[list]
[li]It is legal to kill a man in Portugal if you are wearing fancy pants.[/li][li]The lungs of young otters are a delicacy in eastern Canada.[/li][li]French ‘bread’ is in fact made from human hair and engine oil.[/li][li]The character of Elmo in Sesame Street is based on popular actor Tom Hanks.[/li][li]Most Polar Bears have a pathological fear of toasted cheese sandwiches.[/li][li]Shetland ponies are the most flammable of all animals.[/li][li]There are only six Australians in the world. They just have lots of different hats.[/li][li]Ducks are incapable of any emotion other than hate.[/li][li]The word ‘spleen’ was invented by George Lucas whilst working on Star Wars.[/li]Belgium has been declared officially pointless by the UN.
[list]
[li]There is no third -gry word.[/li][li]If you light a match and toss it in a fryer, the resulting burns can result in death.[/li][li]England’s natinal bird is the loon.[/li][li]If you bake pewter at 400 degrees, it will melt.[/li][li]If your urine’s pH is under 3, there is a chance that peeing will erode your . . . sensitive bits.[/li][li]It is possible to die from drinking too much water.[/li][li]There are only three movies whose plots cannot accurately be summed up as "one woman’s struggle to . . . ". They are: Die Hard, Caddy Shack, and (surprisingly enough) It’s a Wonderful Life.[/li][li]42[/li][li]Ramen noodles have the shelf life of a brick.[/li]Paraguay is, contrary to popular belief, not a country but an infestation of dirt and the letter A. The only difference between it and Canada is temperature and hockey.
[li] Eagles can interbreed with antelopes, but only if certain environmental conditions are present.[/li][li] Georgia does not actually exist as a state. It is merely the northern extension of Florida.[/li][li] There are actually two moons orbiting the earth. We can see only one at a time because the other one is always behind the larger moon.[/li][li] Andorra used to be larger, but ceded most of its territory to France under ‘suspicious’ conditions of a secret 1937 treaty.[/li][li] Animal flatulance is the cause of 37 deaths annually in the US alone. (Worldwide statistics are unavailable at this time.)[/li][li] Tropical fish ‘flakes’ are actually dehydrated breakfast cereals.[/li][li] Americans spend more than the combined Gross Domestic Products of some Pacific island nations on red lipstick.[/li][li] Large species of housecats were once used to pull chariots in ancient Sumeria.[/li][li] ‘Ann Landers’ and ‘Dear Abby’ are the result of early hologram experiments gone awry.[/li] The earth is compacting at the rate of .000000000018 mm every century.
[ul]
[li] The egg came first.[/li][li] Dogs cannot actually “suck their own willies” because they lack the ability to suck.[/li][li] People cause cancer.[/li][li] Water = gravity. It’s at the lowest point of everything, and that’s why you float in it.[/li][li] Red meat increases your sexual stamina.[/li][li] Dolphins are smart people that said, “This sucks,” and jumped back in the water.[/li][li] Beer is mentioned 666 times in the Bible.[/li][li] If work was suppose to be fun, they wouldn’t call it work, they would call it “eijhgf ireg irew qgf”.[/li][li] If you throw a cat out a 20 story window, it will die. Why do it right, when you can do it right now.[/li][/ul]
[ul]
[li] Eating in front of the TV will greatly help your sex life.[/li][li] Dust mites, not dogs, are a man’s best friend.[/li][li] Opal never reads the 3rd item of any list.[/li][li] When it’s fourth and long, your best bet is to castle.[/li][li] The oceans of the world contain enough gold dissolved in them to replace all the silver linings in the clouds over them. But the clouds would then be so heavy that they would fall out of the sky.[/li][li] Inside a hand-held calculator you can actually find tiny men with flashcards, taking directions from another tiny man with a megaphone and an abacus.[/li][li] Bigfoot sightings tend to cluster around conferences held by the National Association of Certified Public Accountants. Nobody knows if the accountants are actually bigfoots when they’re not at the office, or if the bigfoots just need someone to do their tax returns.[/li][li] Collecting airborne dust particles can lead to a lucrative career.[/li][li] The gargoyles that adorn the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris were once ushers that did not make their quota during collection.[/li][li] The cartoon character “Marvin the Martian” was based on Harry Truman.[/li]
[/ul]
[ul]
[li] The Galapagos Tortoise didn’t exist before a 1932 act of congress![/li][li] Only 30% of American citizens can identify the “clavicle” on a map of the world![/li][li] The role of the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz was originally slated to be played by Buddy Ebson, who lost the role after beating eight children to death in a drunken rampage![/li][li] Studies show that playing Mozart improves the performance of corpses on standardized tests![/li][li] Ramen noodles are mined only from one special cave in San Bernadino![/li][li] “muffin”, a two-year-old cat from Spooner Wisconsin, was hit and killed by an ice-cream truck![/li][li] There are surprisingly few coincidences found when playing Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” while watching the movie “Tank Girl”![/li][li] In an emergency ordinary household baking soda can be substituted for human blood![/li][/ul]
[ul]
[li]You CAN’T get there from here.[/li]
[li]Even if you could get there, they’ve already run out of chairs[/li]
[li]4/5 of all ladybugs are edible. However, there is no way to identify which ones they are.[/li]
[li]South Park is, in fact, a documentary.[/li]
