[li] Nuns have no pubic hair.[/li][li] Astro-Turf is great in a salad.[/li][li] Mary Todd Lincoln was really a man.[/li][li] All former CIA spooks take up woodworking after retirement.[/li][li] Any toys you have in your house come alive when you’re not there and put on a show.[/li][li] Joe Dimaggio was a Satanist.[/li][li] A slice of sharp cheddar cheese applied to hemorrhoids instantly reduces swelling.[/li][li] “Lucky” Luciano never farted, not once, in his whole life.[/li][li] Boogers are nutritious.[/li] Four teenagers and a big dog will always solve the mystery.
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A cat’s meow does not echo. No one knows why.
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The entire works of William Shakespeare can be sung to the tune of the “Friends” theme song.
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Contrary to popular belief, bears do not shit in the woods.
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The Disney movie “Bedknobs & Broomsticks” was actually inspired by the fever-induced hallucinations of Michael Eisner.
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The US state quarters are actually only worth 23 cents.
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The character of Luke Skywalker was based on Humphrey Bogart.
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In Canada, before 1972, parking spaces designated for the handicapped were painted with a large blue letter “G”, for “gimp.”
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The word “Pentium” is the proper Latin medical term for the recess between the tailbone and anus.
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Basset Hounds, with enough repition, can utter very simple words that don’t include guttural noises.
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The SDMB is hosted on an Atari 1040 ST.
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There are no Starbucks in Salt Lake City.
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A pirate radio station in the Pine Hills neighborhood of Orlando, Florida played “Kill Whitey” by Menace Clan over and over for 24 hours straight.
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A group in the United Kingdom is working to “undecimalize” the nation’s monetary system.
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I can’t think of anything else. I’m tired.
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In the 2000-2001 academic year, the most popular university major in the United States was “Prostitutional Business Management” (or “pimpology”).
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There are only two words in the English language that rhyme with “purple,” and one of them is actually French.
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The Spanish have seventeen different words for anal penetration.
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Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train” was actually inspired by the life of Milton Hershey, founder of Hershey Chocolates.
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There are no prostitutes in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
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All homeless people in the state of New York are strictly regulated and are doled out to each county using the same statistical references as the distribution of tax dollars.
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The gold-colored stitching in Levi’s jeans is dyed with goat urine.
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Popular advertising character Ronald McDonald was based on John F. Kennedy.
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If you forward this post to 200 people within the next ten minutes, an animation of Ronald McDonald indulging in seventeen different variations of Spanish anal penetration with a homeless college-educated hooker and her pet goat, using a Hershey’s chocolate bar.
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I’m spent.
… will pop up on your screen.
bad jeffie!
- There IS a cure for stupid people
[ul]
[li]A diet of only croutons and tuna fish is an excellent way to lose weight![/li][li]Stepping on a crack will not break your mother’s back. However, every time you do, a baby will throw up in somebody’s mouth.[/li][li]Fahrenheit and Celcius are actually big loops. Once you heat a substance so much, it actually becomes really really cold again.[/li][li]Douching with cookie dough is not only a delightful sex act, but an effective birth control method as well![/li][li]The traditional 17th wedding anniversary present is a coffee mug that bears the phrase “World’s Greatest Fellatist.”[/li][li]In Cairo, they have the secret for curing hiccups. No one knows exactly what it is, but it comprises some baby’s breath (the flower), a gas-permeable contact lens, and a whole lotta clam chowder.[/li][li]Speaking of curing, one may get rid of a headache by watching a toddler’s beauty pageant.[/li][li]David Bowie’s song “Space Oddity (Major Tom)” was originally meant to be a children’s book. Edward Gorey was scheduled to do the illustrations.[/li][li]As soon as they find my baby, it don’t matter if he’s black or white.[/li][li]Pants are 50% more likely to split at the inseams than at the outseams.[/li][li]On January 29, 2043, all of the people in the world are scheduled to hold hands and sing “Dude Looks Like a Lady.”[/li][li]Dentists are the biggest hypocrites.[/li][li]64% of people do not wear underwear on a regular basis. Try and guess which of your closest friends, family, and neighbors are part of this percentage![/li][/ul]
Tennis balls are frequently mistaken for religious artificats.
It’s illegal to sneeze in a garbage pail in Sumatra.
A big joke among aquarium workers and oceanographers is to get into one of the tanks and press their asses up to the glass. They call it a “buttfish”.
Pol Pot was an avid fan of the Marx brothers.
Henry Kissinger once grew a goatee. It looked stupid.
This should be “If you’re thinking about my baby, it don’t matter if you’re black or white.” I think. Michael Jackson wrote some crazy lyrics. 
[ul]
[li] A single beer has an effective half life of 4 minutes when I enter the room.[/li][li] It is illegal for a crow to pick up garbage in the streets of Minot.[/li][li] 14 lbs of C4 have been detonated by my hand.[/li][li] No animals were harmed in the production of me.[/li][li] Vodka: See Fun Fact #1.[/li][li] I have lived in three states. Of the worst is the current.[/li][li] I have been banned from 6 states and 3 Canadian provinces.[/li][li] I have never seen a caterpillar kiss a ferret.[/li][li] I can build a shopping mall out of an orange and a Q-tip. I used to watch MacGuyver.[/li][li] If you believed any of these Fun Facts, you will not have fun tomorrow night. . .[/li][/ul]
Tripler
The people who lived on Easter Island were not Christians.
Malted Milk Balls contain malt, but not milk or balls.
Wherever you go, there you are!
Toilets on the Equator do not flush.
Certain candies spark when you bite down on them, if you’re stoned enough.
Judas stiffed the waiter at the last supper.
Mercurochrome is actually monkey blood.
