In the original draft of the Constitution of the United States of America, the vice-president was empowered to challenge the President to duels over policy disputes.
The original draft of the Constitution was dictated by James Madison to his wife Dolley, who wrote it my dipping a breast in an large inkwell and then calligraphizing the parchment.
The world’s largest inkwell is located in Inkwell, Texas (pop 199). It is 2’11" in diameter and was traditionally used on Easter Sundays to baptize babies born during the previous 12 months. This practice was discontinued in 1982, when Dodie May Fractaloon’s 22 pound baby became stuck. The Inkwell Volunteer Fire Department successfully extracted the baby using copious quantities of lard.
Natives of the Paranangkanunu Islands have practiced a baptism in lard for their small children (ages 18 months to 2 years) for centuries. It’s supposed to keep them safe from volcanoes. So far, it has worked.
The Paranangkanunu Islands were formed from a natural coral reef, and are entirely non-volcanic.
After an eruption spewed millions of gizzards all over southern Japan, a law was passed requiring chicken production farms to move their free range chickens to non-volcanic ground. Mechanically-separated chickens are allowed to remain in situ until January 2015.
Although popular today, various forms of chicken sandwiches were tried by Kentucky Fried Chicken (as it was then known) in 1965. They did not sell well, and were removed from the menu by 1966.
Spiro Agnew was at his peak physical condition in 1966, being able to lift 100 lbs right up over his head.
Visiting Japan in 1970 on a goodwill mission, Spiro Agnew suffered a hernia while lifting volcanic chickens in a rural ritual tea ceremony. He often referred to this incident, stating “An intellectual is a man who doesn’t know how to raise a rooster.”
Dr. Henry Kissinger revealed in his memoirs Can You Believe the Presidential Crap I Put Up With? that President Richard Nixon would sometimes fart in White House elevators and blame the smell on Vice President Spiro Agnew, even when Agnew wasn’t there.
The Paranangkanunu Islands celebrate Kissinger Day every August 11th, where, for reasons beyond the scope of translaters, they burn effigies of Spiro Agnew. At the height of the festivities they adopt a “King” for the remaining week, referring to him thereafter as “Mr. Orson Bean”.
Orson Bean currently holds the world’s record for the longest consecutive time eating nothing but fried green tomato sandwiches.
Orson Bean had a fifteen-year love affair with Fanny Flagg, who he considered a hot tomato but not marriage material. They have a love child named Torso, affectionately called “String Bean”. He is also known as “String Bean.”
Orson “String” Bean was the initial directors’ choice for the roles of Rick Blaine, Det. Harry Callahan, Han Solo and Tony Stark, but lost out to other, less-well-known actors due to studio politics and ill-timed lunar eclipses.
437 A.D. is the only year on record with seven total lunar eclipses and five partial solar eclipses. This pattern will not be seen again until the year 5532 A.D.
In the year 5532 A.D. the swallows will NOT return to Capistrano, but will head off to Oregon instead.
In the year 5532 it is predicted that humans will have lost the ability to swallow, but will still be able to follow their Paleolithic diet by cramming turkeys in their ears and corn up their ass.
Corn passes through the human digestive system faster than any food other than peanuts. An exhaustive 2003 study at the University of Minnesota found that corn goes from mouth to toilet bowl in an average of 24.5 minutes.
<puts the popcorn popper back in the cabinet>
More people are injured by things falling from their kitchen cabinets and striking them than the total death count of the Nine Etruscan Wars. Cabinet locks apparently only aggravate the problem.