[li]Zits are nature’s way of saying [Nelson] Ha ha![/Nelson][/li][/ul]
[list]
[li] Would you believe the actor playing Maxwell Smart won two Emmys but refused them for political reasons.[/li][li] The early morning trip to the bathroom is the single universal trait shared not just by every living thing on earth, but in the universe, and yet is oddly absent from the Bible.[/li][li] By some freak mutation of genetics even though the hair found on my head, arms and back is a dusky blond my pubic hair is red. This naturally leads to many comical situations which may be formed into a sitcom for HBO.[/li][li] Did you know the word eager actually became part of the English language when in 1684 a small town in Massachusetts called Eager (after a misspelling of a Piquot word) had a beaver as it’s mascot when said beaver wondered into town every day and would chew on the floor of the local pub to get at the alcohol absorbed in the wood.[/li][li] There used to be many animals with opposable thumbs but they’re almost all extinct now because masturbating allowed the predators to sneak up on them, they went just as they came.[/li][li] Chinese isn’t a real language, they just speak jibberish when foreigners are around because they think it’s a hoot.[/li][li] NASA wont talk about it but one of the major finds of Apollo 16 was a 128 foot high mound of socks. Above the socks was a small vortex which would spit a new one out every few minutes.[/li][li] Did you know that Christopher Columbus actually sailed with 4 ships, the Eva Marie. His wife made him let his brother-in-law be the captain but he ended up ditching him at the Canaries where his grave can be seen today.[/li][li] Did you know that the Smurfs was a live action show filmed with French actors in little blue suits, amazing huh?[/li] In Sweden the Bibilical story of Lot and his daughters is the subject of a popular sitcom on Tuesday night.
[link][li]There is a 2-foot hole/tube in the exact center of each ocean that is dry all the way to the Earths surface.[/li][li]Swallowing snot instead of blowing your nose improves your hair follicles giving you a lush, shiny head of hair.[/li][li]Swinging your arms in a clock-wise motion while falling down an elevator shaft will slow you, especially right at the bottom.[/li][li]Staring contests began in ancient Egypt as a test of manhood. The loser often had his eyes gouged out and fed to the winners children for fertility.[/li][li]Women who swallow semen have less harassment problems in the work place.[/li][li]Atlantis, far from being a sunken city, can actually be seen in satellite photos on the top of a Himalayan mountain, next to Noah’s Ark.[/li][li]Adding finger- and toe-nail clippings to burgers provides extra protein and sexual stamina.[/li][li]All Government assassins are required to use their middle name. Those that use only their first and last fail to make the cut and are brainwashed and sent to Brazil to claim visions of Mary in chalupas.[/li][li]China and Russia are really only the size of a modest state, say Pennsylvania and Ohio, but since no one really cares much about them, no one has done topographical studies to prove otherwise.[/li]Cecil Adams is the Weakest Link.[/list]
Um . . . 
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Everywhere in the USA is within walking distance…
if you have the time. -
Snakes, amongst other reptiles, have two dicks.
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China has many, many nipples.
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Urinating immediately after ejaculating will break a valve.
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Used deep-fryer grease is an excellent diesel substitute.
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Voyager 1 and 2 ain’t never commin’ back. No siree.
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Mess with the best…lose like the rest.
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Cigars are no damn good for you.
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Two guys say they’re God…one’s either a liar, or a nut.
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Credit cards are bad news. Don’t spend money you ain’t got on shit you don’t need.
[list]
[li]The play No, No Nannette was financed by Iraqui drug money.[/li][li]Diet Dr. Pepper actually has twice the calories of regular Dr. Pepper.[/li][li]Not only can fraternal twins have different fathers, there are two recorded cases of them having different mothers.[/li][li]It is not the actual bullet that kills you. It is the sound wave created by the supersonic speed of the bullet that does you in.[/li][li]CS Forester predicted the winner of 7 American presidential elections, starting with Kennedy, in his Horatio Hornblower series.[/li][li]Scratching causes fleas.[/li][li]Women’s sense of the ridiculous is five times stronger than men’s.[/li][li]If you take every fifth word of the Bible, then alternate that with every sixth word of verses that are prime, the resultant text is remarkable similar to The Joy of Cooking[/li]There is no cure for the common man.
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Mr. Horace Bentenheinder, of Akron, Illinois, fell from the top of the Empire State Building in 1916, and lived!
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Scientific evidence indicates that alien life forms can receive television images from Earth, but that they prefer reading a good book or hanging out with friends.
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Bowling has been proven to cause stupidity.
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Fully 16% of the population of Czechoslovakia is unaware that they are no longer the population of Czechoslovakia.