A man-like beast called the Sasquatch exists. I work with him.
Nobody, but nobody, cooks like’a yo’ momma.
Always bet on the gray horse.
Hey,leave me out of this:)
45% of the male population of Winter Garden, Florida have a mullet.
Clippings from pet shops are often sanitized, shipped to Mexico, and recycled for use in pillows.
Danville, Virginia, technically never rejoined the Union – it’s still a part of the Confederacy!
Laws in Canada not only regulate the number of songs with Canadaian content that must be played on the radio, but also break it down by province.
In Cheektowaga, New York, it is a misdemeanor to wear a Miami Dolphins jacket in a public location.
Basenjis may not bark, but they’re the loudest and most prolific burpers of all domestic dogs.
In Afghanistan, all women are required to maintain the equivalent of a beard in her armpits – of at least 10 centimeters in length.
1% of all Vermont viters are registered with the Bull Moose and Whig parties.
New York City still has five official town criers. They can’t get rid of them, though, because they’re Teamsters.
It is illegal to sell Amway products in Quebec.
[ul]
[li]You actually CAN go home again. But you’ll have to sleep on the couch because Mom and Dad have turned your old bedroom into their own personal “slap & tickle” chamber.[/li]
[li]All your base do belong to Miriam Fishnell of Shoup, Idaho.[/li]
[li]There is somebody behind you. Don’t bother looking, she’s very good at hiding.[/li]
[li]In Hamlet, North Carolina, children should be seen and not herded through the streets like cattle. That Pied Piper guy has got some ‘splainin’ to do.[/li]
[li]If you stare at the bottom of your shoe long enough, you’ll forget to eat and die of malnutrition. I tried it, it really works.[/li]
[li]4 out of 5 dentists surveyed think that chewing sugarless gum is better for your liver. Hannibal Lecter thinks that chewing your liv…ahh, nevermind…[/li]
[li]2 out of 3 bears prefer chocolate ice cream.[/li]
[li]Whilst playing a game of “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”, a radio DJ in Scrap Tavern Crossroads, Delaware, discovered that he was indeed Kevin Bacon![/li]
[li]If you soak a human tooth in Coca-Cola for at least four hours, don’t forget to tell the guy whose Coke it was, 'cause choking to death on a tooth that’s not your own is just silly.[/li]
All that will ever need to be known is already known…(except of course for the pearls of wisdom to be strewn forth by the next poster to this thread.)[/ul]
[ul]
[li]StinkyPaws is a caterpillar.[/li][/ul]
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If your child is born in Chosan, South Korea, it is illegal under local regulations to name it Evander Holyfield.
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There are no catfish to be found in any of the inland or territorial waters of Latvia.
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The gemstone opal cannot be mined. Due to its unique chemical composition it must be created in the laboratory from granite, sulphuric acid, and some tartar sauce.
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The Spanish language contains no word for “banana split”.
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Excessive periareolar (i.e. nipple) hair is one of the top five indicators for gastroenteritis risk.
£) Although most candle wax is artificial these days, previously it was made from the rendered fat of chickadees.
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Stumco Inc. of Minot, ND, markets the Dancing Stapler.
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It is impossible for any person, no matter how old, to eat their age in pounds of jellybeans within an hour.
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Scientists have recently discovered a number between 5 and 6. It is to be called “lurge”.
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It is possible to die through excessive hair combing.
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Under certain circumstances, it is permissible to purchase Canadian one-cent stamps by the yard.
[ul]
[li]30% of all “American” cheese is produced in Bolivian sweatshops by children working 15 hour days.[/li]
[li]Canada is the only commonwealth country to break free of the colonial yoke that is the game of cricket.[/li]
[li]1 in 4 lefthanders are only doing it for attention.[/li]
[li]Queen Elizabeth II has successfully defended her title on three separate occasions in the Octagon.[/li]
[li]Male elephant seals look as bizarre to one another as they do to us.[/li]
[li]The TV show Cop Rock was simply too far ahead of its time.[/li]
[li]In Iceland, whites own 95% of the wealth, yet are still the poorest ethnic group.[/li]
[li]Football games are lost, not won. I repeat: Lost. Not won.[/li]
[li]Turtles can live up to 70 years in captivity. Their lifespan in the wild rarely exceeds 6 weeks.[/li]
[li]Each blade of grass secretly thinks that he is the crown prince of summer time.[/li][/ul]
No comment
*The glue on postage stamps in Isreal, is certified kosher.
*There is a horsefly in my apartment right now, that I swear to god, is made of lead. Not even the Doc Marten can smash him.
*In Alabama, it is illegal to own a lifelike dildo.
*The man who did the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
*A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
*More People are killed each year by donkeys, than plane crashes. (So Much For Land Travel)
*A Human Testical - Looks almost identical to one of those White & Pastel Speckled Malted Milk Easter Eggs, after you’ve licked it (The EGG) once and smeared the color.
(Yeah I made that up myself, - but its trew!)
*The Pizza Man That Just Left My House Is A Transvestite - But his wife and kids have no idea.
*You can freeze a cockroach in a block of ice, thaw it out and the roach will get up and scurry away.
[list]
[li]No-one knows the way to San Jose.[/li][li]The gender of a baby crocodile is not, as is commonly believed, determined by the incubation temperature, but by a panel of judges in Warsaw, Poland.[/li][li]The term ‘Hi Opal!’ is criminally underused as the third item on a list.[/li][li]All animals are capable of making and wearing clothes but they are all nudists.[/li][li]The America landings were faked by the Spanish government in the late 15th century as part of a massive conspiracy which continues to this day.[/li]Dolphins could have evolved opposable thumbs years ago but they’re too lazy.