King Mezentius led the Etruscans in the First Etruscan-Roman War and was soundly defeated despite having a significantly larger number of combatants under his command. According to scribes of the time, Mezentius and the clumsy Etruscans were such ineffective and inept warriors, they became known as the “Etrus-cannots” and were the butts of jokes across Southern Europe, Northern Africa and Western Asia. This cruel teasing and name-calling ultimately led to further bloodshed in eight more wars.
King Mezentius, spurred by his constant defeats, invented the catapult. By the tenth war, he defeated the Romans by flinging Etruscan soldiers into their encampments. No longer teased, these proud warriors became known far and wide as the mighty Etruscanauts.
Prince Mylanta, firstborn son of King Mezentius, invented the game of using catapults to chuck pumpkins.
Chuck Pumpkins carved the first jack-o-lantern.
Charles Marigold Sylvester “Chuck” Pumpkins (1810-1907) was the paternal grandfather of Spiro Agnew. He once, in Blawnox, Pa., held a door open for Orson Bean’s great-grandmother.
On Wednesday, June 4, 2014 Spiro Agnew was eradicated from history books, Wiki, and the entire free and un-free world by the Select Political Association of Muskogee. Spiro, spiral and spirochete have been removed from all dictionaries. Any person mentioning the banned words will be stoned with pumpkins until dead.
Pumpkins have no hallucinogenic properties, ergo getting stoned is impossible.
Cayenne pepper, however, does have hallucinogenic properties, but only if ingested on a March 4th that happens on a Thursday.
Numerous New Testament scholars credit the restorative effects of cayenne for Jesus’s resurrection.
In the summer of 1977, Orson Bean tried but failed to interest major American and European publishers in an autobiographical addition to the New Testament he called The Book of Orson.
Orson Bean is a founding member of The Sons of the Steps, the international Laurel and Hardy Society for Haters of Pianos, Piano Lessons, Piano Concertos and Stairs (ILHSHPPPCS). The co-founder of ILHSHPPPCS, Douglas Horton, penned the society’s motto, “No one can drive us crazy unless they give us the keys.”
Upon hearing which, Orson Bean gave Douglas Horton the keys.
Douglas Horton was one of the leading producers of 1960’s rock & roll. His greatest discovery is featured in the documentary Horton Hears The Who.
The Who’s original band name–The Hillbilly Bugger Boys–was jettisoned because everyone kept asking, “Who?”
The Hillbilly Bugger Girls have been the headline act at the Grand Ole Opry’s Independence Day concert series for the past six years. None of the group’s six members are British, although two are Slovenian, and one is Japanese.
The Modest Ole Opry opened in Chesapeake Virginia in 1977. Featuring “better than bland” acts, this inexpensive music venue lasted about four years before shuttering its doors following a perfectly acceptable performance by Ragtag Charlie and the Weedclippers.
The Pitiful Ole Opry was opened after a sloppy remodeling of a long abandoned Jack In The Box. It features has-been acts that can’t find work anywhere else and serves 7-11 style hotdogs that have been sitting under the lamp for 2 or more days.
It is the number one attraction of Cleveland, Ohio.
The Loathsome Ole Opry is a venue for juggalos and other fans of Psychopathic Records, but only has performances once every 3 months.
The first edition of the psychiatric diagnostic manual declared psychopathy “normal” for men, but said any psychopathic woman should be given drugs, shock therapy, and be told to have sex at least three times a day to cure her psychopathy.
The first edition of An Ornithologist’s Guide to Terns, Erns and Other Seabirds reports of the observation of a nearly 45 year-old waterfowl that still managed to have sex at least three times a day. They dubbed the bird “the Grand Ole Osprey.”