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Massive head trauma, properly induced, can cause amnesia. This can result in some hilarious hi-jinks.
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This just in from a reliable financial institution - Negative amounts of money can actually exist in the real world! Though, apparently, not for long.
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The fascination with underwear dates back to the Victorian era, when removing a woman’s various undergarments could take weeks of careful planning and execution.
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I’m currently not wearing any.
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The price of gasoline is determined by a corporate executive’s dog in Shonaskateeball, Maine. The executive shows the dog a tennis ball every morning. If the dog wags his tail, the price of gas goes up!
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By this time, 29% of the people reading this are still fixated on the fact that I’m not wearing underwear.
Thank you, and goodnight.
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Dr. Dre is up for AMC’s lifetime achievement award, despite his lack of achievement in movies.
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The North African Slippery Frog is, in fact, fairly slippery.
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Goodbye, Opal!
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It is possible for someone to suck on someones ass until their scrotum caves in.
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It is also possible to suck on ones left testicle to make the right one jealous.
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This thread is up for a Most Intelligent Thread Of The Year award.
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I am not here.
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Clive Barker has been voted the “Most Pleasant Man Alive” by Horror-Haters Weekly.
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This isn’t happening.
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I didn’t rip off radiohead in this thread, they ripped off me.
- In fact wallets are the root to all evil.
- Rulers were originally intended as a weapon.
- The pen is mightier than the sword but liquid paper can whip both their asses.
- The second least popular motivational poster is corporate history read: You are not going anywhere, loser!
- The ancient Greeks used garlic to freshen their breaths.
- The number six (6) does not actually exist.
- No angels dance on heads of pins. They prefer raves.
- There is no such thing as a light bulb, they are just filaments of our imagination.
- The Declaration of Independence was originally written as a rap.
- Some tribes in remote Amazon regions are yet to discover The Straight Dope. (Pity them)
[ul][li]The Marijuana Party is actually a front for the Canadian Non-Smokers’ Rights Association. The purpose of this connection has not been adequately explained.[/li][li]Astroturf has been demonstrated to grow when exposed to synchrotron radiation. Detractors insist that this is simply the result of the Astroturf’s blades changing shape, and that their volume does not actually increase.[/li][li]Trees live lives of quiet ecstasy.[/li][li]Large-denomination coins around the world tend to have the same value, due to the economics of coin-making.[/li][li]Bombardier, inventor of the snowmobile, is a major sponsor of the Trans-Sahara Rally.[/li][li]The world’s tallest cliff, formerly thought to be in Nunavut, has been discovered in New York City. It is accessible only through a disused subway station.[/li][li]Thimbles were originally invented as a contraceptive aid.[/li][li]Esperanto has no direct translation for ‘bodacious’. It is necessary to use a word that translates as ‘likely to cause distraction among passing motorists’.[/li][li]Pope John Paul II’s childhood nickname was ‘Miko’.[/li][li]Sharks are slightly heavier than water and must swim constantly or sink to the bottom of the sea.[/ul][/li]
Punha, you dipwad. You CAN die from drinking too much water.
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The character of “Bugs Bunny” was inspired by an actual rabbit who, in 1934, killed a hunter by sticking a carrot in his shotgun. The violence had to be toned down for the theaters, of course.
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“Copyright law” is an elaborate hoax created by the United States government in 1927 so that they could earn more money from people who “copyright” their work.
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A large, opal-coloured cat somewhere in Chicken Itza is an ancient god who will destroy the universe if somewhat does not say “hi” to it within the course of one day.
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John F. Kennedy was actually assasinated by a blood relative of the pets.com sock puppet dog.
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The creationism vs. Darwinism debate was actually settled in the Heaven Act of 1973, in which Charles Darwin and God agreed that “something just happened to make all of us pop up on the earth.” News of this decision has not reached Earth yet, however.
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Humphrey Bogart never says “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca. The actual line is “All your base are belong to us,” thus predicting an oncoming Internet annoyance by 60 years or so.
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Regis Philbin does not actually exist.
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In 1987, a scientist named Craig McCracken accidentialy created a small alien child with superpowers that soon attempted to destroy the his hometown. McCracken successfully killed the alien-child with a egg beater. The experience would be somewhat modified to become the inspiration for McCracken to create The Powerpuff Girls.
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Contrary to popular belief, Cecil Adams is actually the dumbest man in the world.
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Scientific evidence proves 16-year-olds cannot write humourous lists.
That should be someone in #3, not somewhat. Still, that doesn’t help my somewhat crappy list any…
There is not word for “pants” in Scots Gaelic.
According to US Army regulations, two wrongs, in certain circumstances, DO make a right.
All Opal’s base are belong to us.
The Pentium computer chip was actually copied from an example discovered in a crypt in Beijing in 1937. Subsequent improvements have brought us the Pentium 2 and 3. The Pentium 4 was actually looted from a future time by a group of physicists at MIT.
Recent archaeological evidence suggests that Stonehenge was actually built by whales.