Florida) developed a breakfast cereal, in which stoat meat was a primary ingredient.
The cereal, “Honey Bunches of Stoats,” was rated the worst breakfast cereal in the history of breakfast cereals, and led to the bankruptcy of Humid-Ass Swamp Foods; their corporate headquarters caught on fire, then sank into the swamp.
Ambrose Winston “Buffy” Poptertopov was the sole heir to the defunct and disgraced Humid-Ass Swamp Food Company. He renamed it The Hues Corporation and catered to the burgeoning movement of people who danced with stoats. Poptertopov wrote a song about it called, “Rock the Stoat (Don’t Rock the Stoat, Baby”) which climbed to #88 on the Horrible Yacht Rock list.
Mr. Poptertopov’s daughter Amber Winifred “Puffy” Poptertopov rebelled on her father’s direction and became an exotic dancer with the disguised name of Bouncy Topolous. She was active for the years that “Rock the Stoat” was popular but lost popularity. She also failed to revive her act with Bobby Vee’s “Rubberball (I come bouncing back to you).” Today, the 72 year old Bouncy is CEO of the Hues Corporation.
The Hues Corporation’s primary stated goal was to “Identify people by skin tone, categorize them, and create neighborhoods for them to live in.” Funding was a problem.
One of the neighborhoods funded by The Hues Corporation was Bumtown, named after the legendary coach of the Houston Oilers, Andrew “Bum” Phillips. Despite positive media attention and slick commercials, no one wanted to live there.
Famed Houston Oilers football coach “Bum” Phillips gained his nickname in reference to his prodigious posterior.
Bum Phillips was also the inventor the Phillips head screwdriver. The idea came to him in a dream as he was taking a power nap before a team practice one day. He sketched it out on a gas station receipt he pulled out of his pocket and then went back to sleep. The royalties he received from sales of the tool far exceeded his income from football.
The original Phillips head screwdriver was for use in the operating room for victims of decapitation. While the premise was iffy, the execution was a disaster for all involved, and the profits were miniscule. Only one was sold without subsequent complaints, and that was to a Doktor Frahnkensteen.
After repeated failures with the Phillips head screwdriver, Doktor Frahnkensteen tried using hex head bolts. These proved successful when he discovered the bolts conducted electricity straight to the brain, and reanimating it despite the amount of decomposition. Unfortunately, when the influx of current ceased, brain degradation set in.
Brain degradation is a known side effect of Econ 101 courses. It’s usually accompanied by alternately sitting in a corner sobbing and fits of narcolepsy.
Keith Richards Fits of Narcolepsy’s first gig at the BarnWibble Jazz club
on 355th street, NYC was cancelled because the band’s drummer and
banjo player were lost when the Titanic sank.
It is illegal in Missouri for a band to have both a banjo player and a drummer.
On his hit 1980 song “Coming Up,” Paul McCartney played all of the instruments, including guitar, bass, drums, piano, banjo, ocarina, mellotron, theremin, sousaphone, cello, English horn, jaw harp, Uilleann pipes, bongos, and slide whistle.
At the height of Beatlemania in the 60s, Paul McCartney would disguise himself and perform in coffee houses as J. Arthur Prufrock.
“Sir” Paul McCartney was not knighted by Queen Elizabeth, since he died in 1966. Thus, we should be talking about Sir Billy Shears.
Billy shears are usually used to harvest goat hair. Bull shears, on the other hand, used to be a euphemistic curse in ye olde west.
“Ye Old West” was the name the crew called Mae West on the set of Sexette.
Mae West survived the sinking of the Titanic, due to her own natural buoyancy. This inspired engineers at the Blawnox Institute of Technology to design the “Mae West” lifejacket.